Rants & Raves -

by Emily

The Most Offensive “Brownies” Ever

I was at Target last week and I found something that everyone needs!

And by “everyone” I mean “no one.”

Let’s work through this…

Making brownies is pretty easy. Flour, egg, cocoa powder, sugar, etc, etc. But nope, that was too hard for us. So we made brownie mix. Just dump the powder into a bowl and add oil, egg, and water. You thought it couldn’t get any more simple, but no! You were wrong. Because now we have a plastic jug that looks like laundry detergent, but it’s full of weird fake brownie potion that you just fill with water and squirt into a pan. NO!

Come on, guys. This is cheating at its absolute worst. Just make delicious homemade brownies instead. It might take a slight bit more effort (hell, breathing takes more effort than that jug o’ mix) but it will be worth your precious time. I promise.

by hungry monster

Cooking with Love: Carla Hall's Rustic Mushroom Tart

Hey, guess what? I got an opportunity to review Carla Hall”s brand new cookbook, Cooking with Love: Comfort Food that Hugs You. I was obviously very excited. Thanks, ES!

I have been a fan of Carla Hall since her first season on Top Chef, Season 5. When she came back for All-Stars, I also enjoyed rooting her on. She has a southern style of cooking that focuses on comfort food and fine dining spins on classics. Plus, she has a super perky and positive personality, but not in an annoying sort of way. Like in a contagiously sunny kind of way.

This book has so many great recipes that I”ve bookmarked to try, like goat cheese grits and buffalo wing burgers (yum!) It also has some little anecdotes and tips from Carla. Carla was a caterer before she made it big and has some great tips about serving large groups, if you are into that kind of thing. If I had to give a constructive criticism about the book, it would be that I would like a picture for every recipe. That”s probably not doable to have so many photographs, but that”s what I like. Although the pictures that are already in the book are quite stunning.

All in all, I”d say everyone should definitely have this cookbook on their shelves. It”s pretty rockin”.

So, I decided to make the mushroom nbso tart recipe and it was pretty boss. Super easy and oh so tasty. I didn”t use a paddle attachment on a food processor , so my dough was a little more crumbly than hers appears. It was still really good, though.

You should make this and pop over to Amazon to preorder her book, which comes out November 6th.

Rustic Mushroom Tart from Cooking with Love

Where art Thou, Candy Corn Oreo?!

Panic. The horror, the horror. For weeks now, I’ve searched various Target stores for the “limited edition” Candy Corn Oreos, where they are supposedly “exclusively available.” Well, apparently “limited edition” means first week of October, because I’ve found none. Zero. And I’m pretty pissed about it. Plus, I’m a little confused about what Nabisco considers “seasonal.”

I can’t just keep this disappointment to myself, so I’ve decided to harness this energy and write an open letter to Nabisco:

Dear Nabisco,

First and foremost, let me say, Happy Halloween! I know how much you appreciate all of the holidays. And I admire your effort in honoring almost all of them. The green and red Oreo filling, pastel colored Oreos for Easter—it’s great. And you’ve been thinking out of the box lately—kudos. I’ve seen Neapolitan Oreos, Lemon Oreos, and even Candy Corn Oreos.

For a “limited time,” we (America) were permitted to explore the hidden treasure of a candy corn Oreo. Way-to-go on this. I am sending you a virtual gold star, and your report card will reflect it with an “O for Outstanding” and a smiley face inside of it. Those who were able to try these enjoyed the adventure.

Those who did not get to enjoy it are still looking for the damn candy corn Oreos. I thought this was a “limited time” thing as in, for the Halloween season. Perhaps you’re confused about what “seasonal” means. The sources I’ve checked define seasonal as “dependent on season or determined by a certain time of the year.” Not sure you knew this, but Halloween is on October 31st every year. It’s like Christmas—the date is constant. It’s not one of those tricky things that requires you to calculate the date.

You see, this is why I found it odd over two weeks ago (that would be mid-October) not to find the candy-corn Oreos. I found the other “seasonal” treats like candy corn, caramel apple lollipops, tons and tons of Halloween themed candy, even those stupid Halloween pretzels. Of course, these are all offered for a limited time. But apparently not as limited as your Candy Corn Oreos. However, I was able to find Neapolitan Oreos (which you would think would be offered in the summer?)

I had so many ideas for these Oreos. The possibilities were really endless. For instance, Candy Corn Oreo balls, Candy Corn Oreo cupcakes, Candy Corn Oreos covered in white chocolate, and even Candy Corn Oreo cheesecake. Instead, what did I get? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Rather than doing that, I grabbed some seasonal beers and enjoyed some Oktoberfest brews. Do your f’ing homework.

kthnxbye.

For anyone that did find these things and made something awesome—let us know! We’re very intrigued…

in Rants & Raves 2 comments

by Katt Kasper

Point/Counterpoint: Manhattan vs. New England Clam Chowder

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of the Endless Simmer Editorial staff. The comments posted here are solely the opinions of the authors, no mater how lame or convoluted.

Devil Katt: I don’t know why we’re even debating this. It’s like Pros Verses Joes when it comes to which version is better, and that version is named after the island Manhattan. No ‘foo-foo’ cream sauces to cover up the taste of OUR clams. Milk and cream is supposed to be poured over cereal, not soup, you New England numbskulls! Save it for yer Fig Newtons, ya maple swillin’ wannabe’s! Nothin’s better than the natural, rich flavors of the broth, potatoes, tomatoes and BACON, combined with fresh clams, carrots, onion and celery. And by the way, you can’t make Manhattan clam chowder if you don’t have clams. But if you take the clams out of New England Clam Chowder, whaddaya got? Cream of Potato soup! If New England Clam Chowder was so good, they wouldn’t try to kill the taste by pouring crackers over the top of it. That glop is so gummy some places have to serve it in a bread bowl just to sell it! Fergetaboutit!

Angel Katt:

Burns My Bacon: Fast Food Cheaters

WATCH OUT! Taco Bell has a new chef in town, and she’s changing the way of Taco Bell’s menu by adding a healthy option to help make you more regular after chomping down on a Doritos Taco. Unstinking offices everywhere after the lunch break. Thank goodness a “renowned” chef has come to the rescue of FAST FOOD.
You’ve heard and saw the commercials— Celebrity Chef Lorena Garcia has been wined and dined by Taco Bell and she accepts her new position as face of the franchise. Yes—a human has replaced the famed speaking pup that brought Taco Bell to a new level. Let me say that again – a professionally trained chef, has taken on the role of a strung out Chihuahua.

Why is this cheating? It’s not that I don’t enjoy the occasional guilty pleasure of a quick trip through the drive-through. But more that Lorena Garcia has completely sold out to a corporation that houses their “mexican cuisine” stores in the same buildings as KFCs. Rather than creating her own restaurants and using fresh, local ingredients, she is “making it big” with the fast food industry. Now, she has the distinct honor of having her foods frozen and shipped across the country to drunks everywhere.

I don’t care if you open a dive bar or diner—but make it your own for goodness sake! But at least she made the burrito healthy by…get this…taking out the tortilla. I think there’s another restaurant chain that does that…and I’m willing to bet their ingredients are ten times fresher and real(er?) than Taco Bell. Do you see Bobby Flay “crunchifying” burgers at the BK and Golden Arches? Is Gordon Ramsey making Au Bon Pain a more “refined” establishment? No. And they shouldn’t. I know most celebrity chefs “sell out” on occasion, but I feel like this is beyond that. Packaging your own “unique” and “special” recipes, freezing them, and selling them at your local Taco Bell is cheating. And we really don’t like cheaters here…C’mon Man!

in Celebs / Rants & Raves 6 comments

by ML

Burns My Bacon: Encouraging Cheating

Judging from my friends’ and family’s pantries, I know packaged foods are really all the rage. I know “semi-homemade” solutions are even more popular. I’m only knocking these products a little bit, because you know, if a pre-made sauce gets you to actually cook a meal instead of ordering take-out, so be it. But you know what I don’t like? I don’t like the commercials for these products shitting all over the idea of cooking.

I was laying in bed last night watching re-runs of Friends when I saw a commercial for Progresso’s new product, Recipe Starters. Except in the commercial, some woman is trying to fire-roast her own tomatoes (with a blow torch, but whatever), and some chef-like character comes along and LAUGHS AT HER FOR DOING SO, asking sarcastically “Do you churn your own butter?” and hands her a can of fire-roasted tomato sauce. You know what, bitch? I make my own mayo. Leave the poor girl alone! She’s alone, single, and if she wants to fire-roast her own tomatoes with a blow torch, LET HER!! She has the time, so get the fuck out of her (my) kitchen. Don’t make fun of her (me) just because she’s doing something she doesn’t have to do. She wants to make her own damn sauce from scratch; yes its difficult, yes its time consuming, but how does this affect you? That’s right, it doesn’t. LET HER DO WHAT SHE WANTS.

I know not everyone wants to cook, but for fuck’s sake, don’t shit on those of us who do, or those of us who are trying. Don’t discourage them. I miss the days when boxed dinners were marketed as alternatives to fast-food and take-out, not alternatives to from-scratch cooking.

in Personal / Rants & Raves 8 comments

by Katt Kasper

Wine Enemas…They’ll Get You in the End

Oh those crazy college kids! What will they do next? Being that I’m a fan of most things alcohol related, I recently came across an article about a college student that was partaking in a little nontraditional wine tasting. That is, he decided that chugging it would take too much time to create a buzz, so he somehow reasoned that it would be better to go in through the out door. This way of introducing alcohol into the bloodstream is faster and consequently more dangerous than sipping it the old fashioned way. He was in fact, brought into the hospital with a 0.40 blood alcohol limit, which is lethal in most cases.

There have been times in the past where I’ve wanted to get a little ‘loose,’ and I’ve partaken in the time-honored method of consuming shots of alcohol in various formats: Jell-o shots, body shots, flaming shots…but never have I thought of applying this technique through my rectum. Call me old fashioned, but I rather like the taste of most liquors, so it seems that bypassing the tongue while introducing it into the bloodstream is cheating me out of a great deal of pleasure.

I’m hoping that this is an isolated incident and that the trend doesn’t catch on, particularly with wine. Wine tastings could become very messy, and the rating categories would change dramatically. ‘Back taste’ would take on a whole other meaning and the serving temperature would have to be a major consideration. Some champagnes and sparkling wine would take your breath away upon introduction and certainly wouldn’t appeal to the ticklish.

I know I’m showing my age here, but shot-gunning a beer or pouring it through a funnel seemed a pretty quick way of creating a buzz when I was in college. Maybe I’m lame but getting drunk by pouring junk-in-your-trunk seems a bit extreme. Food and drink should be pleasurable, relaxed experiences shared amongst family and friends. I hate to hurry through a great steak or rush a lightly iced scotch, so the appeal of getting super blitzed in less time makes as much sense as wanting to get full after one bite.

A word of caution to all my back-door buzz seekers; the main technique used to create a great wine is the same one used to create a great time, and that is control.

Lose it, and it could bite you in the ass.

in Drinks / Personal / Rants & Raves / Trends 5 comments