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by BS

Huckabee Does 360 in Attempt to Win Back Foodie Vote

Ever since we shocked the political world with our unendorsement of Hillary Clinton last week, which directly lead to her collapse in the Iowa caucuses (even though she had the best snacks!), the presidential candidates have been trembling in their boots to see what Endless Simmer is going to do next.

But make no mistake about it, would-be Commanders-in-Chief: we will not be swayed by false foodiness.

In the most shameless display of food pandering, also unendorsed candidate Mike Huckabee has completely abandoned his Middle America “I love Applebees” positioning, and embraced an elitist Northeastern food stance ahead of the New Hampshire primary.

Case in point: at a campaign stop Monday, the man who formerly only ate horse meat sat down for a “Huck-a-burger.” So what’s in a burger named after the Boy from Hope? Freshly slaughtered spam topped with miracle whip and creamed corn? Nope, check it out:

A Huckaburger is a patty of herb-seared bison, tomato, and baby spinach on a whole wheat English muffin, served with deep-fried pickles.

Herb-seared bison? Baby spinach?? English muffin????? Excuuuuuse me, Monsieur Huckabee. Would you like any Grey Poupon with that?

Honestly, the Huck-a-burger sounds quite delicious. And do tell me more about these fried pickles.

But the food-loving voters of America will not be fooled. Mike Huckabee, for utterly shameless vote-baiting, you are doubly unendorsed.

UPDATE: Oh, wait – I guess that’s supposed to be called a 180. My bad, not a math blog.

Photo: The Elephant

by BS

Hillary, Huckabee Nab Endless Simmer Unendorsements

Way back in 2007, Endless Simmer started a presidential endorsement process to make sure our readers know who the best candidate for eating is. Because this crop has many more bad eggs than good ones, we’re working in reverse order, un-endorsing the candidates until we find a winner.

While this might not be the single most coveted endorsement in the world of politics, it should certainly be noted that our November unendorsment of Mitt Romney was quickly followed by a freefall in the one-time frontrunner’s poll number. Coincidence? Or the strength of the food blog universe finally making our voice heard?

Well now, on the eve of the Iowa caucuses, we are ready to unendorse two more frontrunners, almost certainly dooming their presidential prospects.

First up: Mike Huckabee. You might have assumed this folksy former fatty would be a shoe-in to win the ES nod, given that he is the only candidate who has written a whole book about food (his 2005 bestseller about his struggle with anorexia). But Huckabee’s food-based campaign began to unravel when I came across this passage in a New York Times Magazine profile:

I met Huckabee for lunch at an Olive Garden restaurant in Midtown Manhattan. (I had offered to take him anywhere he wanted and then vetoed his first choice, T.G.I. Friday’s.)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guvner – you had to choose ANY RESTAURANT IN MANHATTAN and you opted for TGIF, with the backup of Olive Garden?!?

I understand you are going for the whole populist preacher thing, so no one expects you to dine at Momofuku of Per se, but um…Famous Rays? Five Guys? Shake Shack? Chipotle for Christ’s sake! Anywhere but Friday’s. Mike Huckabee, you are unendorsed.

Anthony Bourdain is Your Eater of the Year

He can always see you…

Despite certain commenters protestations that he is so over already, and others’ pleas that he needs to get off the book tours and back into the kitchen, there was virtually no contest: Anthony Bourdain is the 1st Annual Endless Simmer Eater of the Year.

With 450 of you voting, Mr. Bourdain more than doubled his nearest competitor, Joey Chestnut.

Padma Lakshmi came in a respectable third, cementing her often contentious status as a bona fide eater. Al Gore, meanwhile, had to settle for his frequent position as always the nominee, never the top dog.

Thanks for voting – and don’t forget to send us news on your favorite eaters throughout 2008. In the meantime, we’ll keep you updated on the many exploits of the talented Mr. Bourdain.
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Photo: KQED

in Celebs / Contests / Trends / TV 9 comments

by BS

Eater of the Year Update

The Eater of the Year award has already logged nearly 300 votes and, as usual, endless simmer has set the Interwebs afire.

So far, ya’ll still have a lamb-boner for Mr. Bourdain, who is semi-running away with this thing. Midseason Replacements offers a thorough analysis of the race, and explains why you all are so enamored with Bourdain.

If anyone can catch Tony, it looks like it’s gonna be the giant slayer himself, Joey Chestnut. New York Magazine wonders how you guys could consider anybody but Chestnut, but over at fEATs, some are claiming he isn’t even the best competitive eater of the year.

Not surprisingly, the most controversy came from our inclusion of Pretty Padma (Ms. Lakshmi if you nasty). Fishbowl LA says she’s more like “Eaten of the Year,” which sounds dirty but I don’t think I quite get it – anyone? But perhaps my favorite comment was back over at MSR, where May says “Padma Lakshmi sounds like something Rachel Ray would serve on a garden herb triscut.”

Al Gore chimed in saying “even though I fear my words cannot match this moment, I pray what I am feeling in my heart will be communicated clearly enough that those who hear me will say, ‘we must act.”

Honestly, I think that sounds a little optimistic for a guy stuck at seven percent, but thanks for the love, A.G.

The Locavores, meanwhile, took to paraphrasing John Lennon, and are just happy to be more popular than Chocolate Jesus.

Voting continues into next week, and anything can happen. For the full explanation of the nominees, check out the original post – and if you haven’t voted, cast away below.

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in Celebs / Contests / Desserts / Red Meat / Trends / TV 5 comments

by BS

Who is the Eater of the Year?

As Endless Simmer nears the end of our first calendar year, we’re ready to look back at the time that was and honor the people who have inspired out palates and our keyboards. In that spirit, we present to you the First Annual Endless Simmer Eater of the Year Award. From the California hippies who told us to put down the foreign produce, to the wiener eating champ who made Americans believe again, these are the men and women who kept our mouths wide open all year long.

If we missed any important eaters, please let us know in the comments, and our awards committee will review them for inclusion. Of course, the final vote is up to you, so tell us who the Eater of the Year is.

The nominees:

Joey Chestnut

The 2000’s have not been kind to America. We’ve seen our troops bogged down overseas, our jobs sent to India, our basketball championships surrendered to Europe. But most damaging to our national pride was a seemingly impossible losing streak. For seven years in a row, America’s most prestigious eating trophy – The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island – was carried away by a man from the efficient, but undeniably skinny nation of Japan.

We don’t always promote binge eating here at Endless Simmer, but even the most left-wing, anti-W hippies have got to admit there’s something wrong when we’re losing a hot dog eating contest to the Japanese.

The shattered dreams of American eaters were resurrected this Independence Day, when Joseph Christian “Jaws” Chestnut, the pride of San Jose, California, swallowed 66 dogs to take the crown back from Kobayashi. And Joey ain’t no one trick pony, he also ruled the day at Philly’s Wing Bowl and has set world eating records in burgers, ribs, waffles, and for good measure, even asparagus.

The Locavore Four

A year ago, we could bite into a mango, an avocado, or a plate of Russian caviar without ever thinking “what is this doing to my carbon footprint?” Not anymore.

This quartet of Bay Area hippies challenged us to limit our intake to foods produced within a 100 mile radius, even coining a crazy new word – locavore – that took top honors as the Oxford word of the year (we hear the cougar set is pissed they didn’t win). And while we may not be able to implement their guidelines fully (who can go all day without eating brie?), they sure did make us consider it.

Anthony Bourdain

His constant media presence may put him just this side of irrepressible, but the always-cantankerous chef carved out a new niche for himself in 2007 as the unofficial policeman of the foodie world. Whenever there was a food trend to be scoffed at, a cocky chef to be insulted, a Rachel Ray to be ridiculed, Bourdain was there.

In an age of constant praise for mediocrity, this is one brutal cheflebrity who tells it like it is. He even wins the Dick Cheney award for straight-faced exaggeration for calling anti-foie gras activists “the worst kind of terrorists.” And what other TV chef would have the balls to do this? Bourdain – what would we do without him?

Padma Lakshmi

Rarely has someone so deftly turned D-list celebrity into full fledged stardom merely by putting expensive things in her mouth week after week. Top Chef became a cultural phenomenon this year (OK, a basic cable phenomenon) and millions of viewers inadvertently learned the meaning of words like amuse bouche and panna cotta, in between glimpses of Lakshmi munching away in ecstasy. While we periodically got distracted by her messy divorce, cookbook tour, and constant pleas to be taken seriously, all we really want to do is watch her eat.

Also, writing “Padma Lakshmi” multiple times in your blog posts really boosts search engine optimization from India to Indiana.

p.s.: Padma Lakshmi

p.p.s.: Padma Lakshmi

p.p.p.s.: Padma Lakshmi nude

Chocolate Jesus

Who’s made out of 200 pounds of delicious milk chocolate and makes Catholic League President Bill Donohue pee his bed at night? Why, it’s Chocolate Jesus, that’s who! While legions of Christians around the world debate the true wisdom of the Holy Son, artist Cosimo Cavallaro helped us see the truth – his roots lay deep in milk, sugar and cocoa.

Al Gore

*Federal Compliance*

Congress passed a little-noticed law in December 2006 that mandated Al Gore must be nominated for every award given out in the year 2007.

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Photos: USA Today, Men.Style.Com, Herald Sun

in Celebs / Contests / Desserts / Red Meat / Trends / TV 36 comments

by BS

Krafty Bastards

Our new foodie friend over at So Good has been making it his full-time job to ridicule corporate America’s latest attempt to get hip with the kids. It all started with this New York Times article profiling Kraft Foods’ new youthful marketing strategy.

The idea is centered around a Kraft Singles MySpace page where young ‘uns have the chance to upload videos documenting their passion for American cheese, with the chance to win $50,000 and have their homemade spot turned into a TV commercial.

After checking it out, So Good made fun of the fact that Kraft had yet to make a single MySpace friend, not even Ryan Gosling.

That’s when Kraft went all Troll Foods on So Good, dispensing their VP of Marketing for Cheese and Dairy (actual title) to comment on his blog, telling him to “check his facts,” because Kraft was totally gonna make all kinds of friends, loser.

Check your facts. MySpace won’t allow you to become a friend until the contest starts tomorrow. Kraft Singles will have a bunch of friends. Everybody likes grilled cheese. Especially if you make it with Kraft Singles.

Mitt Romney Loses Coveted Endless Simmer Endorsement

Not that he had much of a chance, but this makes it official. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he may or may not have seven wives, because we would totally vote for Bill Henrickson.

It’s his food knowledge we’re calling into question. Check out this video on Wonkette, in which the great Mormon hope visits the Greenville, South Carolina Chili Cook-off, and makes three unforgivable food faux pas:

1- How hilarious is his over-endorsement of that ice cream? Even for Mr. Optimism, he goes a little overboard there. I have a hard time believing it is really quite that good. He does everything but say “this tastes better than Jesus.”

2- When assaulted by three Hooters girls, Romney passes up a request to endorse their chili. Come on, now – this is an opportunity Bill Clinton never would have missed. Do you know how many Hooters Voters there are in Iowa, Mitt?

3- Finally, Romney is confronted by a giant banana. Mitt’s response: “What are you, a pepper?” What?!? Seriously, who can’t recognize a banana? How does that look like a pepper? Get yourself off the campaign trail and into the kitchen, Mitt. Disgraceful.

Stay tuned for future ES unendorsements. So far, Hillary is in trouble ever since she called us fat, but Fred “grits n’ bacon” Thompson is looking pretty good, assuming he stays off that diet.

Photo: The Onion.

in Contests / Politics 20 comments