I miss trick-or-treating. Don”t tell me you don”t. If so, then you hate all things good in the world. You hide in your house with the lights off as kids fashion their prized costumes anxiously awaiting a sweet treat. You people suck, and probably have no perspective on the meaning of “It”s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” You”re a Halloween scrooge. Poo poo on you.
For the rest of us, the Holiday is upon is. Get ready to scare the bajesis out of the kiddo”s, hoping to make one of them pee or crap their pants. Then, you win them back with a sweet treat and you”re suddenly known around the block for it. I”m hoping to scare some kids, and I”ll be honest—I”ve eyed up the candies that are anxiously awaiting Halloween in the house, and I”m psyched for left-overs.
Last year we brought you a list of the top 10 trick or treat candy fails, but the truth is, it actually gets a lot worse than Tootsie Rolls and Mounds (shudder!) Here are your top ten tricks that you shouldn”t be handing out this Halloween:
Yeah, I like my fair share of salty goodies—but not on Halloween. Just because the pretzels are shaped like bats and pumpkins doesn”t mean they are meant for Halloween. Especially not to give out. At a party? Sure. To give out at your doorstep? Hellz no.
Chips…Cheez-Its…doesn”t matter. Are they sweet? No. Do they leave a residue on your teeth that requires extra-long tooth brushing? No. So what”s the point? If kids want chips then they can go to the closet of their house. I”m willing to bet there isn”t a wide variety of candy to choose from. Only chips and cereal.
Yes, this actually happened to me. Need I say more?
7. Hard Candy
First off, these are the kinds of candies that were in my grandfather”s tin next to his chair along with Wurther”s and stale cookies. That is NOT what kids are expecting in their bags. Second, are YOU looking forward to leftovers after all the kids finish up? Or are you going to throw them all out too? Suck on that.
Not just any gum, but the rock hard, powder-coated bubble gum that lasts about 2 minutes. I”m sure all the kids are thinking “yum, that was worth the wait.” Or they are thinking, “what am I going to trade this for? Hard candy?” Anyone ever wonder why there is white powder covering the gum?
I don”t care what color or flavor the mints are – they shouldn”t be handed out on Halloween. Nobody”s excited about mints unless you are on your way out of a restaurant after an Italian meal. Do you ever have a craving for something sweet and think “I want a mint?”
4. Black Licorice
Unless you”re handing these out in a gated community for seniors (no offense), don”t bother. Gross.
Sure, apples are healthy. They are “nature”s candy.” But nobody wants a damn apple when they go trick-or-treating. They aren”t loaded with sugar, chocolate, or anything that sticks to your teeth. If it were a caramel apple lollipop, then that would be a different story.
2. Dollar Bill
You know how people are afraid that someone stuck needles in your kid”s candy, maybe poisoned it? Well I”m willing to bet the odds that this dollar bill has been between a stripper”s boobs or in her g-string are higher than the odds that you kid”s candy has needles in them. Someone”s goobery hands have been all over this piece of paper. Don”t subject kids to these horrors at such a young age…on Halloween, mind you!
1. Spare Change
Everybody needs pennies, right? Um…wrong. I”d even take one of those chocolate pennies over any kind of spare change that some creep picked up off the floor of his car because he forgot that kids were going to be knocking on his door all night. Getting spare change on Halloween is almost as upsetting as shaking an Easter Egg hoping for bills and hearing the clinging of dimes and nickles.
If you have any of these in your Halloween arsenal—you still have time. Get out there and do your neighborhood kids good. There”s plenty of chocolate and fruity goodness filled with sugar for all to enjoy. This is NOT an excuse to hide in your house from small children.