Friday Fuck Up: An Unsettling Omelet

I know, I know. How could I fuck up eggs?

Believe me, as I pushed each sad bite into my mouth I thought the exact same thing. I’ve made this dish before with great success. Well, a version of the dish. Last time I wanted to create an open omelet I played it safe: whipping up an egg, letting it set, adding cheese to finish. See, it’s beautiful:

I even wanted to use the same plate, commemorating its success. I thought this iteration would work even better, but somehow my eggs became mushy, grainy, just not right.

I started this dish by slicing a tomato and laying the disks on a warm pan with some butter. I then whipped one egg and added in Dijon mustard, goat cheese, a splash of water and stirred it together.

Okay, the water. So when I first learned to cook my Aunt Jodi told me to add a splash of water into eggs when making an omelet. She said it produced a fluffier version. I didn’t really understand why, but I did it. And when I remember, I still do.

When my tomatoes  softened, I poured in the egg mixture. Right away I could tell something was off. It was gooey. It wasn’t firming up. I then threw it under the broiler, hoping to set the egg and give it some crisping. But after  3 or 4 minutes, which is usually plenty of time for my monster of a broiler, the eggs still weren’t set.

But for fear of over-cooking, I pulled them from the heat. The eggs had cooked, but didn’t turn into a satisfying consistency. At all. Fuck.

 (Happy Birthday Mariah Carey!)

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  • Jenna August 26, 2011  

    Did you de-seed your tomatoes? The omelet looks really watery, and the extra water from the tomatoes could cause the eggs to break like that. And then you’d be steaming the egg bits in their excess water, which would totally mess up the texture.

  • gansie August 26, 2011  

    oh! i did not de-seed the tomatoes. i noticed a lot of juicy tomato-ness in the pan before i poured in the egg, but just thought it would taste extra tomato-y, and not fuck up the egg. this could be the culprit! thanks, jenna.

  • LaurenMcK August 26, 2011  

    Agree with Jenna – it’s probably the tomatoes. I usually add them at the end, when the eggs are almost set.

  • Doug Bennett August 26, 2011  

    Could we try a little less profanity? I’d be very appreciative.

  • gansie August 26, 2011  

    Hi Doug,
    Thanks for writing in. We get this comment once in a while and I’m curious as to why you’d like us to leave the swear word off the blog? Help us understand.

  • erica August 26, 2011  

    i agree, the tomato was the culprit.
    i like swear words.

  • Me, I appreciate the curse words. Leave them alone, please.

    And even though this omelet does look a little on the watery side, I do think the one with the asparagus looks absolutely delish! YUM! And I always splash a little water in too, it makes all the difference 😉

  • Doug Bennett August 26, 2011  

    Why do I urge no swear words? I want to live in a world where people treat one another with respect, as persons who are (each and every one of us) children of God. You may not ‘mean’ those ugly words in an uncivil or ugly way, but the use of them encourages others to use those words abusively and in anger. That’s why they carry the normal force that they do. I read this and other blogs, generally, seated a few dozen feet from my eight-year-old son. I’m trying to raise him to treat his world and those in it with care and decency and respect. My head snaps back when I read certain words. It is possible to be graphic and forceful without using those words. They are just a cheap, ugly shortcut that leads as quickly to a smashed outhouse as they do to any point you may want to make.

  • Rachel August 26, 2011  

    Words only have as much meaning as you allow them to possess. If you don’t like it, don’t read it, and don’t use it in your own home. Everyone is entitled to use the language that they personally wish to write and speak, and if that oftentimes includes profanity, so be it. We’re given the right to free speech by living in this country, and although you might not necessarily agree with one’s interpretation of that freedom, they have every right to use the vernacular they so desire.

    Also, it’s the internet. My 12-year-old brother has been exposed to profanity for half his life and he’s still one of the most upstanding citizens and eloquent speakers I know…and I go to school for public communications!

  • Doug Bennett August 29, 2011  

    For starters, “free speech” has to do with whether the government can restrict speech. I certainly am not asking for that kind of restriction. I’m asking for civility through self-restraint.
    Of course I know that I can stop reading Endless Simmer, and might, if there is continuing gratuitous profanity. But before leaving, I’d like to say that I think the profanity is unnecessary to carry what ES wants to say. Writers want readers and vice versa. It’s a bond of mutuality. We’re having a conversation.
    Words carry such meaning as WE want them to have: words are social, not individual constructions. Sopme words do have unusual, repulsive force. Neither you, Rachel, nor anyone in this discussion has said why the use of such profanity should be continued. “Because I want to” or “because I like it” aren’t reasons.

  • sharon August 29, 2011  

    Using curse words seems lazy to me, there are many wonderfully descriptive words that are being neglected for the ease of profanity. Your omelet could have been ‘fouled’, ‘vile’, ‘odious’, or ‘revolting’. Or possibly ‘dismaying’, ‘disgusting’, and ‘appalling’ which would convey more than just fucked IMO.

  • Oona August 29, 2011  

    I appreciate the honesty that “swear words” convey. Because, really, that’s what you’re thinking when stuff goes wrong: “Fuuuck”.

  • Oona August 29, 2011  

    Although, “vile” and “odious” are both highly entertaining words. You should try sprinkling them in to keep the prudes happy.

  • LW August 29, 2011  

    I very much enjoy your Friday Fuck Up segment on the blog. I appreciate the candor and informality of the posts and feel that the name is in a small way, responsible for that. I have not moral qualms about cursing and in this setting/in this manner I’m really pleased with it. Also, there’s no need to change if it ain’t broke.

  • MartiniGirl August 29, 2011  

    I like that it’s specifically called a fuck up because whenever I jack up a dish that was sooo tasty in my head and not in reality, that is exactly what I think. I fucked it up. And while I appreciate that there are so many other wonderful words convey the same meaning, they don’t have the same ring that “Friday Fuck Up” has. Sure, it could be called “Foul Friday” or “Friday Foul Up” but that’s watered down and when you look at it, you don’t immediately think that this is going to be a post of a dish that got righteously jacked up.

  • averagebetty August 29, 2011  

    I recently broke a giant batch of hollandaise that was about to be served to my entire family for Sunday Brunch. I said, “Sh*t!” in front of the inlaws and young, impressionable nieces and nephews. Whoops.

    Thankfully, the hollandaise recovered and brunch was delicious. But I am still getting sh*t from my family for having such a potty-mouth 🙂

  • Angie August 29, 2011  

    There is no room for self restraint in a discussion of good food and other scandalous luxuries. Every day I’m given too many opportunities to exercise temperance and denial, and I appreciate the unabashed authenticity that comes with a good Friday Fuck Up. Curse away, ES.

  • Ashtx August 29, 2011  

    Felt the need to vote “fuck yes” on the “fuck” usage debate.

    I think the “fuck” usage right there in my vote communicated something another word could not capture just right, just as “Friday Fuck Up” does. I could’ve said “emphatically yes,” which of course contains similarities to my usage of “fuck,” but there are pronounced differences in what the choice of modifier communicates about the author. They are stylistic choices that convey slightly different things, which adds to the diversity and richness of our communications.

    Many words that are not labeled as “profanity” can have just as terrible a sentiment behind them, if not worse. Plenty of words labeled as “profanity” can have exactly zero terrible/negative sentiment behind them (in fact, the immense range of sentiments in which “fuck” can be successfully employed should be enough proof in itself of its cultural value). So even beyond the linguistics argument, the idea of “profanity” is pretty [fucking] illogical.

  • naomi August 29, 2011  

    I’m completely ignorant to the negative implicatons of the word fuck. So I’m pretty sure I’ve been guilty of using it as an everyday, everyway word-as in: noun, verb, adjective. It’s a pretty awesome how one word can play that many roles so double thumbs up to its continued usage.

  • forkitude August 30, 2011  

    As a cook who works in a professional kitchen, I personally could not get through the day without using profanity. Sorry I’m not sorry that profanity is a large part of the language of food and of the kitchen. The professional kitchen is not rainbows and butterflies. It can be regimented and hopefully organized and clean, but it’s leaking trash and food that has gone fucking rank and scrubbing shit that’s stuck on the floor and burning the fuck out of your hand when you drop shit in the fryer and it splashes on you. When I slice my finger open slicing shit on a mandolin, I’m not going to say “oh, darn.” There is a place for profanity and it’s certainly not a kindergarten classroom or a daycare. But last time I checked, Endless Simmer is not a kindergarten classroom or a daycare.

    I recently staged at a hotel in Italy and worked with people who spoke a very small amount of English. They informed me that their favorite English word is “fuck”. It is incredibly useful and versatile. Let’s celebrate the beauty of our language. Let’s teach children about using language, appreciating food, and interacting with others instead of sheltering them from reality.

    Fuck yes.

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