The ES Summit: Top 10 Beers and Booze for Politics

The tides are shifting in American politics. A new party is in control and our President is willing to work with them to make a better America. Blah blah blah. Yet another cycle has completed and we now have another lame duck president. BUT WAIT. Obama and US Senator Mitch McConnell are going to solve all of our problems with a Bourbon Summit. Now that’s something we can get behind. A little Kentucky booze may be just what our leaders need to get things done. This got us thinking…what would an ES summit look like? Other than the usual gallivanting around, bitching and moaning about irrelevant things, and gorging ourselves with food, we would pick the best beer and booze to offer for the occasion. If it were up to us, here’s what the Obama-McConnell summit would consist of:

10) Flying Dog Raging Bitch

What better to drink while BITCHING and moaning about the great problems of the world (or what to have for dinner)? Raging Bitch is an in your face IPA with a nice sweetness that makes it very drinkable at a high ABV.

Arrogant Bastard Ale

9) Arrogant Bastard Ale

Need I say more? Not only does the name sum up just about every one of your very proud “ES’ers, but it also sums up the jerks in Congress. What’s more? The brew is one of the highest ranked in the United States with complex flavors that will also kick your ass.

Knob Creek® Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

8) Knob Creek

A little bourbon never hurt nobody. Knob Creek is about that level where you stop drinking whiskey with coke and actually start enjoying the sweet and oak-aged flavors of bourbon.

7) Titos Vodka

What’s more American than an all-American made vodka? We have to be at least a little patriotic, right? Plus, this is some of the smoothest Vodka we’ve ever had! Try it with water and lemon…just be careful – you won’t taste the whiskey.

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Burns My Bacon: Anti-Booze States

Do you know what a State Store is? If you do, then you understand my endless rage. If you don’t, then you’ll most likely be enjoying the recent endless wines super-cheap case of wine gift with no frustrations. The rest of us are scrambling to find somebody in a neighboring state willing to open their doors to a case of wine while also willing to refrain from drinking it. (I’ll explain)

I know for most of you, you have no idea what I’m talking about. Some of you can stop at a gas station on your way home from work and pick up a pounder of Keystone for your enjoyment the minute you get home. Or you could stop at your local grocery store and get wine, beer, or yes, even liquor. You have no idea how much the rest of us envy you.

I live in the great state of Pennsylvania. We are home to two great cities, great sports, the Philadelphia Cheesesteak, the Liberty Bell, the homes of Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin, and a site of which the constitution was drafted. We bring to America great pride in its history. But then there is this giant ink blotch on our state that we just can’t get rid of: The State Store.

Here in Pennsylvania, we are restricted to where and when we can get our booze. If you want beer, you need to go to a distributor. You want wine or the hard stuff?! Who the hell do you think you are? You need to go to what we call “state stores” run by the LIQUOR CONTROL BOARD (not controlling nanny-state-like at all). But wait—you can only go during certain hours, and we do not allow anyone to get any form of alcohol on Sundays (depending on where you live IN PA). God forbid. Phew. So those are the rules here.

Well…there is another catch. Apparently if these state stores (which have a giant selection and are run by experts in wine and booze…er…sarcasm) don’t have what you want,  you can’t even order if from  another state without going through the state store. And paying a tax nearing 20% on your purchase. You better pay for your booze you drunkard!

So that awesome deal that you’re trying to get…that’s hilarious! They can’t ship to Pennsylvania—that would be blasphemy.  I mean, unless you ship it to the state store and pay us back in taxes for allowing you to send a package to our door and hold it for you. That takes a lot of resources you know…

The deal is awesome. I’m pretty excited, and contemplating having the girlfriend let me ship to her house in New Jersey (just don’t tell anyone!). The rest of you…well, you know what I think about you. Pick up a 40 for me next time you’re out…anywhere. Celebrate the occasion that you’re free to buy whatever beverage you want, wherever you want. I’ll be lost in the maze of Pennsylvania legislation trying to figure out HOW THE HELL I CAN GET ME SOME NAKED WINE!

(Photo: Our Awesome Wine Sponsor)

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Hott Links: Food Fluffers and The Futures of Farming

Buzzkill alert! Before you stuff your face with green beans and taters this Turkey Day, take a minute to explore how Wall Street’s takeover of American farming is contributing to hunger around the globe.

More weekend reading from Narratively’s Flipside of Food:

Food Fluffers: How food stylists make perfect food porn photos

You’ve Been Served: New York’s high-end waiters tell you what they really think

Grown in Staten: The trucker from the heartland who brought organic farming to Staten Island

(Photo: Narratively/Dean Carlson)

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Election Day Special: Who Eats It Better?!

Well, it’s here, the day we’ve been waiting for all year: National Nachos Day. No, I’m just kidding—I’m talking about Election Day, of course! (But seriously, it actually is National Nachos Day as well, so maybe hit up your local Mexican restaurant after visiting the polls today.)

I know a lot of people like to make their decision by examining where the candidates stand on important issues such as the economy, civil rights, coolness factor, and international relations, but for our endorsement, Endless Simmer cuts through the crap to the only thing that matters: who eats it better?!

Round One: Ice Cream

(photo: WYNT)


(photo: Buzzfeed)

Romney goes for a tall cone o’ soft serve, which is one of my favorite treats. (Seriously, every time we drive by a Dairy Queen on a road trip, I scream “DQ!!!” like a rabid six year old.) Obama, on the other hand, goes for a controversial choice: mint chocolate chip eaten with a spoon. I’m not kidding about the controversy; bloggers had a heyday  about Obama’s outrageous rebellion. (“If he wanted to eat with a spoon, he should have ordered ice cream in a cup!”) Well, guess what, haters: I also eat ice cream out of cones with a spoon. Sometimes my teeth are sensitive! I’m glad to see our sweet-toothed POTUS understands my struggles.

Ice Cream Winner: Obama

Round Two: Chicken

(photo: Gigabiting)


(photo: Hard Grubbin)

Well, it’s reassuring to know that both of our options aren’t afraid to grub down on some bird. Romney seems a bit… uh… glazed over during the whole thing, while Obama aggressively tears into his wing. What does this mean? It probably means nothing. Both of these political bros are just chowing down on some chicken, and while Romney looks perilously close to the mortal sin of sticking his fork into that drumstick, he doesn’t actually do it.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner: Neither. Tie.

Round Three: Hot Dogs

(photo: DailyAdvance)

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A Winning Party: The ES Election Night Guide

OK… making sure that my emergency pack is all ready. Let’s see…there’s a flashlight, batteries, aspirin (gonna need those), vodka, bourbon, party poppers and a large crying towel. Oh, and 2-song CD—got the Bee Gees “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart” and Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” Alright! I’m set. Bring on Election Night!

In the wake of recent disasters I’ve been more proactive in regards to preparing for my survival against future mood-altering situations of a political nature. Too many times in the past I’ve been caught totally off guard, and I either didn’t have enough liquor or I forgot to pin my Bails Bond card inside my jacket. But this time I’ve got a new plan! I’m hosting the Election Night shindig at my place and I’m all prepared. Got the checklist right here—Portable storage pod? Check! Rental furniture? Check! My furniture and personal items outside in the pod? Check! Neighbors warned and bribed? Check! Everyone taking a cab to my house? Check! Food, booze and entertainment ordered? Check, check and double check!

Voting for the next leader of our country can be a painful thing to do when it’s this evenly divided. Half of us ain’t gonna like the outcome, which can kill the mood of a party real quick. That’s why THIS time I’ve got it all figured out:

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What to Eat When Your Guy Loses

When it comes to widely advertised pugilistic battles, we’ve had the Thrill’a in Manila, the War at the Shore, and now the Mess in the U.S. There’s nothing like a good Presidential election to bring the country together, is there? So we might want to start thinking about which wine to pair with that huge plate of crow that slightly less than half of us will be eating the night we all cast our votes. I know, I know, the candidate that you’re backing is the right guy for the job, and it’s time to get the country back on its feet, and yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blahhhhhh.


Almost half of you will get it wrong so you’d better make those menus now before you’re served a big slice of ‘I Told You So’ cake. But what should it be? Nothing really tastes good when they tally up just how many idiots are allowed to vote in this country. And since we’ve all had to endure about two years worth of campaigning, we certainly don’t need anymore cheese. You might require something sweet to take that bitter taste out of your mouth. And of course, you’ll need a lot of liquor. (Buy it now before they tax the hell out of it.) Planning a ‘Loser Luncheon’ is hard because you can’t describe how you feel. It’s like a cross between ending a bad relationship, and attending a funeral. You’re kinda relieved, but then you’re kinda sad; you don’t want to hear anything from them for a while, but then you didn’t want to see them go away like that.

What makes it worse is that just across town they’re whooping it up and drinking champagne by the case, those smug bastards. Bartender! Another round of Jager shots for me and my second-place compadres! (Now I have TWO things to blame the bad taste in my mouth on.) Hot wings, pizza, tacos…nothing tastes good right now so just eat something that’s not gonna hurt when it comes back up. Tip your server, get a cab and call it a night. It’s gonna be a long four years so you might as well go home and start getting used to it, Mr. Runner Up.

For those of you who voted for the new guy and didn’t win; you probably need a good shot of caffeine now that all those tea bags didn’t work. Why don’t you have a big bowl of American made cereal with plenty of ONE PERCENT milk, you elitist idiots! Better stock up on caviar and lobster while you still can ‘cause I think your tax rate is about to go through the ceiling. Not sure where the country is headed? Don’t worry your pointy little head. Just follow the rest of us and turn LEFT!

For those of you who voted for the incumbent and didn’t win; some ice cream to go on top of that Humble Pie? No leftovers for you. You’d better eat something that you can finish in ONE TERM, you Big Government dopes! Oh, and I’d give up smoking if I were you ‘cause that health care plan that you were on is in for a little change. I think that your government subsidized meal ticket is about to be cut in half. You’ll just have to learn to be more CONSERVATIVE!

Either way it goes, a lot of us are going to lose our appetites. And since everything tastes like crap, it might be the perfect time to start that diet you’ve been talking about since college. But then again, why bother? We’re all going to hell in a hand basket – whatever that means. Just suck it up, shrug it off and come back with your head held high. And remember this; your candidate may not have won the election…….but at least you didn’t vote for that other guy.

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What’s Your Beer Telling You?

So clearly, that boring debate last night didn’t help anyone decide who to vote for. If you’re still not sure which way you’re leaning, grab a beer out of the fridge—what are you holding? Okay, now cross-reference your beer with the bubble chart above. Got it? Okay, now you can vote.

If only it were that simple. Well…apparently it kind of is. The National Journal analyzed data from a Scarborourgh report and found that those who drink Heinekens are most likely to vote Democrat and those drinking Sam Adams are most likely to vote Republican. Then, there are those in the middle—drinking, of all things, the beer of The Most Interesting Man in the World. Too bad being in the middle isn’t considered too interesting right now (which is why you middle folk should take a stand!!!)

So let’s delve a bit deeper:

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