Gridiron Grub: When the Food Beats the Game

Editor’s Note: With the football post-season kicking into high gear, contributor broadandpattison returns for a retrospective on another year as an Eagles fan…and the tailgating grub that got him through it.

Given that my beloved Eagles seem to have a much different definition of “football” than I do, this year I decided to use my time at Eagles games more wisely. That is, instead of “going to the football game,” I go to the tailgate. It occurred to me at my last tailgate, before the Pats spanked the Birds, that all of the wonderful food I was eating was actually the exact OPPOSITE of the Eagles players I’ve been watching all year. Let’s break it down:

Dish: Bacon, Egg and Cheese……and a Keystone Light
Exact Opposite: Desean Jackson

The Sunday morning breakfast sandwich is about the most reliable food order of all time. It’s Sunday morning, you’re a little hungover, you need grease and substance at the same time….you get a breakfast sandwich. Works every time. It used to be that we could count on Desean for a long touchdown bomb and a totally over-the-top TD dance every game, just like you could count on the breakfast sandwich hitting the spot every Sunday morning. Now? I’m not sure Desean knows when he is playing football.

Dish: Pulled Pork on Brioche
Exact Opposite: Casey Matthews

The pulled pork at the tailgate was juicy, seasoned and delicious. No matter how much you have, you can ALWAYS have one more bite. Casey Matthews? You never want one more play out of him. EVER. No more!!!!! Please stop!!!! (Those emotions never, ever are associated with pulled pork. Ever.)

Dish: Chicken Cutlet, Broccoli Rabe, Sharp Provolone on an Amoroso Roll
Exact Opposite: Juan Castillo and Defensive Coordinator

There hasn’t been a marriage as sturdy, stable and perfect as the chicken cutlet-broccoli rabe-sharp provolone-amoroso since peanut butter and jelly. I mean, these items are PERFECT for each other. They were meant for each other. Juan Castillo and the word “defense” were meant for each other about as much as the Montagues and Capulets. It doesn’t work!!!! How come everyone knew it wouldn’t work but Andy Reid!?!!?!?

Dish: Fried Fish in a Hot Dog Bun with Russian Dressing
Exact Opposite: Nnamdi Asomghnotverygood

That’s right – fried motherfucking fish in a motherfucking hot dog bun with motherfucking Russian dressing. Don’t see it working in a football tailgate, do you? Neither did I. But guess what? It motherfucking works!!!! Delicious. I would have never thought. You know what I was sure of? Certain of, in fact. Nnamdi being a GREAT player! Well, he isn’t.

Finally, I wish I had eaten something as good as Andy Reid is bad. But I’m not sure man has created a dish quite that delectable just yet.

‘Til next year, football eaters.

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