While the rest of you were obsessing over your brackets, Endless Simmer has been evaluating OUR favorite part of college: the food. Yep, we’re talking about that greasy, cheesy, meaty, bacon-y, over-the-top late-night goodness that can only be found in one place: college.
After much exhaustive research, and with March Madness just about to tip off, we’re ready to present our second annual list of all 68 NCAA tournament teams, ranked by their best drunk college food.
68. Montana: Hoagieville Cheese Fries
This esteemed establishment claims to have invented the idea of putting “taco cheese” on top of French fries. And yes, they are proud of that.
Hoagieville; Missoula, Montana (Photo: Hoagieville)
67. St. Mary’s: Chili Cheeseburger and Chili Fries
It’s like the drunk college version of Portlandia. How do you save a subpar burger? Put some chili cheese on it. How do you save some mediocre fries? Put some chili cheese on it.
66. Kentucky: MegaHo Burger
This triple-decker burger comes complete with gravy, cheese, jalapenos, mushrooms, bacon, tomato, pickle and lettuce. Only ranked so low because we have not confirmed that you can eat this and still walk out the door alive.
Tolly-Ho; Lexington, Kentucky (Photo: Tolly-Ho)
65. St. Louis University: The Slinger
A St. Louis tradition that is widely available at 24-hours establishments, although we find it hard to stomach that anyone would eat this before 3am: two fried eggs, a hamburger, a mound of hash browns, a sea of chili and a handful of cheese.
64. Creighton: Mexi Munchers
A place in Omaha, Nebraska called California Tacos serves a dish called Mexi Munchers that has absolutely nothing to do with Mexico or California. However, it is essentially tater tots filled with cheese, so no argument here.
63. Lamar University: Uncle Charlie Burger
When you’re drunk, it’s imperative that normally separate food items — like burgers and onion rings — be accessible to eat in one bite, as seen here with bacon, cheese and BBQ sauce as well.
62. Vermont: Rise and Shiner
When you absolutely have to eat your breakfast, on a sandwich, before going to bed: eggs, cheese, sausage, hash browns, and — if you’re brave, steak — all on one roll.
61. North Carolina: Chicken Cheddar Biscuit
Two fluffy biscuits, one crispy wedge of fried chicken, one helluva lot of gooey cheese. Completely acceptable for either a drunk dinner or a drunk breakfast.
60. Wichita State: Burn Baby Burn
A burger so stacked, they had to open it up and let it explode. Toasted jalapeno bread topped with a beef patty, served open-faced and slathered in chili, queso and jalapenos.
59. Virginia: Gus Burger
The perfect union of hot beef, runny egg and melty cheese.
58. BYU: Graham Canyon Ice Cream
Ice cream with swirls of graham crackers and chocolate covered toffee bits. About as crazy as Provo, Utah gets.
57. Murray State: Loaded Potato Chips
Why in the world haven’t more people thought to make nachos with potato chips?
Mugsy’s Hideout; Murray, Kentucky (Photo: Mugsy’s)
56. Ohio: O’Betty’s Red Hot
Late-night hot dogs with cracked out toppings like bacon bits, sauerkraut, horseradish sauce and 1000 island dressing.
Obetty’s Red Hot; Athens, Ohio (Photo: O’Betty’s)
55. Long Beach State: Holé Molé Potato Tacos
No one has ever gone broke by wrapping carbs on carbs and selling them near a college campus for 50 cents a pop.
54. Loyola, MD: Stokos Overstuffed Subs
Sometime after senior year, most people start to find it unacceptable to order sandwiches that are served behind bulletproof glass. Until then, it seems genius.
Stokos; Baltimore, MD (Photo: Stokos)
53. Baylor: The Big Randy
1.5 pounds of meat on one bun? Only in Texas. This is not a joke/challenge, but an actual menu item. Three half-pound patties, with American cheese, onions, jalapenos, lettuce, tomato and pickles all the way through.
Salty Dog Sports Bar; Waco, Texas (Photo: Salty Dog)
52. Western Kentucky: Lost River Pizza
A deep-dish pizza that’s just about deep enough to dive into.
51. Mississippi Valley State: Juswondog
Take one foot-long sausage. Cover in shredded cabbage, mustard, “special sauce” and cheese until you can no longer see said sausage. Consume. Most likely, repeat.
50. Indiana: Pizza Sandwich
Gotta love how the menu at this Hoosier hangout refers to this dish as a “traditional stromboli” — as if anyone in Sicily has ever chowed down on two giant pieces of white bread stuffed with pounds of ground sausage, mozzarella cheese, onions and “pizza sauce.”
49. Colorado: The Sink Burger
A hamburger where you can barely see the beef below bacon strips, cheddar cheese, peppers, BBQ sauce and a mound of crispy fried onion rings.
48. Davidson: Extreme Fuel Pizza
Pepperoni, Italian sausage, meatballs, ham and ground beef…oh, and pizza.
Fuel Pizza; Davidson, North Carolina (Photo: Fuel Pizza)
47. Harvard: Falafel Corner Super Combo
Only at the Iviest of Ivies could the 2:30am drunk food of choice involve multiple items made from ground chickpeas. But it comes in a Styrofoam container and it is piled sky-high, so it counts.
46. Virginia Commonwealth University: Senior Bobble
A quesadilla kicked up a good few notches, with ground beef, peppers and crushed tortilla chips inside.
BoDillaz; Richmond, Virginia (Photo: BoDillaz)
45. Florida State: The Gut Box
While Guthrie’s Chicken’s famous Gut Box originated in Alabama, copious Internet research indicates that the most gut boxes by far have been consumed after midnight in Tallahassee, Florida.
44. St. Bonaventure: Fat Head’s Quad Burger
A bacon cheeseburger, times four, with cajun waffle fries on the side
43. Southern Mississippi: Quesadilla Rolls
A Monterrey Jack and mesquite chicken quesadilla…rolled up and deep-fried until golden. Yes.
42. University of South Florida: Memphis Mary
The only thing better than BBQ is BBQ that is open until 3am. Jumbo pulled pork sandwich slathered in slaw and sauce.
Ribit’s Bar-B-Que; Tampa, Florida (Photo: Ribit’s)
41. Kansas State: Tijuana Trainwreck
Basically every Mexican and Mexican-ish ingredient — tortilla, chicken, salsa, chili, black beans, corn, cheese and sour cream, etc — all cooked together in one bowl, and served, for some reason,with a salad.
40. Georgetown: Jumbo Slice
The absolute definition of drunk food, D.C.’s 1,300-calorie hot mess of pepperoni, cheese and oil is irresistible after 2 a.m., but has perhaps never been consumed by a sober person.
39. South Dakota State: Nick’s Hamburgers
What happens when you put an old-timey shop selling $1.48 burgers within stumbling distance of a college campus? What do you think happens? Drunk frat boys eat 10 of them.
38. New Mexico: Western Style Hash Browns
A hash that would make Waffle House blush—covered in green chilies and smothered in cheese; served with tortillas, just in case there weren’t enough carbs.
36 & 37. Cincinnati / Xavier: Skyline Coney Dogs
There are hot dogs hidden somewhere under all that cheese.
35. Louisville: Papalinos Pizza
Along the same lines, the pizza lying somewhere underneath those toppings is supposedly quite tasty.