Friday Fuck Up: A Whole Lot of Fucking Up
A little bit ago I led 80P into a terrible failure of a dinner. I felt awful. It wasn’t until he sucked down almost all of the ill-tasting noodles that I realized we could at least turn this barely edible dinner into a blog post. I actually coached 80 along, offering advice on a few of the steps. In this gChat interview, however, I straddle the line between innocent interviewer and guilty girlfriend.
gansie: so, 80, tell me about that time you fucked up pasta sauce
80P: I was hoping to make an edible cream sauce for pasta
gansie: mmm…cream sauce
80P: but apparently I didn’t use enough fat
gansie: what’d you start with
80P: Well, I started with whole milk, which I thought would thicken if I simmered it for a while
gansie: whole milk – why the hell did you have whole milk in the fridge. gross.
80P: Jack bought it
gansie: jack?
80P: 1 year child that we adopted for a weekend
named jack
his parents bought a freaking gallon of whole milk
we needed to get rid of it somehow
gansie: okay. he’s lying. it’s our friends’ maureen and jarrod’s baby (ps – send in your cute baby pics for our contest)
so you thought cream sauce – brilliant
i mean, you’d think whole milk would have the fat to thicken
80P: brilliant with a small b
gansie: okay, so how’d it start
the cooking, not the baby making
80P: simmered the milk for about 10 mins, nothing, another 10 mins and about an inch had evaporated
Barely any thicker
So then I began my slow transition to panic, realizing that I would be made fun of nationwide for my lack of cooking ability
gansie: i would never do that to you!
did you flavor the milk at all?
80P: I think just salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes
nothing crazy
In my attempt to save the warm milk concoction, I grated in about 2 cups of cheese after I took it off the heat
gansie: mmm…parm!
and then what
how could it not work!?
80P: well, you know things are not going to work when your pasta has a pool of milk on the bottom of it and the sauce doesn’t stick to the fettuccine at all.
fortunately, I had cooked only about half a box of pasta
I had to pour off about a cup of milk from the bowl.
quite possibly the worst thing I have ever made or eaten…but I did eat it all
Out of spite
gansie: spite for whom
may i ask
80P: myself
gansie: good answer
so if you had to do it over again – how would you fix it
80P: flour
buy a jar of alfredo sauce
order in
let Gansie cook
lots of options
gansie: that is not the spirit!
go back to the flour
and yea, i remember later that night when i was relaying the fuck up to tim and he’s like – “why didnt you use any flour?”
ugh – no fucking shit
how did we not think of that!
80P: we? Are you sure you want to put your name with this atrocity of a dish?
gansie: you’re right. that’s why I’m interviewing you.
Wait – I thought you couldn’t boil milk. I thought you could only boil cream . . . Also, this sounds like many of the cooking experiments that occur in my kitchen.
Maybe next time save the milk for ice cream? That’s my fave way to get rid of excess whole milk. Mmmm . . .
Um .. you know I don’t have a problem with obscenity and “fuck” is probably my favorite swear word. Really my favorite all-purpose word. But your blog just got me flagged at work because of the use of the word “fuck” in the URL and the title.
You might really want to consider that when you name your blog posts in the future.
I used to make “cream” sauces out of milk all the time, back before I realized that dairy was the source of my digestive evil.
You have to start with a roux. Equal parts fat (butter is best) and flour, sauteed until the flour is golden and bubbly. Add the milk bit by bit, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon. This can then become just about anything — add cheddar for mac n’ cheese, dill and garlic for a sauce for fish, parmesan and such for an alfredo-style sauce.
And what’s so gross about whole milk? It’s all I buy for my (skinny) husband and (growing, also skinny) son. As I recall, it’s skim milk that’s gross. Chalk-colored water. At least whole milk is recognizably milky.
@Kara. I am sorry for my foul language getting you in trouble at work.
when my dad used to score a ton of milk (dad is a dumpster diver) and mom needed to use it up, she’d make rice pudding.
i agree, you have to start with the roux. then you have to stir the cheese while it melts, or you get clumps of cheese on the bottom.
thanks for all of the tips.
if someone wanted to send a serious step-by-step guide to alfredo – i would love it! and as much as i HATE following recipes, i have a feeling alfredo will be worth it.
if you forget to roux, you can usually save it with cornstarch. must dissolve the cornstarch in tiny bit of cold water or milk and then add. whisk while bringing to a boil, and voila. then you can turn the heat down and it should be thick.