March Madness 2012: America’s Best Drunk College Food

While the rest of you were obsessing over your brackets, Endless Simmer has been evaluating OUR favorite part of college: the food. Yep, we’re talking about that greasy, cheesy, meaty, bacon-y, over-the-top late-night goodness that can only be found in one place: college.

After much exhaustive research, and with March Madness just about to tip off, we’re ready to present our second annual list of all 68 NCAA tournament teams, ranked by their best drunk college food.

68. Montana: Hoagieville Cheese Fries

This esteemed establishment claims to have invented the idea of putting “taco cheese” on top of French fries. And yes, they are proud of that.

Hoagieville; Missoula, Montana (Photo: Hoagieville)

67. St. Mary’s: Chili Cheeseburger and Chili Fries

It’s like the drunk college version of Portlandia. How do you save a subpar burger? Put some chili cheese on it. How do you save some mediocre fries? Put some chili cheese on it.

Nation’s Giant; Moraga, California (Photo: Michelle N.)

66. Kentucky: MegaHo Burger

This triple-decker burger comes complete with gravy, cheese, jalapenos, mushrooms, bacon, tomato, pickle and lettuce. Only ranked so low because we have not confirmed that you can eat this and still walk out the door alive.

Tolly-Ho; Lexington, Kentucky (Photo: Tolly-Ho)

65. St. Louis University: The Slinger

A St. Louis tradition that is widely available at 24-hours establishments, although we find it hard to stomach that anyone would eat this before 3am: two fried eggs, a hamburger, a mound of hash browns, a sea of chili and a handful of cheese.

Courtesy Diner; St. Louis, Missouri (Photo: Zack Minarick)

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Top 10 Things I Ate in College That I’ll Never Eat Again

I don’t consider myself a gourmet chef or anything, but I can make some pretty delicious magic happen in the kitchen now and then. I will admit that in the four years I spent away at college, I made some pretty questionable food choices. Often. And not just when I was inebriated, although I will admit that three flaming Dr. Peppers and a few Malibu and pineapples (and possibly a shot of Aftershock from an ice block luge) will lead to some horrifying 2am take-out orders. So this list isn’t comprehensive by a long shot — but I can guaran-freakin-tee you that I won’t be eating any of these things any time soon. Meaning ever, ever again.

10. Bread in a Can

Okay, maybe this one isn’t that bad. I mean, it’s not like I was eating the plain variety, because that would just be gross — I only ate the raisin. With cream cheese. But it’s bread — in a can. The ingredients themselves aren’t that heinous, but the idea of canning bread just seems, kind of, wrong? Okay so maybe I’d eat this one again. After a bottle of Strawberry Hill  (like anyone drank that after 12th grade, pshaw).

9.  Spray Butter

The label is misleading — show me one person who actually has a hard time believing this isn’t butter. But you’ve got to make choices in life. If you want to avoid gaining the dreaded “freshman 15,” you can either make healthy choices and eat real food, or go with hydrogenated spray oil masquerading as butter to save some calories. Or cut out the alcohol and eat actual butter. Either way. This is best when sprayed on some Light Wonder Bread with a slice of  Kraft Singles Fat-Free American “cheese” and then nuked in the microwave for 10 seconds to make a lovely “light grilled cheese sandwich.”

 8. Congealed Nachos



Fast food nachos are all fine and well, I’m not saying I’d never eat them again (because I totally would). I’d just never eat them 3 days after their inception, cold and congealed in a Styrofoam container dug out of the back of the fridge. Because money’s tight. Meaning you’re out of cash and the credit card machine at the pizza joint is down so you can’t use mom’s Visa. My nachos of choice were from Freebirds (no BBQ sauce!), so they definitely qualified as delicious before their demise. An empty jar of leftover pickle juice makes a great complimentary beverage here. (photo by Newbirth35)

7. Copiously Frosted Fast Food Desserts (Choose Your Poison)

Cinnabon® rolls, Dunkin’ Donuts fritters, Winchell’s donuts – choose your poison. Sometimes a tooth-achingly sweet, gooey confection is in order — when you’re downing 3 cups of coffee an hour to pull an all-nighter studying, you just need the sugar rush. And the trans-fat. My artery-clogger of choice was Woodstock’s Cinnabread – basically a cinnamon roll on pizza dough, slathered in frosting and served with an additional cup of frosting to dip into. This doesn’t fall into the “That’s so gross I can’t believe I ate that” category, more in the “How did I eat that regularly and not have a coronary?” category. Because this 18-year-old wasn’t too familiar with the term “moderation.” (photo by hullam)

6. Frozen Broccoli in Canned Cheese Soup

This was a favorite during my “vegetarian” period – a bag of frozen broccoli, nuked in the microwave, topped with a can of Campbell’s Cheddar Cheese Soup. And yes, the ingredients in this one are terrifying. Commonly consumed with a can of Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper.

The Top 5: Ice cream, tacos, and a truly sinful serving of Mac and Cheese

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America’s Best Drunk College Food

It’s that very special time of year when all of America’s college students put aside their textbooks to focus on a more pressing pursuit: who is best at putting a ball through a hoop. But at Endless Simmer we’re more interested in what they’re doing after the game. So instead of spending all week filling out some silly brackets, we decided to rank all 68 NCAA tournament teams by what really is the best part of college: the greasy, cheesy, meaty, ridiculously over-the-top local foods that you would ever only consider eating if you were in college, celebrating a win, and…well, drunk as hell.

68. Virginia Commonwealth University: Senior Bobble

A quesadilla kicked up a good few notches, with ground beef, peppers and crushed tortilla chips inside.

BoDillaz; Richmond, Virginia (Photo: BoDillaz)

67. Kentucky: MegaHo Burger

This triple-decker burger can come complete with gravy, cheese, jalapenos, mushrooms, bacon, tomato, pickle and lettuce — don’t forget the cheese-filled tater tots on the side. Only ranked so low because we have not confirmed that you can eat this and still walk out the door alive.

Tolly-Ho; Lexington, Kentucky (Photo: Tolly-Ho)

66. UC-Santa Barbara: BBQ Sauce Nachos

It’s unclear why so few other establishments have thought to combine juicy chicken or carne asads nachos with sticky BBQ sauce.

Freebirds World Burrito; Isla Vista, California (Photo: Tuan T)

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March Food Madness: All 68 NCAA Tournament Teams Ranked by Their Best Drunk College Food: Part 2

Read Part 1 of the List

35. Notre Dame: Four Horsemen Basket

Ribs, chicken strips, mozzarella sticks, Parmesan shrimp and breadsticks. Perhaps designed to be eaten by a group, but on many occasion consumed by a single drunken Irish fan. Between the Buns; South Bend, Indiana (Photo: BtB)

34. Marquette: Chili Cheese Atomic Dog

Spicy Vienna beef Polish hot dog fried crispy and topped with onions, tomato wedges, chili and cheese.

Dogg Haus; Milwaukee, Wisconsin (Photo: Dogg Haus)

33. Texas A&M: Spicy Bacon Chicken Baked Potato

Thought a baked potato was only a vessel for sour cream and cheese? Think again. This one has BBQ chicken, bacon, butter, sour cream and cheese.

Potato Shack; College Station, Texas (Photo: DerekSteen)

32. Florida State: Wake ‘n’ Bake Dog

Too late for dinner, too early for breakfast? Try a hot dog wrapped in bacon on a fried egg with cheese.

VooDoo Dog; Tallahassee, Florida (Photo: VooDoo Dog)

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