March Madness: America’s Top 10 Drunk College Foods

With the NCAA basketball tournament tipping off this afternoon, America’s brightest young minds are poised to spend the next month doing what they do best: getting drunk and yelling at television screens. When all the blood, sweat, tears – and beer – are swept off the court, the nation’s 18 million college students will be left in search of one thing: some grease to soak it all up.

While you were finalizing your bracket picks, Endless Simmer carefully evaluated the tournament field to compile this list of the tournament’s Top 10 Colleges – ranked by the drunk food they have to offer their hungry, hungry students. Eat that, U.S. News and World Report.

10. University of Wisconsin – Mac ‘n Cheese Pizza

Photo: J&J Blog

Oh maaaan, I need some pizza. Cheesy pizza. Mmmm, cheese. No, wait, I want mac and cheese. Oooh! Pizza with mac and cheese on top! That’s what I want.

If you have ever said or heard a statement like this, you are almost certainly a drunk college student. Also, you probably live in Wisconsin.

The Badgers may have been dissed by the selection committee (29-4 can’t get you a no #2 seed??) but Wisconsin never was as good at sports as they are at creative use of cheese. Madison drunks flock to Ian’s Pizza for this gooey, magnificent creation that just couldn’t come from any other state.

9. Rutgers – Fat Darell

Photo: AP

Don Imus’ not-so-favorite team is back in the women’s tourney as a Number 2 seed, while the Rutgers men were sent packing after a miserable season at the bottom of the Big East.

But don’t feel too bad for the Scarlet Knights – they can always console themselves back on campus with a Jersey summer full of Fat Darrells, a behemoth of a sandwich that solves the drunk’s eternal dilemma of “Do I want chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, or French fries?”

The answer: a resounding “all three,” piled high on a sub role and topped off with marinara sauce. I’d tell you more about it but I’m a little short of breath and I feel a painful shooting sensation in my arm.

8. Purdue – The Duane Purvis All-American

Photo: Flick User Horsepj

You can be forgiven if you didn’t know the name of Purdue’s All-American half-back/full-back from their undefeated 1932 football team. But you should damn well know the burger that bears his name.

The Triple XXX Family Restaurant in West Lafayette, Indiana serves up this decidedly unwholesome Boilermaker classic: 100% sirloin patty with lettuce, tomato, pickle, Spanish onions, and….wait for it…peanut butter. Only a drunk or Elvis – perhaps only a drunk Elvis – could fully appreciate this brilliance.

7. University of San Diego – Filiberto’s Carne Asada Burrito

Photo: Flickr user buckofive

The San Diego Toreros may not be a household name – in fact, if you google the phrase University of San Diego team, the first hit is the school’s mock trial club. Scroll down to the bottom of the results page to find the bball squad, who shocked favorites Gonzaga and St. Mary’s to steal the WCC title and a berth in the big dance this year.

But that’s not what has these young fellows so excited; they’re just pumped up about this steak-filled beauty. USD students have shown the dirt cheap, gigantic burritos from Filiberto’s so much love that the chain has expanded to towns throughout Cali and Arizona, but U Study Drunk loyalists still swear by the original.

6. University of Pittsburgh – The South Side Slope

Photo: Roadfood.com

For some reason, Polish cuisine has never quite caught on in the United States. And that reason is the simple fact that it doesn’t come between two slices of bread.

Pitt saloon Fatheads has a solution to this problem, and its name is the South Side Slope. A giant kielbasa topped with fried pierogies, grilled onions, American cheese and something called horsey sauce. Don’t ask, just eat.

5. Clemson – The Super Taco Cuban Torta

Photo: Link

You might assume these fine young ladies and gentlemen are exited about the Clemson Tigers’ stunning upset of Duke in the ACC tournament, but actually, they just ordered Cuban tortas from campus fave Super Taco. I know what you’re saying – a taco place makes Cuban sandwiches? This doesn’t sound very genuine to me. Well stuff it, because genuine is not much of a concern when you are putting an effing hot dog on a Cuban sandwich.

The only thing this bad boy has in common with the o.g. Cuban is bread. A crapload of seasoned pork and ham is topped with a wiener for the least Kosher sandwich of all time. In case that’s not enough fat content for you, this monstrosity comes complete with sour cream, and just for good measure, lettuce and tomato.

4. Long Island University at Brooklyn – Something Different

Photo: A very drunk ES commenter

OK Fine, LIU-Brooklyn isn’t in the tournament this year. But they were the cinderella team a few years back, if I remember correctly.

And they are also the only school with the good sense to locate their campus across the street from Junior’s – the legendary Brooklyn institution that is home to a sandwich so genius it just might make bread obsolete.

The “Something Different” consists of two oversize potato latkes encasing a pile of beef brisket, served with both au jus and apple sauce, for the messiest dipping experience of your life. It’s glorious.

3. University of California at Berkeley – Lothlorien Food Orgy

Photo: College OTR

Lest you think drunken munching is limited to meat-eaters, Berkeley’s bacchanalian vegetarians are standing by to prove you wrong. The all-vegetarian Lothlorien House throws an annual festival of food and love so outrageous that it makes Big Ten frat blowouts look like children’s birthday parties. And the tasty treat in question is, um, you…and the girl next to you…and her sister…and her boyfriend…all covered in chocolate.

Documented details of this mythical rite are both scarce and seductive:

bottomless jugs of wine…

as articles of clothing drop, out comes melted chocolate, which gets poured upon everyone…

average hookups per person can reach double digits…

my armpit hair is all chocolated…must shower now.

Personally, I prefer a party with fewer mentions of pubic hair, but it sure sounds like a drunken, tasty good time.

2. Georgetown/American University – Jumbo Slice

Photo: Selidadsullivan

DC’s sizable fratboy and sorostitute population spend weekend evenings trolling the Adams Morgan nightlife/meat market scene, and no 18th Street bar crawl is complete without a 3 a.m stop for the legendary jumbo slice of pizza.

An actually-bigger-than-your-head mess of flimsy crust, oily cheese and cheap tomato sauce, this is one slice of pizza that couldn’t possibly look appetizing to anyone who has consumed fewer than a dozen beers. But if the timing – and alcohol consumption – is just right, jumbo slice is heaven on a paper plate (two plates, actually).

1. University of Georgia – The Luther Burger

Photo: Texas Burger Guy

The Atlanta metro area is a bastion of larger-than-life, Southern-fried deliciousness. But there’s one food that gives the Bulldogs a leg up on the 63 other teams in the big dance. As the sole tournament team from the Peach State, they’re the only students within driving (designated, please) distance of Mulligan’s Tavern, home to the original Luther Burger.

According to legend, the sandwich was created by the late great Luther Vandross, but the simple genius of the Luther Burger means you can assemble one anywhere in the country for your own drunken, sports-watching enjoyment. There are just four easy steps:

1- Slice a Krispy Kreme donut in half.

2- Grill the donut.

3- Place a delicious bacon cheeseburger in between your grilled donut bun.

4- Eat.