Katt Kasper - - Page 5

by Katt Kasper

A Question You Don't Want Answered

Now that we’re approaching the ‘holiday season’ (I consider it to start at Halloween), recreational drinking usually begins to rise. Being that I am a person who is passionate about alcohol, I always look forward to this time of year. But it’s because I view alcohol as a passion that I try to govern its consumption by not taking it for granted. I recently came off of a week of alcohol abstention, which is something that I do on a semi-regular basis in order to keep my liver healthy, as well as to make sure that drinking remains a pleasurable indulgence and not a dependence. The years of looking forward to the weekend party ‘buzz’ are behind me and I now consume alcohol simply for its taste, as well as its ability to enhance and compliment the flavors in food. I’ve learned the hard way about lapses in judgment due to not keeping my consumption in check, and I’m not going there again.

So, time for an ES PSA. Here’s a trick question for you: Do you know what your LD50 is?

by Katt Kasper

Point/Counterpoint: Manhattan vs. New England Clam Chowder

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of the Endless Simmer Editorial staff. The comments posted here are solely the opinions of the authors, no mater how lame or convoluted.

Devil Katt: I don’t know why we’re even debating this. It’s like Pros Verses Joes when it comes to which version is better, and that version is named after the island Manhattan. No ‘foo-foo’ cream sauces to cover up the taste of OUR clams. Milk and cream is supposed to be poured over cereal, not soup, you New England numbskulls! Save it for yer Fig Newtons, ya maple swillin’ wannabe’s! Nothin’s better than the natural, rich flavors of the broth, potatoes, tomatoes and BACON, combined with fresh clams, carrots, onion and celery. And by the way, you can’t make Manhattan clam chowder if you don’t have clams. But if you take the clams out of New England Clam Chowder, whaddaya got? Cream of Potato soup! If New England Clam Chowder was so good, they wouldn’t try to kill the taste by pouring crackers over the top of it. That glop is so gummy some places have to serve it in a bread bowl just to sell it! Fergetaboutit!

Angel Katt:

in Personal / Rants & Raves 2 comments

by Katt Kasper

What to Eat When Your Guy Loses

When it comes to widely advertised pugilistic battles, we’ve had the Thrill’a in Manila, the War at the Shore, and now the Mess in the U.S. There’s nothing like a good Presidential election to bring the country together, is there? So we might want to start thinking about which wine to pair with that huge plate of crow that slightly less than half of us will be eating the night we all cast our votes. I know, I know, the candidate that you’re backing is the right guy for the job, and it’s time to get the country back on its feet, and yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blahhhhhh.

Whatever.

Almost half of you will get it wrong so you’d better make those menus now before you’re served a big slice of ‘I Told You So’ cake. But what should it be? Nothing really tastes good when they tally up just how many idiots are allowed to vote in this country. And since we’ve all had to endure about two years worth of campaigning, we certainly don’t need anymore cheese. You might require something sweet to take that bitter taste out of your mouth. And of course, you’ll need a lot of liquor. (Buy it now before they tax the hell out of it.) Planning a ‘Loser Luncheon’ is hard because you can’t describe how you feel. It’s like a cross between ending a bad relationship, and attending a funeral. You’re kinda relieved, but then you’re kinda sad; you don’t want to hear anything from them for a while, but then you didn’t want to see them go away like that.

What makes it worse is that just across town they’re whooping it up and drinking champagne by the case, those smug bastards. Bartender! Another round of Jager shots for me and my second-place compadres! (Now I have TWO things to blame the bad taste in my mouth on.) Hot wings, pizza, tacos…nothing tastes good right now so just eat something that’s not gonna hurt when it comes back up. Tip your server, get a cab and call it a night. It’s gonna be a long four years so you might as well go home and start getting used to it, Mr. Runner Up.

For those of you who voted for the new guy and didn’t win; you probably need a good shot of caffeine now that all those tea bags didn’t work. Why don’t you have a big bowl of American made cereal with plenty of ONE PERCENT milk, you elitist idiots! Better stock up on caviar and lobster while you still can ‘cause I think your tax rate is about to go through the ceiling. Not sure where the country is headed? Don’t worry your pointy little head. Just follow the rest of us and turn LEFT!

For those of you who voted for the incumbent and didn’t win; some ice cream to go on top of that Humble Pie? No leftovers for you. You’d better eat something that you can finish in ONE TERM, you Big Government dopes! Oh, and I’d give up smoking if I were you ‘cause that health care plan that you were on is in for a little change. I think that your government subsidized meal ticket is about to be cut in half. You’ll just have to learn to be more CONSERVATIVE!

Either way it goes, a lot of us are going to lose our appetites. And since everything tastes like crap, it might be the perfect time to start that diet you’ve been talking about since college. But then again, why bother? We’re all going to hell in a hand basket – whatever that means. Just suck it up, shrug it off and come back with your head held high. And remember this; your candidate may not have won the election…….but at least you didn’t vote for that other guy.

in Politics 4 comments

by Katt Kasper

Rainy Day Meatballs

On a recent Saturday morning here in sunny southern California, I woke up fully expecting to go for a long run, when I look out the window and see a phenomenon that I rarely experience and always despise—RAIN! God, I hate the rain. I’ve got an underground lawn sprinkler system that is fed by the water we steal from Colorado, so why do I need rain? Now what do I do to fill my day? Guess I could cook something…but what would take all day to make and yet still be worth the effort? Hmmmm….wait, I’ve got it! Meatballs! What’s better on a rainy afternoon than spaghetti and meatballs? And considering that I’ve already had a bottle of wine and some crusty bread for breakfast, it makes perfect sense!

First I’ll make my usual large pot of tomato sauce and while it simmers for a few hours I’ll make a batch of my world-class meatballs. Being that I was raised on meatballs made by some chef named ‘Boy-ardee,’ I don’t have any warm childhood memories of great-tasting Italian dishes. I came from a Polish family and our version of spaghetti and meatballs was sauerkraut and sausage. So over the years I’ve tried many different versions and methods of making this dish, and this is the recipe that I’ve come up with. I don’t know what is considered a ‘classic’ version but this one never gets any complaints… except that I should have made more. Maybe it’s the medical marijuana talking but my friends seem to like it. I hope you do too. It just takes a while to put together so rent The Godfather 1 and 2 and open a couple bottles of good Chianti or <erlot. As they say in Italy, “Divertanosi”! (Look it up!)

Katt’s Rainy Day Meatballs

in Bacon / Cheese / Recipe / Red Meat 0 comments

by Katt Kasper

The Turducken of Meat: Meatloafenstein

Maybe it’s because of Halloween, or maybe it’s because of the alcohol, but whatever the reason, like my old buddy Dr. Frankenstein, I’VE CREATED A MONSTER! You might think me mad but it came to me while I was enjoying a bottle of scotch and wrestling with the concept of a ‘Turducken.’ You know, the bird stuffed inside a bird stuffed inside a bird. Although I could appreciate the premise, I’m not that much into eating fowl. But wait, I thought! What if I could take my favorite meats—chopped steak, veal, sausage, prosciutto and bacon— and combine them together in a similar fashion? What if I took a pork kielbasa, wrapped it in bacon, and stuffed that inside my favorite meatloaf? What if………

MMWOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! (That’s supposed to be crazy, maniacal laughter). Igor! Ready the kites! There’s a storm approaching and I’ve assembled the parts! Lock the doors! Shield your eyes! Throw the switch – NOWWWWWWW!!

Katt’s ‘Meatloafenstein Monster’ with Igor’s ‘Hell-Fire Hot Sauce’

in Bacon / Eggs / Featured / Personal / Recipe / Red Meat 4 comments

by Katt Kasper

Stewed Over Fall

Ahhh, fall. The crispness of the air as it begins to cool, the chill in your chest as you take that first brisk breath. The sting of the frost, the bite of the wind, the…the hell with that! This is exactly why I moved to L.A. Three-hundred-plus days of beach barbeques until the weather dips down into the 70s. Then of course, you’re forced to move inside. Ugh! I get goose bumps just thinking about it…

I grew up in the Midwest—northern Indiana to be exact—and I miss the cold Lake Michigan wind chill about as much as I miss acne. Ten-degree mornings and ice cold leather car seats? F that! If I can’t get a sunburn on Thanksgiving, I’m bummed! So pardon me Mr. Gore, while I release these fluorocarbons. Bring on the global warming, Woo Hoo!

But, we still like our fall food out here on the left coast, and when I feel it dip below the 80s, I like to bring out the soups and the chilies. So how about a little beef stew to get things crackin’? What I really like about the following recipe is how it magically changes from rank tasting to righteous during the long simmer. You’ll see. Try it and you won’t be disappointed.

Katt’s Bitchin’ Beef Stew

in Personal / Recipe / Red Meat 0 comments

by Katt Kasper

Night of the Living Dread

Question: What do vegetarian zombies eat? Answer: “GRAAAAINS”

I was chomping through my second pound of bacon last Sunday while tossing around some ideas for a horror screenplay that I am writing, and I thought to myself, ‘How sad would it be if after you turned into a zombie you were destined to roam the world consuming only plant-based foods?’ Now THAT would be something that I would dread! Can you imagine? Laying there late at night in your boarded-up home, listening to the zombies munching on your garden and fruit trees? Huge groups of them wiping out fields of young corn and alfalfa, slowly chewing through farm stands like mindless, two-legged cows. And the remaining unaffected humans arming themselves and making a desperate last stand in front of their wheat fields. “Come on you grain eating devils!” a farmer screams as he drives his tractor into a crowd of attacking vega-zombies. “You’ll never take my plants alive!!”

What? Treating vegetarians as spooky, hollow-eyed creatures that repulse and shock us with their unstoppable lust for organic, fresh plants and vegetables? Don’t we do that already? I could film a version of this movie every day if I wanted. I would just sit in the local Whole Foods parking lot around noon and yell, “Action!”

ATTACK OF THE VEGETARIANS

in Personal / Veggie 0 comments