Night of the Living Dread

Question: What do vegetarian zombies eat? Answer: “GRAAAAINS”

I was chomping through my second pound of bacon last Sunday while tossing around some ideas for a horror screenplay that I am writing, and I thought to myself, ‘How sad would it be if after you turned into a zombie you were destined to roam the world consuming only plant-based foods?’ Now THAT would be something that I would dread! Can you imagine? Laying there late at night in your boarded-up home, listening to the zombies munching on your garden and fruit trees? Huge groups of them wiping out fields of young corn and alfalfa, slowly chewing through farm stands like mindless, two-legged cows. And the remaining unaffected humans arming themselves and making a desperate last stand in front of their wheat fields. “Come on you grain eating devils!” a farmer screams as he drives his tractor into a crowd of attacking vega-zombies. “You’ll never take my plants alive!!”

What? Treating vegetarians as spooky, hollow-eyed creatures that repulse and shock us with their unstoppable lust for organic, fresh plants and vegetables? Don’t we do that already? I could film a version of this movie every day if I wanted. I would just sit in the local Whole Foods parking lot around noon and yell, “Action!”


SCENE 1: EXTERIOR- WHOLE FOODS PARKING LOT –A late model BMW pulls into a parking spot and stops quickly. The door opens and out emerges a slightly underweight, perfectly groomed middle-aged woman dressed in three thousand dollars worth of yoga apparel that has never touched a yoga mat. She mindlessly clicks the door lock on her key remote as she staggers toward the entrance, picking up speed with every step. Suddenly, all around her we see other high-dollar vehicles screeching into parking spaces. Doors opening, people emerging, alarm remotes beeping. Everyone staggering glassy-eyed toward the store, arms outstretched, eyebrows lowered in concentrated determination. Each in hurried anticipation of what awaits inside….

Oooh, I’m getting’ goose bumps just thinking about it! The horror, the horror! I don’t know if we could get this past the censors. You certainly couldn’t let your kids see it. Man, can you imagine? Creatures hell-bent on consuming locally grown, environmentally friendly fruits and vegetables, and then supplementing that with organic, wholesome grains and baked goods? Freshly-squeezed juices! Just-picked produce! Pesticide-free nuts and berries! How will we stop these pathetic fiends? Who will save us? Where’s the Baconator?!!!

Ok, look…I’ve done my share of vegan bashing in the past, but I’ve come to the realization that maybe what I really feared was that they were the real heroes, and it’s my lot that are the true freaks and monsters. Eating the flesh of domesticated animals and livestock? Pulling crustaceans out of the deep and boiling them to death? Gorging on fish, fowl, steaks and snails? Why do zombies seek to eat brains? Is it because it was the one thing that they lacked when they were humans? Could it be that I’M the real zombie?

Wow. Went straight from ‘horror’ into ‘fantasy.’ Guess I’ll grab a burger and watch the cute chicks go into Whole Foods. I think my screenplay could use a little work…

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