The ES Endorsement: Only One Man Is Fit For the Job

Endless Simmer has spent the past several months delving deep into the political world, in order to tell you which presidential candidate will ultimately be the most responsive to issues us food lovin’ folk care about. We have un-endorsed the candidates one-by-one, and you may have noticed that every single one of the candidates we un-endorsed quickly fell from contention. Remember Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Hillary Clinton? Neither do we!

Now that the primaries are nearing a conclusion, we’re ready to unveil our actual endorsement. After much agonizing, we have come to the conclusion that there is only one candidate with the ideas, convictions, and yes, cojones, that the job demands.

That man is Gene Amondson.

Gene Amondson is an artist, ordained minister, whimsical woodworker and the nominee of the Prohibition Party, which yes, still exists. Gene enjoys barbecues, fish and chips, tarts, and is even the author of an illustrated pie cookbook, which is available for sale as an e-book and comes with the amazing tagline:

“The best pies are runny pies, like kisses, the good ones are never dry.”

Hath truer words e’er been spoke?

Here, here, Mr. Amondson. Presidential hopefuls shouldn’t get away with writing quickie books about their political philosophy – they should have to tell us what they can cook! And we should note the pie recipes were handed down to Gene from his mother, and he gives her full credit (ahem, Cindy McCain).

But Gene Amondson isn’t just in the presidential race for the fame and the baked goods – he’s in it for the women. Gene is on the market for a first lady, and he’s got his list of qualifications all ready. Hey, if Dennis Kucinich can use the democratic process to find himself a hot lady, why can’t Gene Amondson?

While you might think our sometimes drunken ways would make ES anti-prohibition, Amondson makes some very convincing points, particularly when he is protesting outside Anheuser-Busch headquarters while dressed as the Grim Reaper. For example, who knew that from 1920 to 1933, when prohibition was in effect:

– Prisons and mental institutions emptied

– Cirrhosis of the liver was reduced by half

– It was the last time America balanced the budget

– In some states, illiteracy dropped from 49% to 2%

Pretty startling stuff, eh? I’d like to add a couple more reasons why it’s time to bring back prohibition:

– The liquor industry needs a shot in the arm. It’s a proven fact that the more illicit a product is, the more creative its pushers become in inventing ways to get it in your body. I mean, look at marijuana. They’ve got pot brownies, weed butter, even marijuana meatballs. Magic mushrooms come in countless varieties of delicious baked goods. Hell, even tobacco has candy cigarettes and hookahs. And what does alcohol do to entice us? Oh, how about I pour some of the most vile tasting stuff on god’s green earth into a shot glass and you shove it down your throat as quickly as possible. If you can’t stomach it, suck on a lime or something.

If the alcohol industry expects me to continue partaking of their poisonous products, they had better come up with some more creative ways for me to do so. And what better way to nudge them along than prohibition? Did you know that the most popular cocktails were all invented during prohibition? It makes sense: Who else would have thought to mix vodka, tequila, rum, triple sec and gin into one drink but a Long Island moonshiner trying to keep all of his ingredients in one container in case he got raided?

– Secondly, who isn’t ready for a speakeasy comeback? And I don’t mean speakeasy as in these trendy “underground” bars with no signs that are popping up around Manhattan, calling themselves speakeasies even though they have publicists and websites. I mean real, old school speakeasies, where you have to check your Gatling gun at the door, grandpa joe is in the back making gin in a bathtub, and when the G-men knock on the door everyone hides in secret trap doors. Now that would be badass.

– And even if you’re too scared to go to speakeasies, prohibition would be great because when people drink in their own homes, foodies win. Think about it. When you get wasted while you’re out, what do you end up eating? Crappy pizza, McDonald’s, chessey puffs, some food you found on the street – anything, right? But when you get wasted at home – that’s when you get creative. If it wasn’t for drinking at home, there would surely be no such thing as the Luther Burger. Here’s just a small sampling of foods that were invented during the prohibition era:

– Caesar salad

– Philly cheesesteaks

– Reese’s peanut butter cups

– Kool-aid

– Fortune cookies

– Chocolate covered ice cream on a stick

-Sliced bread. Not. Fucking. Kidding. Otto Frederick Rohwedder of Davenport, Iowa began selling sliced bread for the first time in 1928.

Gene Amondson for President. I’ll drink to that.

Photos: Washington Law & Politics Magazine, Gene Amondson