Wanted: Delicious Ways to Become Intoxicated

Popsicles 2 (500 x 332)

Popsicles! BS totally stole my glory when he asked how everyone consumed their east or west coast strawberries. I didn’t divulge my new favorite summer treat at that point.  But here it is. Popsicles.

I have a feeling popsicles will make me a very happy person, solving any of my problems.

1. Right now my problem, which isn’t really a problem at all, is too many berries. I buy a quart. Eat a handful as soon as they’re purchased and then pluck one or two from the fridge at a time. After a few days they start to shrivel and I throw them in the freezer without a real game plan.

2. Another problem is finding new and exciting ways to consume alcohol. After more than a decade and a half of drinking, I’m always game for inventive and delicious ways to become intoxicated. Wow, we’re really on a drinking kick this week.

3. I like dessert. I hate making dessert. Popsicles are an easy, no bake dessert. Sweet.

I kicked off my popsicle adventures buying molds at Target. And from there…a few hours later…deliciousness…

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The Drunken Mousse

photo-41

There are some traditions that are mandatory. That everyone in the world follows. Or at least those believing similarly. For Jews, many traditions revolve around food.  Matzah ball soup for holidays. Binge eating (and then no eating and then binge eating again) on Yom Kippur. Bagels and smoked fish for funerals. But some traditions are just for the family.

I have no idea why my oma always made chocolate mousse for the High Holidays. I only knew how much I loved it. The rich chocolate. The boozy aftertaste. The dollop of whip cream I just watched her whisk into airy submission prior to eating.

I haven’t had this treat for five years now. I’ve eaten other mousses, but they weren’t as dense. They weren’t as intensely flavored. And while I’m still waiting for my uncle to send me her recipe, I’ve figured out my own. And it tastes just like hers. And it fucking rocks.

Eat this the night before you starve all day during Yom Kippur. You’ll be satisfied til you can eat again.

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Cupcake Rampage: Aztec Xocolatl Cupcakes

aztec
¡Ai ya! ¡Las magdalenas del monstruo están sobrando la ciudad!

I have a problem with chocolate. Not an addiction kind of problem, it’s more like the complex gauntlet of feelings a married couple goes through leading up to a separation or estrangement. My problem isn’t with chocolate per se, but rather the lofty pedestal it’s been placed upon as food of the gods. The appeal of chocolate has become so pervasive and universal as to make it ubiquitously available, which has invariably led to a massive spectrum of quality, the majority of which have been dulled and flattened to appease the less sophisticated Western palate. Most commercially available chocolate shares the same stigma as boxed macaroni and cheese; so many people are used to the low balled version that the “real thing” would taste almost alien to them.

Now, I’m not trying to be a snot-nosed foodie and say that you haven’t tried real chocolate until you’ve tasted a raw cacao bean or anything, but I’m also of the mind that the more often chocolate is utilized or abused in products, the less special it becomes. This is why I don’t bake with chocolate very often, not because I don’t like it, but because it’s such a mysterious, multidimensional, powerful ingredient that I want to make sure I use its magic properly.

Then again, the ancient Aztecs didn’t quite think that way when it came to their version of hot chocolate. Before that asshole Cortez came along and wrecked everything, they were known to guzzle gallons of what they called xocolatl, (pronounced “HOCK-a-lottle”) and since they didn’t know from sugar, they tempered its natural astringency with hot peppers and other spices. The recipe that follows isn’t an attempt to recreate that brew with any degree of authenticity, but rather an experiment to see what other kinds of personality traits can be brought out of something that usually tastes the same every time you eat it, like chocolate.

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Cupcake Rampage: Gluten-Free Chocolate Mint Cupcakes

gf mint
a. k. a. Bunraku cupcakes. Get it? Of course you do.

I know several people who have the bad luck to suffer from celiac disease, a disorder of the autoimmune system that manifests itself as varying degrees of wheat intolerance. The impact of this affliction is that they can’t enjoy a lot of the foods that some of us might take for granted; breads, beer, cupcakes, etc.

Vegans and celiacs are like kindred spirits in this sense; we take forever to shop because we inspect every ingredient list in the grocery store aisles, we don’t make any friends at restaurants when we viciously interrogate hapless servers, and we both suffer when we screw up, albeit in different ways. For most vegans, the lifestyle is a conscious choice; celiacs don’t really have a say in the way their bodies behave.

Baking gluten-free isn’t as difficult as it’s been made out to be, although it does require a few extra ingredients and involves an additional step or two. Most gluten-free recipes will call for the use of two or three different kinds of gluten-free flours. The reason for this is that while wheat flour is, for the most part, bland and flat; flours made from other grains and seeds each have their own distinctive flavors and textures that can easily overwhelm and throw off the final result. A good example is corn flour, which has a very identifiable taste and works great for corn muffins or tortillas, but not so much if you’re trying to utilize other flavors, like chocolate.

Recipe after the jump.

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Feed Us Back: Comments of the Week

jared

– Have you entered the ES/Food Network grilling challenge yet? What are you waiting for? Get your crazy grill tales in now and win a sweet summer grill set.

– Most ESers agree — the President should pardon spicy mustard-lovers. Westcoast: I love mustard. All types, shades, countries of origin — I love it. This Hannity thing is almost as dumb as saying that the reason your titties are all over the Internet is because it was windy and the photos were taken in between the shots you knew were happening.

But Harmony is unconvinced: Dijon or neon yellow, neither do it for me really. I like the hearty, thick brown mustards that have lots of spices.

And NeeNe knows what’s really important:  Subway gives you the option of either yellow or spicy mustard. WWJD? What would Jared do?

As long as we’re OD-ing on mustard, over at Macheesmo, Nick (of homemade ketchup fame) is now making his own homemade mustard. Now that’s patriotic.

– Finally, a huge thank you to all ya’ll who came through big-time to help out with my vegetarian cooking dilemma. After the jump, check out what I ended up making:

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