Cupcake Rampage: Aztec Xocolatl Cupcakes

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¡Ai ya! ¡Las magdalenas del monstruo están sobrando la ciudad!

I have a problem with chocolate. Not an addiction kind of problem, it’s more like the complex gauntlet of feelings a married couple goes through leading up to a separation or estrangement. My problem isn’t with chocolate per se, but rather the lofty pedestal it’s been placed upon as food of the gods. The appeal of chocolate has become so pervasive and universal as to make it ubiquitously available, which has invariably led to a massive spectrum of quality, the majority of which have been dulled and flattened to appease the less sophisticated Western palate. Most commercially available chocolate shares the same stigma as boxed macaroni and cheese; so many people are used to the low balled version that the “real thing” would taste almost alien to them.

Now, I’m not trying to be a snot-nosed foodie and say that you haven’t tried real chocolate until you’ve tasted a raw cacao bean or anything, but I’m also of the mind that the more often chocolate is utilized or abused in products, the less special it becomes. This is why I don’t bake with chocolate very often, not because I don’t like it, but because it’s such a mysterious, multidimensional, powerful ingredient that I want to make sure I use its magic properly.

Then again, the ancient Aztecs didn’t quite think that way when it came to their version of hot chocolate. Before that asshole Cortez came along and wrecked everything, they were known to guzzle gallons of what they called xocolatl, (pronounced “HOCK-a-lottle”) and since they didn’t know from sugar, they tempered its natural astringency with hot peppers and other spices. The recipe that follows isn’t an attempt to recreate that brew with any degree of authenticity, but rather an experiment to see what other kinds of personality traits can be brought out of something that usually tastes the same every time you eat it, like chocolate.

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Cheflebrity Smörgåsbord: But She Has Sassy Bangs!

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Hey, Food Network!  What the hell are you doing?

Far be it from me to tell you how to do your job, but I’m starting to think you blew it with the first episode of The Next Food Network Star.  Did you really start off the season by eliminating the cute, perky blond who identified herself as “Housewife 2.0?”  She appeals to both the guys and the girls!  I just don’t think you have the right mindset.  And by “mindset,” I mean the typical reality show producer technique of keeping contestants around solely because they appeal to the audience and make for plenty of news coverage.  In other words, the reason they kept that marginally-talented Susan Boyle on that British show for so long.  (ZING!)

In other news, we’re running another contest here at Endless Simmer.  Just give us your “last meal on Earth” and you can score some bad-ass Top Chef gear.  I know what you’re thinking…”another contest?!?”  It’s all part of our master plan to run as many contests as your local top-40 radio station. Be sure to stop back next week to nab some tix to the monster truck rally.

Shall we smörg?

A look at the folks on the upcoming Top Chef Masters: Slashfood thinks Kelly Choi could be “the new Padma” and Eat Me Daily wonders who the hell Jay Rayner is (other than an extra from Pirates of the Caribbean, by the looks of it.)

Gordon Ramsay finds out the hard way that Australian women don’t like to be called “pigs.”  Who knew?

Post-jump goodness:  a video podcast worth checking out, some gratuitous meat (and a burger, too) and a new way to get your gambling fix.

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Ask Tom, Answer Gansie: Stop the Bitchin’

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A semi-regular feature where gansie gets to pretend she knows as much about dining as the Washington Post food critic.

D.C.: Dear Diners,

We want to make you happy, we want to provide you with great food, great service and have you leave us satisfied and content. That being said, we also like to minimize any potential problems (make them invisible). So when you arrive for a table and the dining room looks “half full” and we ask you to wait for a moment it may be that a server has just been triple sat (three tables at once) and we need to make an adjustment in the seating to give you a table in another section or maybe someone in the kitchen just dropped a tray of prep items, or passed out or well, just about any and everything. Please try and understand we are not trying to make you day any more difficult or harried, we are only making last second adjustments to make everyones experience better. And yes sometimes we fail. We’ll try and do better. Ciao!

Tom Sietsema: Hear, hear. Thanks for shedding some light on what goes on behind the scenes. Tell us where you toil!

gansie: <Relief> Wow. I absolutely love this confession. Well, maybe that’s the wrong connotative interpretation. I love this gossip. Even though I worked as a waitress, I never learned the art of hosting. It’s a practice in politeness, mathematics, politics and patience. I too am guilty of being all pissy when I see empty seats and the host tells me it’ll be a few minutes. With the calm of a dining room staring me in the face it’s easy to disregard the backstage craziness and perform an under-the-breath huff of frustration. Here is a lovely reminder: chill the fuck out or go home and fry yourself an egg.

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Artsy Photo of the Day

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The first of many pics from the Mt. Pleasant farmers market this summer.

Go Fishing with Your iPhone

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I try to be a socially-responsible eater, but it’s tough to take an absolute stand and commit to one of the usual categories.  I’m not a locavore, a vegetarian, a vegan or an organics-only diner.  The main problem is that, even if I could get on board from a taste perspective, I know I’ll never keep at it.  Heck, I can’t even swear off eating human brains because I know that diet will go to shit during the inevitable zombie outbreak.

But one area I do try to do my best to make wise choices is when I purchase and eat seafood.  The numbers are startling and the prognosis grim when it comes to the future of many of the most popular seafood choices.  It’s no surprise when you hear about customers asking high-profile restaurants like Nobu to lay off the bluefin tuna.

The challenge for a responsible seafood eater is not just picking the right species of fish, but there are also considerations such as the location from which the seafood was taken (geography as well as farmed vs. wild) and the method by which it was taken, with some techniques vastly preferable to others.  Keeping it all straight can be difficult.

Fortunately, the folks at the Monterey Bay Aquarium have made it considerably easier by issuing “Seafood Guide,” (iTunes link) a free iPhone application that provides diners and shoppers with the latest info about how to make choices that support sustainability. Armed with the necessary information, I wanted to see how easy it was to be a smart diner on a trip to Bonefish Grill, a national chain of seafood restaurants.

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Sports: Positive Role Models Are Possible

I know. This is not where you normally turn for sports updates, but as active fans, we’ve found ways to intersect our love of balls and food.

ES friend JakeSG (and new Portland resident <tear>) sent me a PSA of sorts from the awesome Philly sports blog, The 700 Level. The White House released a video of Phillies’ first baseman Ryan Howard touring its new, totally hyped garden with chef Sam Kass.

The baby-faced slugger discussed his pre-season weight loss, explaining: “I ate a lot of organic foods but it was actually good.” This sentence cracks me up. What did he expect *organics* to taste like? Three day old fish? Howard goes on to try some of the food (“this is as raw as it gets!”) and tour the enormous space (composting is a part of the gig).

Now, I won’t go into all of the craziness that players get themselves into, but we know that’s what dominates the news. So, here is a fantastic change. An athlete promoting healthy eating. Not drugs, not bling, not violence. But checking out the presidential garden and praising the idea of changing eating habits.

And in case you can’t watch the video, here’s my favorite exchange:

Chef: This is probably the greatest achievement of this garden
Slugger: Okay, what do we have
Chef
: We got a honey bee hive
Slugger: Oh snap son

What’s Your Last Supper?

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I know some of you are revved up about The Next Food Network Star, while others are excited for this week’s premier of Top Chef Masters, but personally, I’m just waiting for Padma to come back already!

When it comes to cooking reality shows, you just can’t beat the real deal. But fortunately for addicts like me, TC is now available on DVD. You can pre-order the season five DVD right now. It includes extended interviews and never-before-seen stew room footage, which we assumes means a whole lot of drunk chef-testants. So A&E Home Entertainment, who are releasing the DVD, asked us if we would be so kind as to promote the release while giving ES-ers a chance to win Top Chef: The Cookbook, Top Chef The Computer Game (!), and Top Chef: The Cutlery Set. Wowzers! That’s a lotta Top Chef paraphernalia.

So here’s the deal: Remember the season five episode when chef-testants had to cook famous chefs’ last supper requests? We’re asking you: What would your last supper be? Tell us, in 100 words or less, what you would eat if it was the absolute last thing you could ever put in your mouth. We’ll hook the funniest entrant up with some sweet Top Chef prizes. Email your answers to contests@endlesssimmer.com

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