Only in America -

by BS

To be Considered, You Must Submit One Full-body Shot (Bikini or Nude) and a Recent Pay Stub Showing Proof of Employment at the Olive Garden

No, that’s not the skeeziest craigslist roommate ad of all time, it’s merely the submission guidelines for Playboy’s newest themed pictorial “Girls of the Olive Garden.”

And this isn’t a joke, apparently the men’s mag has run out of college conferences to profile and has turned to everyone’s favorite purveyor of free breadsticks to find America’s next top nude model.

The inspiration for the contest is a woman named Kendra Wilkinson, whose illustrious life accomplishments include her roles as one of Hugh Hefner’s pretend girlfriends; and as runner-up to Shar Jackson on MTV’s Celebrity Rap Superstar. Shar Jackson, for the record, is Britney Spears’ ex-husband’s baby mama (and she’s a rap superstar, but you knew that).

And, Kendra’s a blogger! You see, Kendra’s mom is a former Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader and a proud resident of Cherry Hill, New Jersey, which qualifies Kendra to blog about the Eagles.

With the Hef pushing 83, Kendra is apparently pulling the shots over at Playboy, and because she loves the Olive Garden more than life itself, she’s decided to feature their waitresses in a pictorial that is totally not endorsed by the restaurant chain (although NY Post reports they won’t fire their employees if they pose).

After the jump, Kendra explains what it takes to make it as a girl of the O.G.

Attention Crazy People: Obama Is the New Jesus

I’m not sure exactly what makes this happen, but there is something about history’s great inspirational, controversial figures that causes them show up in some yokel’s milkshake, tortilla or toast.

I have previously expressed my love for the Notorious BHO, and have even enjoyed his namesake beer and ice cream products on occasion. I have not, however, started seeing his handsome mug in my breakfast foods.

This Southern California man has, and he details a pretty fantastic (and by fantastic I mean, made up) story about how the Hillary Clinton campaign appeared at his door in an effort to silence the great toast apparition of 2008:

Yesterday morning my wife asked me if I wanted toast for breakfast. I said “sure.”

Now I wish that I had never said that…

March Madness: America’s Top 10 Drunk College Foods

With the NCAA basketball tournament tipping off this afternoon, America’s brightest young minds are poised to spend the next month doing what they do best: getting drunk and yelling at television screens. When all the blood, sweat, tears – and beer – are swept off the court, the nation’s 18 million college students will be left in search of one thing: some grease to soak it all up.

While you were finalizing your bracket picks, Endless Simmer carefully evaluated the tournament field to compile this list of the tournament’s Top 10 Colleges – ranked by the drunk food they have to offer their hungry, hungry students. Eat that, U.S. News and World Report.

10. University of Wisconsin – Mac ‘n Cheese Pizza

Photo: J&J Blog

Oh maaaan, I need some pizza. Cheesy pizza. Mmmm, cheese. No, wait, I want mac and cheese. Oooh! Pizza with mac and cheese on top! That’s what I want.

If you have ever said or heard a statement like this, you are almost certainly a drunk college student. Also, you probably live in Wisconsin.

The Badgers may have been dissed by the selection committee (29-4 can’t get you a no #2 seed??) but Wisconsin never was as good at sports as they are at creative use of cheese. Madison drunks flock to Ian’s Pizza for this gooey, magnificent creation that just couldn’t come from any other state.

9. Rutgers – Fat Darell

Photo: AP

Don Imus’ not-so-favorite team is back in the women’s tourney as a Number 2 seed, while the Rutgers men were sent packing after a miserable season at the bottom of the Big East.

But don’t feel too bad for the Scarlet Knights – they can always console themselves back on campus with a Jersey summer full of Fat Darrells, a behemoth of a sandwich that solves the drunk’s eternal dilemma of “Do I want chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, or French fries?”

The answer: a resounding “all three,” piled high on a sub role and topped off with marinara sauce. I’d tell you more about it but I’m a little short of breath and I feel a painful shooting sensation in my arm.

8. Purdue – The Duane Purvis All-American

Photo: Flick User Horsepj

You can be forgiven if you didn’t know the name of Purdue’s All-American half-back/full-back from their undefeated 1932 football team. But you should damn well know the burger that bears his name.

The Triple XXX Family Restaurant in West Lafayette, Indiana serves up this decidedly unwholesome Boilermaker classic: 100% sirloin patty with lettuce, tomato, pickle, Spanish onions, and….wait for it…peanut butter. Only a drunk or Elvis – perhaps only a drunk Elvis – could fully appreciate this brilliance.

7. University of San Diego – Filiberto’s Carne Asada Burrito

Photo: Flickr user buckofive

The San Diego Toreros may not be a household name – in fact, if you google the phrase University of San Diego team, the first hit is the school’s mock trial club. Scroll down to the bottom of the results page to find the bball squad, who shocked favorites Gonzaga and St. Mary’s to steal the WCC title and a berth in the big dance this year.

But that’s not what has these young fellows so excited; they’re just pumped up about this steak-filled beauty. USD students have shown the dirt cheap, gigantic burritos from Filiberto’s so much love that the chain has expanded to towns throughout Cali and Arizona, but U Study Drunk loyalists still swear by the original.

6. University of Pittsburgh – The South Side Slope

Photo: Roadfood.com

For some reason, Polish cuisine has never quite caught on in the United States. And that reason is the simple fact that it doesn’t come between two slices of bread.

Pitt saloon Fatheads has a solution to this problem, and its name is the South Side Slope. A giant kielbasa topped with fried pierogies, grilled onions, American cheese and something called horsey sauce. Don’t ask, just eat.

Next: Top 5 America’s Top Drunk College Foods

in Bacon / Cheese / Food Travel / Lists / Red Meat / Sandwich 62 comments

by BS

Where My Peeps At?

Over on our Facebook page earlier this week, Endless Simmer was ruminating about how excited we are for Peeps Season. (Of course you already know this if you are friends with us.)

Seriously though, how awesome is Easter? Jellybeans, Cadbury’s eggs, marshmallow peeps – it’s like Halloween but with Jesus. And this year, it comes extra early. Oh man, we must have been good this year or something.

Building on our excitement, JoeHoya wanted to make sure we knew the Washington Post runs an annual PEEPS DIORAMA CONTEST.

It’s OK, take a minute. I’m sure you’re staggering back with excitement the same way I was. Here are the details:

We want you to make a diorama of a famous occurrence or scene. It can be a historical, current or future event, or it can be a nod to pop culture. The main rule is that all the characters must be played by Peeps, those marshmallowy chicks and rabbits that start plaguing checkout lines in every grocery and convenience store this time of year….The winner will receive a $100 American Express gift check and a Peeps prize pack courtesy of Just Born, the company that owns the Peeps brand. Four runners-up will receive a $50 American Express gift check and a Peeps prize pack.

Let’s recap:

You get to make a diorama, for the first time since grade school, you have to incorporate peeps, you can win dollar bills, and “Extra credit may be given to deft use of puns in the concept or title.”

Oh it’s on.

Photo: WaPo

in Contests / Desserts 7 comments

by BS

Costanza was Wrong

I’m sure everyone remembers the extremely profound episode of Seinfeld that dealt with the sensitive issue of “double dipping.” Costanza gets in a fight when his girlfriend’s brother Timmy chastises him for dipping a chip in dip, taking a bite, and returning the bitten chip to the bowl for more dip.

A little disgusting but a little bit necessary, to re-dip or not to re-dip is a burning question we all face from time to time. One dip just can’t feasibly grab the correct ratio of chip to dip. You really need that second submersion to get two perfect bites of chip and dip, but unless you’re eating the whole bag by yourself at home , there’s always that worry that someone at the party might be waiting to publicly out your double dipping. So what to do???

The answer you’ve been waiting for, after the jump.

Who is the Eater of the Year?

As Endless Simmer nears the end of our first calendar year, we’re ready to look back at the time that was and honor the people who have inspired out palates and our keyboards. In that spirit, we present to you the First Annual Endless Simmer Eater of the Year Award. From the California hippies who told us to put down the foreign produce, to the wiener eating champ who made Americans believe again, these are the men and women who kept our mouths wide open all year long.

If we missed any important eaters, please let us know in the comments, and our awards committee will review them for inclusion. Of course, the final vote is up to you, so tell us who the Eater of the Year is.

The nominees:

Joey Chestnut

The 2000’s have not been kind to America. We’ve seen our troops bogged down overseas, our jobs sent to India, our basketball championships surrendered to Europe. But most damaging to our national pride was a seemingly impossible losing streak. For seven years in a row, America’s most prestigious eating trophy – The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island – was carried away by a man from the efficient, but undeniably skinny nation of Japan.

We don’t always promote binge eating here at Endless Simmer, but even the most left-wing, anti-W hippies have got to admit there’s something wrong when we’re losing a hot dog eating contest to the Japanese.

The shattered dreams of American eaters were resurrected this Independence Day, when Joseph Christian “Jaws” Chestnut, the pride of San Jose, California, swallowed 66 dogs to take the crown back from Kobayashi. And Joey ain’t no one trick pony, he also ruled the day at Philly’s Wing Bowl and has set world eating records in burgers, ribs, waffles, and for good measure, even asparagus.

The Locavore Four

A year ago, we could bite into a mango, an avocado, or a plate of Russian caviar without ever thinking “what is this doing to my carbon footprint?” Not anymore.

This quartet of Bay Area hippies challenged us to limit our intake to foods produced within a 100 mile radius, even coining a crazy new word – locavore – that took top honors as the Oxford word of the year (we hear the cougar set is pissed they didn’t win). And while we may not be able to implement their guidelines fully (who can go all day without eating brie?), they sure did make us consider it.

Anthony Bourdain

His constant media presence may put him just this side of irrepressible, but the always-cantankerous chef carved out a new niche for himself in 2007 as the unofficial policeman of the foodie world. Whenever there was a food trend to be scoffed at, a cocky chef to be insulted, a Rachel Ray to be ridiculed, Bourdain was there.

In an age of constant praise for mediocrity, this is one brutal cheflebrity who tells it like it is. He even wins the Dick Cheney award for straight-faced exaggeration for calling anti-foie gras activists “the worst kind of terrorists.” And what other TV chef would have the balls to do this? Bourdain – what would we do without him?

Padma Lakshmi

Rarely has someone so deftly turned D-list celebrity into full fledged stardom merely by putting expensive things in her mouth week after week. Top Chef became a cultural phenomenon this year (OK, a basic cable phenomenon) and millions of viewers inadvertently learned the meaning of words like amuse bouche and panna cotta, in between glimpses of Lakshmi munching away in ecstasy. While we periodically got distracted by her messy divorce, cookbook tour, and constant pleas to be taken seriously, all we really want to do is watch her eat.

Also, writing “Padma Lakshmi” multiple times in your blog posts really boosts search engine optimization from India to Indiana.

p.s.: Padma Lakshmi

p.p.s.: Padma Lakshmi

p.p.p.s.: Padma Lakshmi nude

Chocolate Jesus

Who’s made out of 200 pounds of delicious milk chocolate and makes Catholic League President Bill Donohue pee his bed at night? Why, it’s Chocolate Jesus, that’s who! While legions of Christians around the world debate the true wisdom of the Holy Son, artist Cosimo Cavallaro helped us see the truth – his roots lay deep in milk, sugar and cocoa.

Al Gore

*Federal Compliance*

Congress passed a little-noticed law in December 2006 that mandated Al Gore must be nominated for every award given out in the year 2007.

[poll id=”5″]

Photos: USA Today, Men.Style.Com, Herald Sun

in Celebs / Contests / Desserts / Red Meat / Trends / TV 36 comments

by BS

Dr. Pepper – Now Available in Poo Flavor!

So Good, our fav chronicler of corporate America’s attempts to market food via the Internets, alerts us to the promotional campaign for the new Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper (aside: holy overload! You know you’re overreaching when your soda has five words in it). So Dr. P has enlisted that ubiquitous Chocolate Rain guy from YouTube to film “Cherry Chocolate Rain.”

Now, I’m just not sure why Dr. Pepper went ahead with a video that even the world’s douchiest food blogger knows is clearly about poo.

I mean, if they wanted to corner the scatalogical market, they could have at least shelled out for R. Kelly.

So Good: Cherry Chocolate Rain.

in Drinks 2 comments