Top 10 Food Terms That Sound Dirty But Aren’t

2320317033_217ac64dda

They’re just lemons…get your mind out of the gutter.

It’s no big secret that Endless Simmer is run by people with dirty, filthy minds.  Sure, we appreciate high-brow humor and witty satire, but we’re also more than happy to giggle our heads off at something crude and lewd.

Fortunately, we’re in the right business, because the world of food offers plenty of terms, phrases and techniques which — if you possess the sense of humor of a seventh grader like we do — can sound very, very dirty.   And so we’ve taken it upon ourselves to catalog the top ten food terms that sound dirty but actually aren’t.

10. Tossing Salad

An easy get.

9. Weinerschnitzel

Hehehehehe.  Weiner.

8. Lady Fingers

I bet she does!

7. Shucking

I take personal pride in my ability to shuck.  All it takes is a little coaxing and I can get it to open up in no time.  I’m talking about oysters…what were you thinking?

6. Frosting a Cake

The application of any sugar- or dairy-based substance to a baked good is inherently dirty.  For more evidence of this, see #5.

Next: Top 5 Food Terms That Sound Dirty But Aren’t

Open Thread: Name Ben & Jerry’s Library-Themed Flavor

581841045_5588319f9b

As you know by now, we make it our mission here at Endless Simmer to keep you readers up-to-date on the world of food puns, from the brilliant to the awful. In this week’s food pun-off alert, Slashfood points us in the direction of the Facebook group People for a library-themed Ben & Jerry’s flavor, which has a surprising 4,000+ members.

I’m not yet clear why a library-themed ice cream flavor is deemed so necessary (although I could get behind a movement to allow eating ice cream in libraries – stop the oppression!) Anyway, they’re doing a pretty good job in the name-creation department, with my favorites so far being

– The Gooey Decimal System

– Shh-Shh-Shh-Sherbert

– Look it up! (flavored with vaccinium corymbosum berries.)

Although I can’t believe no one’s mentioned Bookies & Cream or Read It and Eat.

Can you do better?

(Photo: Jetta Girl~)

What Would You Do for a Klondike Bar? (On an Airplane)

bread

Ever since some asshole tried to blow up a plane with liquid explosives, the TSA has really limited the items that innocent, hungry travelers are allowed to take into the airport and thus, onto the plane. Most infrequent travelers don’t realize that these restrictions are mostly on liquids, and that you can take meals from home with you, even if it is a pain in the ass. Eating airport food is easier and acceptable if you travel from an airport with decent food choices, but if you’re doing this twice a month, it gets tiring. As a result of this bullshit necessary policy and the subpar quality of most airport food, I’ve come up with some creative ways to package my food for travel, and some ways which I’ve figured out will get you strip searched immediately.

DO:

-Wrap all food in cling wrap and put it in throw away plastic containers. It’s easiest if the security folks can tell what it is right away.

-Package in small portions for the easiest consumption (I break up my travel-safe banana bread into 6 smaller pieces).

-Leave the condiments on the side, if you can. Nobody likes a soggy sandwich (who knows how long you’ll wait at security?), Mayo or ketchup packets do fit into your pockets, or the 1-quart size bag you are allotted for liquids, and won’t set off a metal detector.

DON’T:

Read More

All By Myself

Bowl o' peaches

As most of you know by now, I have been taking some family recipes, making sense out of them, cooking, baking and blogging the results. My grandmother, the keeper of the recipes, is away in the Poconos for the summer. She called me recently to request her recipes back so she could make “that peach shit.” She explained that she could wait on the other recipes but the peach shit is seasonal.  Also, ML’s post asking what do with summer fruit reminded me of my grandmother’s solution to the fruit problem. She’s not the biggest fan unless sugar and butter are involved. All this inspired me to make the peach shit as well. Even more noteworthy, I decided to try my hand at making something by myself without my grandmother or mother there to boss and ridicule help me.

The name of the dish comes from my grandfather who was jonesing for it on a lazy summer day. He asked my grandmother, “So when are you going to make it?” “Make what?” “You know, that peach shit.” I think he thought asking for a peach crumble sounded a little lame. That or he just had no idea what it was called. Either way the name stuck. Peach shit is indeed a peach crumble which is possibly the easiest thing in the world to bake. That said, I, working alone, could almost turn it into a Friday fuck-up. The only thing that redeemed it is that it’s really hard to make peaches, sugar, and butter turn out badly.  So what follows is kind of a what to do and what not to do to make some perfectly respectable peach shit.

Read More

Best Food iPhone Apps

iphone

The first thing all of my friends would tell you about me is that I’m pseudo-addicted to my iPhone. My better half refers to the gadget as my other boyfriend; in which order he and the device are placed I am yet to figure out. Whether I’m checking my email, tweeting or reading the news, I will always find a reason to play with it.

But one of the more surprising and perhaps most purposeful tools I have found for my iPhone is its usefulness in the kitchen and in the grocery store. There are an unbelievable array of food-related apps on the market, enabling me to plan dinner, make restaurant reservations, research menus for my diet-conscious friends, create a grocery list and even expand my enviro-conscious.

Having downloaded and deleted many, many applications, I thought I would share my favorites so you don’t have to waste your bandwidth. Check out the best after the jump.

Read More

A Solution for the Crust-Fearing

Bittman's lattice bake

I love baking pies, but I can’t tell you the amount of times that a pie crust has torn, fallen apart, or landed awkwardly into my pie plate, and I know it’s one of those uncomfortable predicaments for most home bakers. Am I right or what?

Fortunately, one of my favorite food writers, Mark Bittman, recently posted a recipe in the New York Times for his “Stone Fruit Patchwork Bake,” his cobbler-like solution to the finicky crust of many pies, and the difficulty of moving  crust from the counter surface to the pie plate. Usually wrapping it in the rolling pin and transferring it that way works for me, but for those of us who are so crust-averse that they won’t even make a crust at all, Bittman suggests cutting the crust into small squares or rectangles and just overlapping them, instead of worrying about the whole transfer-in-one-piece process. And, by calling it a cobbler instead of a pie, you avoid the whole bottom crust altogether, increasing the fruity-goodness of each spoonful. Genius! Ahhh, Mark Bittman just makes it sound so easy. Check out Bittman’s inexplicably gangsta-tinged video instructions here.

So, what do you piemakers think? A brilliant solution to an age-old dilemma, or just semi-cheating? And to the crust-averse, will Bittman’s suggestion get those of you who don’t like handling pie crusts to give it another go?

(Photo: NYT)

Perfect Pattypans

chickpea-pesto

Hey ESers, did you miss me? I missed you!  I’m afraid I’ve been gallivanting about for about a month and I have severely neglected ES in the meantime (and cooking in general).  I’ve been back for a week, and I must admit that my brain is a bit rusty and my cooking thus far has been less than inspired.  Does that ever happen to you all after a long time away from your kitchen?

I mean I was missing my kitchen the entire time I was gone, but my cooking muses seem to have expired during my brief journey, leaving me with only enough energy to cook a few stir-fries and throw together some salads.  Ugh….  Cookers’ block.

However, lucky readers, before I left for travels, I was struck by no such affliction.  In fact, just before I left I hosted a dinner party for which I pulled out all the stops. With my favorite summer ingredient at the ready  I made my most delicious  and complex pattypan dish yet:  Chickpea and Pesto Stuffed Pattypans:

stuffed pattypan with chickpeas topped with pesto

Read More
« Previous