Alcohol Makes You More Beautiful

Have you ever woken up in the morning to a glass of red wine that just needs finishing? Did you feel too much like an alcoholic to drink it? (I’ve never experienced either of these.) Or, have you woken up on a Sunday, too terribly hungover to even think about consuming alcohol, but have separation anxiety from being unable to spend time with your best friend? I have, and I know you know the feeling. Luckily, the folks over at Buzzfeed found a solution for us: 7 DIY Beauty Treatments Made With Booze.

Although my mother always tells me alcohol does not make me attractive, I beg to differ. Margarita body scrub sure does put a new spin on shower drinking.

pic: humortrain.com

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Endless Road Trip Germany: Kölsch

I think when most people (or at least the people I know) think about German bier, they think of huge, liter=sized bier steins being slung by less-than-covered blonde women. I’m here to blow your mind.

I recently visited Cologne (or Köln), where Kölsch is the local (and pretty much only) beer in the city. Kölsch is also the only beer that may not be brewed outside the Cologne region, as determined by the Kölsch convention of 1985. About ten breweries in Germany produce beer in Kölsch style, but do not call it Kölsch because they are not member of the Kölsch convention (what’s is called then? I don’t know). Serious shit, right? The beauty of (or problem with) Kölsch is that it goes down like water; it somehow never makes you full, and you can easily consume 5 (or 15) after a German meal.

The taste, however, is not why I love Kölsch (To me, it most closely resembled Bud Lite. Sorry, every German I’ve just offended.) Anyone who has been to Oktoberfest (or one of these American biergarten wannabes) knows that the second half of any liter is consumed slightly cold at best. Instead, Kölsch is supposed to always be served cold; therefore it is presented in dainty, 1/5-liter (about 6.76-oz.) glasses, so it’s easily consumed before it gets even slightly warm. You’d think this would be a problem considering the server would have to bring these around quickly; no fear, the Germans have that figured out too:

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The Last Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

What you’d eat for your last meal is always a hot topic. There have been multiple books about it, on topics from what chefs would eat for their last meals to a kitchen cook who prepared a plethora of death row meals. We’ve even done our Last Supper: ES Staff Picks.

But a slightly different question was posed to me (on a first date, where else?) Assuming you’re on death row, what would you eat during your last day? Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

When Timothy McVeigh was executed in 2001, his last meal was two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream. As a 13-year-old, that sounded pretty good, and I commended him on his choice. Since then, my palate has become more refined (and luckily, away from that of a serial killer) and I moved onto a plate of french cheese, a baguette and coffee. But this three meals question was baffling and mind blowing to me. How could I choose three meals? Three whole meals? To set up some parameters, I posed the following questions to my date:

1) Could I be anywhere I want eating these meals? Yes.

2) What is my prison diet like? What did I eat the day before? Whatever you want. You realize this is a fantasy, right? You can control everything.

3) So then technically I could eat whatever I want for my last meal every day, if I’m choosing my diet? Why are you thinking so much abut this?

4) Could I eat these meals with company? No, since you’re in prison.

5) Can I pick the season in which I’m executed? You’re really asking for a lot of conditions. Sure, you can pick the time of year.

I tentatively decided that my last day would start out with a cheese plate and coffee, but I couldn’t decide on the rest of the meals. As I pretended to listen to my date, I was actually going over it in my head: what would I eat? But I soon realized that most of my choices depended on who I was with and where I was, not the food itself. I quickly changed my answer:

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Endless Road Trip Germany: Capri-Sonne, Anyone?

Not soon after I made a joke about not being able to funnel vodka into a Capri Sun, I found myself in Cologne, Germany at BackWerk (which I was disappointed to find out  means “bake and take”)  looking at all the drink options to accompany my sandwich. I spotted a Capri-Sonne with the words “cola mix” and a photo of a a sea of soda with a lemon raft. LEMON SODA CAPRI SUN? Sign me the fuck up.

As I sat on our American flag blanket and consumed what I thought would be a delicious treat, I realized that, unfortunately, the words I neglected were “koffeinfrei” and “ohne kohlensäure.” Caffeine free. Without carbonation. We can probably all agree that Germans are strange, but why why WHY would anyone want to drink COMPLETELY flat lemony soda, out of a foil packet, that won’t even increase alertness? This wouldn’t fly in America (how many times have you heard someone at a restaurant/bar complain about the level of carbonation in their drink?) but as I thought about it more, I realized the Germans are on to something.

Cola Mix Capri Sonne and Rum? A portable, low sugar cocktail with no artificial flavors, artificial sweeteners or preservatives that won’t fill you up or keep you up at night but WILL get you drunk? Like I needed another way to consume alcohol in Germany.

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Burns My Bacon: Religion in My Food

Sure, if I’m going to The Bread of Life restaurant in middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania, I might expect all of the menu items to be named after Biblical characters (the food is still strikingly good). If I go to Chick-fil-A I know I’m supporting a Christian company (Sorry, I really like those chicken nuggets)

But I don’t like religious propaganda when I’m not asking for it. I don’t want to open my eggs I bought at the grocery store to find scripture. Maybe it’s my fault for buying 89-cent a dozen eggs. But doesn’t the scripture quoted on my factory-farmed eggs come from the same book that tells us to treat our animals well? What is the point? Do they really think, as I make scrambled eggs, hungover as hell on a Saturday morning, that I will see this message and suddenly be enlightened? How many people say they found god inside of their egg carton?

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To Punch Top or to Shotgun? That is the Question

Step 1: Cut a hole in the box. Or the can…which is apparently Miller’s genius idea of improving their beer and bringing it to the next level. Which ML and I decided to test out at one of her summer extravaganzas. The [presumed] thinking in the logic behind a “punch top” can is to increase the flow. The tagline: “smoother pour with less glug.” That’s great, but how does it match up to the “smooth pour” of shotgunning a beer?

Well, as consumer reporters, we’re here to tell you.

*A baseline was taken before the comparison to ensure integrity of the following study. Procedures including a large amount of beer to the point of buzzed and/or drunkenness. The drinking consisted of only using the typical can of beer.

First test: the punch top

ML: It poured out so quickly and uncontrollably that I got beer all over myself and started choking. Fail.

Snebbu: I’m going to be honest here…ML’s uncontrollable spillage and choking could be more attributed to her drunkenness than the punch top. However, I will say the punch top gave a bit more of a smooth pour than a typical can of piss. I mean…Light Beer.

Second test: the shotgun

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Cooking Tips from an ES Parent

My parents and I always celebrate my birthday in non-traditional ways, which usually ends up in overeating, leftovers for days, and hangovers. Since my birthday is in late August, it’s always the perfect time for crabs. This year, given that the price of lobster has dropped dramatically ($4.99/lb at our local market!) I suggested a seafood extravaganza. The mistake, or maybe point of brilliance, was when I texted Russell:

“My dad backed me into a corner in the kitchen and shoved a live crab in my face and it almost bit me”

“Why wasn’t mom taking photos, can you do it again? (I’ve never seen a live crab/lobster being dunked)”

My father, having both a deep-seated family history in “show business” and an obsession with Russ’s twitter, sprung into action and suddenly we were making videos to show the Brit how to kill crustaceans.

If you’re interested in learning how to make the best shrimp, want to see what happens when two generations of drunk people try to steam lobsters, or are curious about how to properly name your crustaceans, head on over to my YouTube channel to check out Sonny himself.

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