Who Cooked It Better? Tony Bourdain vs. Hezbollah Tofu

anthony_bourdain-cc.jpghezbollah-tofu.jpgIn last week’s Who Cooked It Better?, Giada De Laurentiis put some serious smackdown on Rachael Ray. With more than 340 of you weighing in, Giada’s prosciutto-wrapped scallops are preferred to Rachael Ray’s by a whopping 86% to 14% margin.

Speaking of RayRay, she may be on the market for a new nemesis, because her frequent sparing partner, Mr. Anthony Bourdain, has a powerful new enemy.

You may remember that Bourdain earned the ire of the vegetarian/vegan community with this quote:

“Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, and an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food.”

Well the folks over at the new Hezbollah Tofu blog are putting their money where their morals are. They’re cooking their way through Bourdain’s classic Les Halles Cookbook, in an attempt to prove that his fatty, meat-y, extra cheesy recipes can be just as tasty sans the animal products. Hezbollah Tofu’s first challenge is one of the Les Halles mainstays: French onion soup.



Bourdain’s version, on the left, starts with a meat-heavy broth that calls for both chicken stock and bacon. Complicating life for the vegans is a whopping six ounces of butter. This delectable mess is topped with crispy baguette croutons and grated Gruyere cheese. (Real, imported, Gruyere, obv.) If that’s not enough food snobbery for you, the recipe calls for a Bouquet Garni (that’s chef-speak for parsley, thyme and bay leaf). Complete recipe here.

It obviously won’t be easy for Hezbollah Tofu to top Tony B’s gooey bowl of goodness, but she gets downright creative on Bourdain’s ass, losing the bacon and subbing in black trumpet mushrooms blanched in a sherry/vegetable stock mixture. And this is no bland, tofu-based fake cheese – tahini, nutritional yeast, lemon juice and more go into this delicate un-cheese. In a final attempt to out-fancy Bourdian, the vegan FOS is topped with toasted almonds. Complete recipe here.

So, dear readers…
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Photos: Chowhound, Hezbollah Tofu.

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  • zeegan June 3, 2008  

    Every macho tool enjoys anything that justifies his stupidity, like “there are too many deer and they’ll just starve to death anyway, so lets go hide behind trees and shoot them with our pussy sticks(read rifles)” … they also use words like “snarky”… Last Tango…I mean 2Sticks of Butter likes Asshat Bourdain’s “writing”… and eating corn the LONG WAY… when will having a penis finally be enough to classify one as a “real man”? And when will meat eaters finally discover that they SMELL BAD?

  • hilarina June 5, 2008  

    Although I love me a little attitude of Bourdain’s as of late he has certainly gone over the edge. I used to never miss a show. However the recipe is dull. Standard. BOOOOORRRRIIIINNNGGGG. It takes being innovative to be a chef….HT has my vote! It is a extra bonus to make somethng deee-lish AND be compassionate. Isn’t feeding someone supposed to be a compassionate thing anyway??

  • Coonass foodie July 10, 2008  

    Wow you people are absolutely nuts french onion with know meat stock or cheese you all must have it out for bourdain because I have no interest at all in that vegan abomination.

  • Coonass foodie July 10, 2008  

    I stopped hunting deer………..I hunt vegans and no Im not hiding behind a tree……. Im hiding in the back seat of your prius.

  • Kathryn August 27, 2008  

    Bourdain is a douchebag. Plain and simple. I can’t wait until he (like Wendy’s founder, Dave) dies of a clogged up ticker and respiratory failure. Smoke up, asshole.

  • fornetti September 1, 2008  

    I do not believe this

  • France September 11, 2008  

    Using bacon in cooking is like using swear words in writing or speaking. People who swear seem as if they lacking in imagination and creativity in their speech or writing. The words tend to be strong and have an unmistakable ‘flavour.’ Like bacon.

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  • alexandria February 8, 2014  

    They both look disgusting.

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