Only in America -

by BS

Endless Menus: A Candy Fiend’s Thanksgiving

We’ve already told you how to put more meat in your turkey-day, but it’s also come to our attention over the years that many of you see Thanksgiving not as a holiday that needs baconing-up, but more as an extension of Halloween. From candied yams to maple-glazed turkeys, to sugar-coated green beans and of course, more desserts than would even be conceivable on any other day of the year, Thanksgiving is a great time to load up on the sweet treats. But how? That’s where we come to your rescue again, dear readers, with our Endless Menu for A Candy Fiend’s Thanksgiving:

Breakfast: Candy Turkey

I know a lot of people like to skip breakfast Thanksgiving morning in order to save room for the big meal. This is going about it all wrong. You’ve got to expand your tummy to get ready for the feast. Think of it as warming up for a big race. You’ve got to do some light eating first. So start the day off with a festive fruit snack, which instructables helpfully teaches us how to turn into a candy turkey.

The Bird: Coca-Cola Glazed Turkey

Everyone’s always looking for a glaze recipe that sets their turkey apart from the neighbor’s, and what glaze could be more American than Coca-Cola? Farmers haven’t figured out how to grow turkeys that taste like Coke just yet (I think the Texas State Fair is working on that one for next year), but thankfully, you can just douse your bird with the brown stuff before sticking it in the oven and it comes out all glistening and sweet. (Photo: bucklava)

The Side: Marshmallow Sweet Potatoes

Yeah, you people snickered at the Coca-Cola turkey, but then you remembered you already do this, huh? Picking up in the grand vegetable-hiding tradition where green bean casserole left off, sweet potatoes smothered in marshmallows is perhaps the most bizarre of all T-day traditions. Somehow, just because the spuds are a little sweet themselves, that suddenly makes it OK to top them sky-high with hoof-candy. Kinda odd logic, but you won’t hear us complaining. (Photo: kathryn_rotondo)

Follow the jump, sweet teeth…

by BS

Endless Menus: A Meat Lover’s Thanksgiving

T-minus 10 days, people! Turkey day is almost upon us, and if we know our readers at all, you’re still nursing Halloween hangovers/post-Election giddiness and haven’t even begun to plan for the big feast.

So lucky for you, ES has come up with four delicious menus to guide you along. Now let’s be honest, there are enough effing sites on the Internet telling you how to brine a turkey and mash potatoes. And you probably know how to do all that shit anyway. But what about people who don’t want to do the same damn thing every year, who get sick of the same old sides, and don’t think adding rosemary to the stuffing counts as “mixing it up.” This one’s for you folks. Introducing Endless Menus.

One thing that’s always bothered me about Thanksgiving is that it doesn’t have nearly enough meat in it. For a celebration that claims to be the most American of holidays, it sure doesn’t include much of our favorite food group, does it? I mean, a giant bird and some vegetables? What country are you people living in? That’s not the America I know and love. For a truly pilgrim-loving Thanksgiving, toss the yams this year and cook up A Meat Lover’s Thanksgiving:

The Bird: Turkey Galantine

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think you’re pretty badass for your annual turducken fry, dontcha? Big deal. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how to stuff a duck in a chicken in a turkey. Why don’t you try stuffing ham, pork, veal, tongue, truffles, nuts, and three eggs up that hole? Then you can talk. None other than James A. Beard himself brings us this retro recipe, which calls for stuffing so many effing things in that bird that you actually have to take out all the bones, and much of the turkey meat. He even pulls the turkey breasts out, marinates them in cognac, and then stuffs those fuckers back in. Now that’s a badass bird. (Photo: MizD)

The Inside: Spam Stuffing

Sausage stuffing? No, no, no, people Don’t you read the paper? Spam is in this year! And there’s no better way to spice up your stuffing than with the South Pacific treat. Gingerjoy says: “Your guests will be surprised that the tasty flavor actually comes from this ‘mystery meat.’ Yeeeeeeeaaah. We can’t say for sure if that is good surprised or bad surprised, but we think we have an idea. Apologies to ninjapoodles for using your stock stuffing photo, but there is no known documentation of actual Spam Stuffing.

The Spuds: Bacon Mashed Potatoes

We’ve said it once, we’ll say it again, and we won’t stop saying it until we keel over face down in a pool of our own grease: There is nothing bacon can’t improve. And while mashed potatoes were pretty goshdarn good to begin with, the golden rule holds true here. It turns out quite a few folks have thought of this, but we’re particularly partial to Bon Appetit’s Bacon and Buttermilk Mashed Potatoes, because hey, you’re putting bacon in it, why not go for buttermilk too? A little lard couldn’t hurt anyone either. (Photo: Incase Design)

More meat-y menu ideas after the J.

in Bacon / Cheese / Fowl / Holiday / Pig / Veggie 8 comments

by BS

White House Guessing Game: Who Will Cook for Barack?

With the epic campaign season finally concluded, Washington has moved on to that quadrennial guessing game that has the corridors of power all abuzz: Who will the president-elect bring with him to the White House?

We here at ES could care less about some hard-hitting chief of staff or misogynistic treasury secretary candidate. The real burning question is: Who will Obama appoint as White House Chef? All we know for sure is that some serious change is in need after Bush’s eight years serving BBQ and hohos at official state dinners. Here are the leading candidates, along with our exclusive odds, and a few additional people we think P-E Obama should put on his short list.

WaPo’s Tom Sietsema says the frontrunner is definitely Art Smith. The chef at Capitol Hill’s new Art and Soul restaurant, Smith has both the inside DC knowledge the new prez needs, and the down-home Chicago background he loves (he was Oprah‘s personal chef for 10 years). Smith’s upscale-downhome specialties (caviar and horseradish hoe-cakes, red eye gravy pork chops) would deliver a hearty slice of Americana to visiting heads of state. Odds – 3:1

Or maybe Obama wants to skip the in-between and go fancy-fancy. Barack and Michelle’s first meal out after winning the presidency was at Chicago’s Spiaggia, the same place the first couple celebrated their anniversary and Michelle’s b-day this year. That’s quite the endorsement! A native of Kenosha, Wisconsin (swing state!), chef Tony Mantuano offers high-end Italian cuisine featuring dishes that even foodies can’t decipher, like STRANGOZZE VERDE CON LUMACHE, AGLIO E PANE GRATTATO. Yum! (I think). Mantuano would bring a touch of class back to the Oval Dining Room. But then again, Barack might not be too enthused about Italian lately. Odds – 7:1

BHO could show an important display of bipartisanship by asking current White House chef Criseta Comerford to stay on in his administration. Hand-picked by Laura Bush in 2005, the Philippines-born Comeford is the first female to lead the White House kitchen, thus allowing Barack to hang on to the Hillary vote. Plus, then he could get rid of Gates. Odds – 8:3

So those are the most likely bets. But honestly, none of these choices would bring the radical change and hope Obama promised us. Let’s forget the Washington insiders and shake things up a little bit, Barack! Here are our alternative recommendations:

in Celebs / Politics / TV 15 comments

by gansie

Red Delicious, White, and Blue

Editors Note: Okay, so everyone’s getting a bit Americana sappy this week here at ES. Evo Diva spins a tale of patriotism, apple sauce and canning to finish our week of gloating. But that’s not to say it won’t roll over into next week.

I felt something this week that I’ve never felt before in my life: a profound sense of patriotism. So I donned my red, white, and blue on Wednesday and wandered around my town like a tourist seeing everything for the first time. In a sense I was seeing something new, and enjoyed absorbing America’s renewed spirit. It’s compelled me to want to do things that are “American”: drive cross-country, volunteer, read up on U.S. history. But what’s more American than cooking apples and blogging about them?

I had joined the ES crowd for some apple picking a few weeks ago. I made apple sauce with all those apples and then I CANNED it – that’s right, Ball jars and all. The prospect of canning these apples was an overwhelming task in my mind – which is why I procrastinated for three and a half weeks! (The apples were still crisp in the fridge after all that time) But the canning process turned out to be super simple.

First of all, I had no idea where one might procure these jars of lore – especially when not in close proximity to farmland USA. I got mine at a local hardware store. It’s SO much cheaper if you buy a whole case (12 jars in a case ~$12-$15). But I only needed a few and wanted a variety of sizes. So I spent 20 bucks on 5 jars.

I had picked a bunch of different apples not really knowing what I would do with them. I can’t remember what kinds I got but I know I picked a bunch of the “York” variety, which are described as: “Tart, great for baking, unique lopsided shape, keeps the longest.” (What luck that I picked the procrastinator variety!) I peeled and sliced the apples and put them in a pot with about ½ cup of water and then cooked them on low, covered, for about 45 minutes. Then I mashed them, added some sugar and cinnamon to taste and voila! I mean, eureka! Um, yee haw?

in Recipe 1 comments

by BS

Hott Link: The Condiment Gun

Since we’re talking ketchup v. mustard this week, I just wanna make sure everyone knows there is now a new, completely unnecessary but totally amazing way to dress your hot dogs: the condiment gun.

Being an American just gets easier every day.

in Uncategorized 2 comments

by gansie

A Vote for Condiments

If the 2008 elections proved anything, it’s that Americans cannot agree on a lot. Was Sarah Palin a maverick VP pick? Are we all Joe the Plumber? Is Ashley Todd, um, well, we can all probably agree on her crazytown antics.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about another important issue today. It’s something that the food community has been fighting about for decades: a mustard verse ketchup topped hot dog.

Okay, so, ketchup. Well, to be honest, I just really don’t like ketchup all that much. But, even when I was a ketchup fan, I always, always used mustard (yellow, dirty, dijon) on a hot dog. I think it’s part aesthetic: the contrast of the golden mustard over the reddish-hued dog, makes the conglomerate-filled tube seem bright and fresh. Plus, mustard has the tang that plays nicely with the “meaty” taste. Ketchup is just more of the same, same color, same flavor.

So, while ESers may vote for whomever they want to lead the nation today, I do hope you’ll vote with me in banning ketchup usage on hot dogs.

VOTE!

[poll id=”27″]

in Contests / Politics / Rants & Raves 25 comments

by BS

Endless Simmer Voter Guide

As some of you may have heard, there’s an election coming up this Tuesday. And while most of you are probably still agonizing about whether to support Obama or Amondson, there are actually quite a few issues beyond the presidential race.

Because ES cares about the little stuff, we’ve scoured the state ballots to let you know about the food and drink issues that may be on your state ballots next week. And because we’re self-righteous a-holes, we’re also telling you how to vote.

– California Prop 2: Would set standards for how farm animals can be confined, ensuring that all animals are given room to lie down, stand up, and extend their limbs. Opponents claim free-range poultry could be more susceptible to catching disease from wild birds, while supporters have this awesome Stevie Wonder-inspired dancing pig video:

Who could say no to that kind of pig strutting? Vote Yes on Prop 2. More ballot endorsements after the jump…

in Drinks / Politics 4 comments