Endless Simmer - A Food Blog

Eating out Mexican is one of the few true values in New York’s getting-even-more-ridiculous dining scene. Every borough has cheap, genuine, hole-in-the-wall spots like Tulcingo Del Valle in the neighborhood I grew up in.

That’s why I’m supremely disturbed by the emergence of quasi-upscale Mexican restaurants. I’m not saying Mexican people aren’t allowed to be fancy, but um…I still want the cheap, giant portions, of flavorful food. I mean, that’s half the point, right? No one has ever decided on Mexican dinner because they’re not especially hungry. And this fancified Mexcian food scene has brought a truly unwelcome development: chips and salsa that must be paid for. In money. #$!%@!

This will not stand.

Everyone in my new hood, Fort Greene, talks about two Mexican joints: Pequena and Bonita. I’ve eaten at both of these now and they serve decent, if not exciting food that falls short in three crucial aspects:

- Small portions

- Lack of spice

- Served by white people

Basically, everything a Mexican restaurant should not be. Seriously, is this Brooklyn or Kansas? What’s going on here?

But here’s the kicker: both places CHARGE for chips and salsa. This is just untenable. Free chips and salsa is like a golden rule of eating out. It’s half the reason I usually choose Mexican. It is just expected, OK? If I walk into a Mexican restaurant, and don’t get that basket and bowl placed in front of me without laying down an extra $4.50, well, I think you get the point - I won’t be happy. Frank Bruni says an empty wine glass is his version of restaurant hell, well no free chips and salsa is mine.

So I recently ate at a well-reviewed Mexican place in SoHo called Cafe el Portal. This place was pretty cool - teeny underground restaurant, genuine menu, Mexican-owned and operated. Although a little overpriced, it had some crazy dishes I could get behind, like a chile relleno covered in pomegranate seeds. While this inventive menu distracted me for two to three minutes after sitting down, I soon noticed something off. There was just a certain lack of greasiness on my hands and spiciness in my mouth.

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Editors Note: ES first heard of Evo Diva through my journey to another world, but I’ve known she’s been a food enthusiast for much longer. Enjoy her peer-reviewed rant.

As a non-evangelical tree hugger, I feel a quiet sense of responsibility to convert to vegetarianism. After all, over half of the water and over 70% of the agricultural production in the U.S. is put toward raising livestock. As with most things, America’s consumption has gotten out of control. Besides, cows are just so damn cute – what did they ever do to deserve the slaughterhouse?

However, as an evolutionary biologist, I know that our species is not at its supreme fitness when sustained on a diet lacking in animals. If veggies don’t do their homework, they might not be getting essential B12 and D vitamins that are easily obtained from meat. Vitamin D is important for calcium absorption and strong bones. B12 is important in proper brain function. Other studies have shown that infants nursing from vegan mothers will not develop properly. Our ancestors might have subsisted on fruits and nuts, but our species evolved on the motto: “Variety is the spice of life.” While our teeth structure still is best suited for fruits, our most striking difference from other animals is our brain size. Along with B12, protein is essential for neurological development. A likely scenario is that our ancestors were obtaining new sources of protein in animal food options and were able to grow larger brains.

So what’s a hippie like me supposed to do? While true vegetarians agree that going halfway doesn’t count, I would argue that it is my only option. Choosing cage-free eggs, free range meat, and eating vegetarian 4-5 days of the week is my way of reconciling this inner conflict and pissing off people on both sides of the fence.

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Editors Note: I never, ever cooked anything during college, well, except egg sandwiches. Meaning, I never discussed anything besides cafeteria food, beer and what funky concoction the Tennis House would push on us during my four years at university. Anyway, it wasn’t until recently when I was chatting with my newly-engaged college friend that I realized our love of food and cooking (and Jacques Pepin.) Here is BK and his rant on an ES fav - Alton Brown.

Hey Alton! Mr. Wizard called and he wants his show back. And while we’re at it, Bill Nye called you a plagiarist.

I am not a fan of Alton Brown. He bothers me on many levels. My complaints range from his philosophy on cooking, to his incredibly corny sense of humor, and on many points in between.

One of the aspects of his show which bothers me the most is the specious nature of the food trivia bits displayed before every commercial. When he is not completely wrong, he is reinforcing quaint myths that are usually based on some stereotype. Now, I am not accusing Alton Brown of being prejudice or anything of that nature. I am only suggesting that a man who seems to enjoy an anal retentive image should pay closer attention to detail when displaying purported facts.

A few nights ago I begrudgingly watched Good Eats when I was treated to a comical instance of what I have described above. I decided to watch for a little while because the show was dedicated to mushrooms. Mushrooms are one of my favorite foods. They are versatile, fun to cook with and even more fun to go hunting for in the wild. They also can make an average jam band concert seem epic!

Alton stated that Russians have the word “raszh” to describe when someone is crazy for mushrooms. Then, with the sense of humor of a sixth grader, he made a pun about Lenin having a bad raszh.

There is no doubt that Russians are mushroom crazy. If you have ever read any Nabakov, Tolstoy, Aksakov or Soloukhin, you will know that mushrooms hold a place in Russian folklore akin to potatoes in Ireland. Children learn through poems and songs at the youngest of ages how to determine which fungi are good for you and which are not. But every Russian also knows that even the most experienced of mushroom hunters can make a mistake now and then. Hence the term raszh. A slightly different mushroom crazy than Alton had in mind.

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Sometimes at Endless Simmer, we discuss only the most important, pressing issues facing the food world. This is one of those times.

I’m here today to discuss a problem that has been gnawing at my soul for some time. When I have raised this dilemma at numerous venerable eating establishments, I have found substantial support for my position.

Mozzarella Sticks: undeniably one of America’s great culinary inventions. Bread crumbs, cheese, hot oil, bam! - the perfect bar snack. But what’s up with the portion size? Why do they always come in such a small number, usually six to a plate? For a similar price, any bar menu in America will serve you a heaping platter of calamari, a generous serving of onion rings, plump and juicy chicken fingers, or a giganto plate of nachos. But never am I ever served a giant plate of mozzarella sticks.

This presents the eater with a dastardly dilemma. To ensure enough mozz. sticks to satisfy a grease-craving, alcohol-soaked group of munchers, you’d have to get three orders at least - and who is willing to spend 25 bucks on mozz. sticks? Of course, you can always go the, “these are just for me, guys” route, but then not only do you look like a douche, you inevitably get the “oh, can I just have a half?” requests, and even in a small group of friends, you end of with something like 3 and 1/2 sticks to eat yourself. Not quite meal-worthy. So I quite often put my fried cheese craving to the side and forget it altogether.

So what the hell is going on here? The big portions thing is something you usually excel at, America. I want 10 to 12 mozz. sticks per plate. And don’t tell me they are more expensive to make than the other appetizers, because it’s not like they’re stuffing them with Mozzarella di Bufala Camapana or something - that shit is Polly-O at best.

So can someone please explain to me, what’s the deal with mozzarella sticks? Is there some secret reason why the servings have to be so small? Is there any action we can take to change this accepted social norm? A petition, protest, or sit-in perhaps? The time is now, dear readers. I humbly await your advice.

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