Katt Kasper - - Page 4

by Katt Kasper

I Shot a Vegetarian

Hey, c’mon. It was ONE vegetarian. It’s not like I clubbed a baby seal or anything. Geesh. And HE started it. And anyway, what’s a non-meat eating, hemp-wearing, bearded, nature dork doing participating in paintball anyway? And why would he challenge a proud carnivore? What was he thinking? And believe me; I took no pleasure in it. Really. No, REALLY……Ha! Who am I kidding? I dug the hell out of it!

So here’s what happened…some buddies asked me if I wanted to do a little paintball combat and I reluctantly agreed because these three numbskulls have a history of consuming way too much alcohol, and then wind up getting me seriously injured during the process. My previous participation with them has resulted in broken ribs, a snapped ACL, and waking up completely naked duct-taped to a tree. Why would I want to risk that again?… ‘cause those were the best times of my life! And what’s the sense of having medical insurance if you don’t take advantage of it once in a while?

We show up at this massive outdoor paintball park (late as usual), and we’re told that we can’t get out onto the field for a while because it’s so crowded. We figured that this might happen, so on the way we stopped off and got a sack full of burgers to eat while we wait. Plus we replaced our drinks with bourbon prior to coming in so we didn’t mind partaking in a little lunch before engaging in warfare. We go sit down in a crowd of guys waiting to get in and just as I take the first big bite of my burger I hear someone behind me say, “That’s disgusting!” I turn around and I’m staring at a skinny version of Zach Galifianakis who is looking back at me and sadly shaking his head. I give him a nod, squint my eyes and use my best Deniro; “You talkin’ to me?”

by Katt Kasper

Burns My Bacon: Quinoa, The Boss of Grains

Y’know what I’ve be eating a lot of lately? Quinoa. Y’know what tastes like mini packing pellets regardless of how it’s cooked or how much cheese you throw on top of it? QUINOA!

What the F? Why don’t I get it? Is it possible that over the last six weeks on the seven different occasions that I’ve eaten this crap that somehow I’ve been given bad examples of how it is supposed to be prepared? I’ve had it cold, hot and creamy, mixed in salads and served as side and main dishes, and each time I’m like, “Who really likes this shit?”

Why am I the only one who is out of the loop on this? This reminds me of when all my friends were way into Bruce Springsteen. I could never figure out what they were hearing that I couldn’t pick up in his music. I even recently went to a concert and I remember standing there looking around at everyone going apeshit over “Born in the USA”, and I kept thinking, “What is going on? There’s no chorus. It’s just the same flat tune repeated over and over with different words. Why don’t I get this?”

in Rants & Raves / Trends 8 comments

by Katt Kasper

Stuffed Shell Weekend

When the temperature drops there are a lot of people who enjoy preparing and eating soups, stews and chilis. Me, I go straight for the Italian dishes! Pasta in a good meat sauce topped with cheese is my cold weather comfort food. So when the weekend arrives I like to prepare meals that will provide me with multiple nights’ worth of dinner options, like my stuffed shells in a vodka cream sauce.

This will make enough extra sauce that you can either freeze it or use it later in the week over rigatoni or spaghetti. And these shells are so filling that you’d better invite some friends over to help you eat this; otherwise you’re going to have it as leftovers for a good week!

Katt’s Stuffed Shells in Vodka Cream Sauce

in Cheese / Personal / Recipe 0 comments

by Katt Kasper

I Do It For the Love

After spending countless hours here in the ES test kitchen, doing what I love (which is preparing and reviewing different recipes and cooking techniques), I’ve just made a shocking realization: I’m an amateur chef! I’m no longer just a dedicated Full-Time Foodie, but an honest-to-goodness, not-paid-for-his-hard-work-and-yes-I-made-that-from-scratch-but-no-I-didn’t-go-to-culinary-school—CHEF!

Traditionally, a chef is defined as a highly-skilled professional who cooks for a living, and who is proficient in all aspects of food preparation. Except for that ‘highly-skilled professional who cooks for a living’ part – THATS ME! I AM proficient in all aspects of food preparation—just like I’m proficient at all aspects of alcohol drinking! Proficient means ‘able,’ ‘competent’ or ‘skilled’ and I got some skillz, yo! Not only could I be considered an amateur chef, but also (get out your French dictionaries), an amateur sous-chef, a chef de cuisine, a chef de partie, a saucier and a grillardin! That’s right bitches, the French give me mad props!

A professional is a person who is paid to undertake a specialized set of tasks and to complete them for a fee. And y’know, not to brag or anything, but I have worked as a professional cook. You heard me—I was PAID for my mad skillz, and I was still in high school! I’ve held jobs as a professional fry cook (McDonalds), a professional grill cook (Burger King) as well as a professional pizza cook (Shakey’s) and a professional culinary chauffer (Domino’s), and I got the tax returns to prove it. I may not be getting paid to cook now but I attribute that more to my arrest record than my experience.

in Personal / Rants & Raves 2 comments

by Katt Kasper

Don’t Mess With the Classics!

I’m not Italian but I love Italian food. It’s satisfying, hearty and soothing…and it’s relatively simple to make. Some dishes are so simple in fact, that what separates a fantastic dish from a great dish is the quality of the ingredients more so than the cooking techniques. Take the classic Italian dish spaghetti carbonara; it’s spaghetti, pancetta (or guanciale), pecorino romano cheese, pepper and eggs. That’s it! The only real variation is whether or not you going to add garlic (which I always do). The best version of this dish is the one made with fresh pasta instead of boxed, and guanciale instead of pancetta. Guanciale is a cured pork cheek which carries a ton of great-tasting fat and, if it’s available to you, is a better choice than pancetta—although not by much. When I have a great piece of guanciale I don’t use any olive oil. I’ll do a slow, low-heat sauté of the meat, which will render its delicious fat without requiring the aid of the oil. Now that’s classic!

But if you look up this recipe on many of the food and cooking websites, you’ll get some whacky variations that totally destroy this dish. And most of them come from American cooks that try to ‘improve’ this classic by making it ‘healthier.’ Substituting wheat pasta, egg whites and ground turkey sausage may make it lower in fat content, but where do you think the taste comes from? And according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average life expectancy for us health-conscious Americans is 78.2 years. For native Italians? 81.7 years! Those wine-swilling, chain-smoking Italians would never THINK to use turkey sausage in this dish so why should you? You ever hear Mario Batali talk about his cholesterol level? Get real! If eating this classic is shaving a few years off my life, so be it! Just stop calling your turkey-and-wheat-pasta versions carbonara, ‘cause they’re NOT!

Katt’s Classic Spaghetti Carbonara

in Bacon / Cheese / Eggs / Personal / Recipe 0 comments

by Katt Kasper

An ‘Ordinary’ Test

I recently discovered that in terms of my own personal liquor tastes, I am a ‘connoisseur of the ordinary.’

When I walk into a bar, my personal liquor preference list is this: bourbon, scotch, rye, vodka, red wine, white wine, beer. And although I could drink bourbon with every meal, I traditionally pair certain foods with certain liquors. Red wines with steaks and Italian food, white wines with fish and chicken, rye or bourbon with sandwiches and burgers, and beer with pizza. Scotch I usually drink by itself, with a cigar or as a dessert.

But whatever the drink, when it comes to my liquors of choice, I’m not usually a top shelf kind’a guy. My taste palette favors blends over single barrel drinks. I can appreciate a good single-malt scotch or one-barrel whiskey, but I always revert back to my ‘everyman’ blends. It appears that my taste buds are about as sophisticated as reality TV. In the immortal words of Popeye, “I yam what I yam!” I’ve long ago given up trying to appease the upscale opinions of those who love looking down on us poor, working class stiffs—with our common-place tastes and our bargain basement choices. You can enjoy your French Champagne pinky-up with the rest of the guests, and I’ll have my shot and a beer with the bar staff and servers.

Recently, I decided to run a personal taste test, to see if I really do prefer cheap liquor over “the good stuff.”

in Drinks / Personal 3 comments

by Katt Kasper

A Winning Party: The ES Election Night Guide

OK… making sure that my emergency pack is all ready. Let’s see…there’s a flashlight, batteries, aspirin (gonna need those), vodka, bourbon, party poppers and a large crying towel. Oh, and 2-song CD—got the Bee Gees “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart” and Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” Alright! I’m set. Bring on Election Night!

In the wake of recent disasters I’ve been more proactive in regards to preparing for my survival against future mood-altering situations of a political nature. Too many times in the past I’ve been caught totally off guard, and I either didn’t have enough liquor or I forgot to pin my Bails Bond card inside my jacket. But this time I’ve got a new plan! I’m hosting the Election Night shindig at my place and I’m all prepared. Got the checklist right here—Portable storage pod? Check! Rental furniture? Check! My furniture and personal items outside in the pod? Check! Neighbors warned and bribed? Check! Everyone taking a cab to my house? Check! Food, booze and entertainment ordered? Check, check and double check!

Voting for the next leader of our country can be a painful thing to do when it’s this evenly divided. Half of us ain’t gonna like the outcome, which can kill the mood of a party real quick. That’s why THIS time I’ve got it all figured out:

in Personal / Politics 0 comments

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