Lists - - Page 29

by BS

Top 10 Stocking Stuffers for Foodies

OK fine, we realize no one is likely getting us any of these outrageous food gifts this year. But here are a few last-minute ideas for some cheapo gifts to toss in your favorite foodie’s Christmas stocking or Hanukaa lederhosen.

10. USB Flash Food Drives

Is that a watermelon in your pocket or 350 megabytes of digital information? We think these nifty USB drives — which also come in hamburger, sushi, and strawberry — might just make us hungry all day long, but what a great idea to treat the food blogger on your list to.

9. One Click Butter Cutter

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like “here’s a way to control how much butter you eat.” But if one of your loved ones has an unfortunate tendency to eat the whole stick, you might want to consider one of these handy butter portion control devices, which ensure you get just one little pat each morning.

8. Bacon Bubbles

For those of you who treat your pet dog less like a companion and more like an amusement, you’ll enjoy watching Fido (or BS) jump around the room for hours on end chasing an endless stream of bacon-smelling bubbles. Honestly, I think this might actually be a torture device.

7. Barack Obama’s Favorite Chocolates

We know you’ve got at least one on your list — the creepily obsessed hope-monger who shrieks with joy at the mere mention of anything Obama-related. (OMG did you hear who’s being considered for deputy undersecretary of agriculture? I totally can’t even believe it!) The Haphazard Gourmet Girls point us towards Barack’s favorite sweet treat — the smoked salt caramels dipped in milk chocolate from Seattle’s Fran’s Chocolates. Guaranteed to bring you one step closer to Barackutopia.

by BS

The Top 10 Most Outrageous Holiday Gifts for Foodies

I’m sick and tired of reading about ideas for recession-era holiday gifts. We have one little global financial meltdown and all of a sudden we’re all supposed to do our Christmas shopping at Family Dollar? I don’t think so. This is Christmas! The season of greed and gluttony! The time for Americans to dig ourselves into a financial, spiritual, and health hole so deep that it lasts until Spring. Christmas is no time to start cutting up our credit cards and pulling ourselves out of this financial mess.

The “experts” keep telling us we’re in this recession thing for the long haul, so what harm could one more season of unnecessary overspending do? In that heartwarming holiday spirit, may we present the Top 10 Most Outrageous Holiday Gifts for Foodies, celebrating the best in kitchen presents that are insanely overpriced, shamelessly unitasking, and utterly, completely necessary.

10. Dough-Nu-Matic Automatic Dougnut Machine

I love America’s favorite fried cake treat as much as the next staunch patriot, but donuts fall firmly into the category of things we should not be allowed to make at home. Especially in a gizmo that “automatically forms, fries and drains delectable mini-doughnuts in just 50 seconds!” This is just not right. I am envisioning a dark future in which a nation of 1,000-pound Americans never leave home, unable to lure themselves away from the glazed goodness that is automatically shot into our mouths every 50 seconds. Also, I really want one of these.

9. Aerogarden Elite Garden

I want to be a good locavore, I really do. It would be so great to have fresh basil and lettuce and tomatoes all growing in my backyard. But it all sounds so…dirty. Not anymore. This do-it-yourself (but don’t do much) kit comes complete with a ready-to-go package of seeds, is automatically set to adjust for the most appropriate lighting, and doesn’t even require soil (WTF? How?) It even alerts you when your plants need to be watered. Good luck explaining to the DEA officer that it really is oregano.

8. Peanut Butter of the Month Club

OK, so January is creamy, February is chunky, but what comes after that? I’m really not sure, but if peanut butter is the next thing we’re supposed to get food-snobby about, count me in! This gift features 12 “limited-production, specialty-flavored peanut butters from boutique peanut butter producers nationwide.” Who knew there was even such a thing as a “boutique peanut butter producer?!” For the low-low price of $215, you can spend the whole year telling your friends that you’re really into raspberry white chocolate peanut butter, cinnamon currant peanut butter, or truffle foie gras peanut butter laced with PCP! OK, I made that last one up but the others are real. Amazing!

in Bacon / Desserts / Drinks / Holiday / Lists / Pig / Red Meat 35 comments

by BS

What Are We Googling?

Endless Simmer has been live for a year and a half now (!) and hundreds of thousands of you have stumbled upon our li’l old blog all sorts of different ways. One thing ya’ll might not realize is that the Google overlords tell us exactly how people are finding our blog and what search terms they use to get here. So gansie, 80p, and I have spent plenty of time over the last 18 months emailing each other and giggling every time someone finds ES by searching “cindy mccain sex bacon” or “giada boobs + fat free brownie.”

I think it’s important that all of you know just what kind of people are reading alongside you, so I’ve decided to invite our readers to share in the fun. Don’t worry, no names will be named. So here are our Top 10 favorite search terms that led readers to ES in November. For each one of these, we somehow come up on the first page of google. Oh, the wonders of the Internets.

PS – you are all perverts!

10. anthony bourdain’s penis – ES Rank: #6

9. gail simmons porn – ES Rank: #9 (although I don’t think it exists)

8. balls in your mouth – ES Rank: #6

7. nude taco eaters – ES Rank: #7

6. fuck this shit – ES Rank: #6 (well done, gansie..who ever said your dirty mouth couldn’t get you anywhere?)

5. american goat party – ES Rank: #2 (sounds fun)

in Lists 5 comments

by BS

Top 10 Food Pun Halloween Costumes

We’ve done cute, weird, and sexy, but now it’s time to talk about the very best type of Halloween costume: Punny! You know, the type that makes you really proud of yourself but just makes others say “Oh, I get it” and not laugh. Pun costumes!

To make it even more fun, I’m not gonna tell you what the puns are. Ya’ll gotta figure it our yourselves. Your only clue is that they all have something to do with some kind of food. So here are the Top 10 Food Pun Halloween Costumes. Guess away!

10:

Via: Starfirerapture

Via: coolest-homemade-costumes.com

Via: PrankPlace

Via: Coolest Homemande Costumes

in Holiday / Lists 28 comments

by BS

Top 10 Sexiest Food Halloween Costumes

We’ve already covered people who use Halloween as an excuse to embarrass themselves (or their children). But some folks use the holiday for a much more practical purpose: Getting laid. You know who I’m talking about. Those usually uptight types who interpret Halloween costumes as a reason to get half naked in public. And if you can incorporate food into it, you’ve won my heart. So take a look at the Top 10 Sexiest Food Halloween Costumes:

10. The Sexy Chef

Via: Costume Shopper

A slutty classic.

9. Dirty Martini

Via: Inventor Spot

Points for the details, right down to the pimento nipples.

8. Banana Au Naturale

Via: Hub Pages

Come on now, I am pretty sure this one is meant to be worn with clothes on.

in Holiday / Lists 9 comments

by BS

Top 10 Weirdest Food Halloween Costumes

We kicked the week off by looking at the top ten cutest food halloween costumes, but for some of you (and us) baby-less, pet-less people, Halloween is less about embarrassing your tiny loved ones, and more about letting your own freak flag fly sky-high. So today, here’s a look at the Top Ten Weirdest Food Halloween Costumes:

10. Real Life Ramen

Via: WTF Costumes

Who does this? And where is the lime-chili shrimp flavor?

9. The T-Boner

Via: BuyCostumes.com

The most amazing thing about this ad is that they got the guy to actually pose just as douchebaggy as you would expect someone who bought this costume to look. They say it’s hard to screw up steak, but…well done.

8. Giant Furry Cupcake

Via: Myspace

in Endless Cupcakes / Holiday / Lists 22 comments

by BS

Top 10 Cutest Food Halloween Costumes

Endless Simmer’s second favorite holiday is right around the corner (sorry, but candy or no candy, Halloween can’t compete with Turkey Day). To get us all ready for trick-or-treating, we’ll spend the next two weeks looking at the funniest/sexiest/scariest/weirdest Halloween costumes we can find —of course, they will all feature food.

Up first, for all you sickos who use Halloween only as an excuse to torture your babies/dogs/kittens, here are The Top 10 Cutest Food Halloween Costumes:

10. WonderBaby

Via: The Find