Halloween Must-Have: ORANGE Milk!


Tick or treaters, horror films, American Horror Story, Walking Dead, Hocus Pocus marathons, ORANGE MILK. The list can go on (do I see a Halloween must-have list in our near future?) but for now, let’s talk about this awesome idea from TruMoo: Orange and Scream Milk. The green-dyed milk for St. Patrick’s day is cool, but does it change the flavor of the milk? NO. Orange and Scream is a play on words of…you guessed it – orange and cream. Not only is the milk a kick-ass Halloween orange, but it also tastes like a delicious creamsicle! I’m picturing myself downing tons of Halloween candy with a nice cold glass of orange milk. This could really change things for me…

Parent company Dean foods figured it out – you can get your kids their calcium while also tasting delicious and fitting the theme of the Holiday. More importantly, they even suggest some “Halloween concoctions.” First, there is the Monster Mash Float, which “comes to life by combining the limited edition milk with frozen yogurt topped off with chilled seltzer.” Then try the “Paranormal Pudding.” which “appears by combining instant vanilla pudding with TruMoo Orange Scream and layers of granola.”

I sent several emails to TruMoo and Dean foods to find out where I can get this ghoulish beverage. Unfortunately, the snobs in my region apparently don’t demand the product so I can’t find it near me. They did suggest to ask the local store managers to get some in. Obviously, an email has already been sent. I haven’t given up yet on finding this thing and neither should you. In fact, if you do find it, let us know and tweet us with your best HALLOWEEN milk mustache! Game on. Happy Halloween, Bitches.

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Burns My Bacon: Dessert Gimmicks


So the food porn-obsessed Internet is going crazy this week with news that Dominique Ansel, he of the great cronut craze of 2013, is back with his latest trademark creation: a chocolate chip cookie shot “glass” with a shot of milk. It’s beautiful. It’s mouthwatering. It’s waste-free.

It’s also stupid.

Why? Because, um…who wants to drink a shot of milk and THEN eat a cookie? It’s cute, yes. But the order is just all wrong. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer here but there are some things I just have to take seriously and this concoction is NOT practical. I feel like I would end up with milk and crumbs drizzling down my face as I tried to get the perfect last bite.

This gimmick is just not an improvement on the traditional milk and cookie. Cookie first, then milk. It doesn’t work the other way.  Design me a shot glass made of milk with a cookie contained inside it, and then I might be impressed, Dominique.

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Peanut Butter and Jell-WHY?!? Vodka

By this point in my Endless Simmer career (and let’s face it, my career as a human being in general), I have become the go-to girl when it comes to crazy/ridiculous/ill-fated novelty alcoholic endeavors. (Well, to be fair, this honor is shared with my booze soulmate, ML.)

So it should come as no shock that when Van Gogh wanted to send us a bottle of its new PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY FLAVORED VODKA to sample, I was the first (and only) writer to jump at the chance to experience such a creation. I didn’t have the highest of hopes for it, but come on, I never really have dreams of glory for any of my drunken experiences. All I hope for are entertaining stories we can retell in the future. And by “entertaining” I mean “humiliating,” but whatever.

My roommates and I decided to throw together a last-minute “flavored vodka tasting party” (classy) to poll people on the PB&J vodka. As one might imagine, the reactions were not the most positive. Don’t get me wrong, I love vodka. I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But something seems a bit…. off about this booze.

Their website describes it as such:

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Friday Fuck Up: A Whole Lot of Fucking Up


A little bit ago I led 80P into a terrible failure of a dinner. I felt awful. It wasn’t until he sucked down almost all of the ill-tasting noodles that I realized we could at least turn this barely edible dinner into a blog post. I actually coached 80 along, offering advice on a few of the steps. In this gChat interview, however, I straddle the line between innocent interviewer and guilty girlfriend.

gansie: so, 80, tell me about that time you fucked up pasta sauce

80P: I was hoping to make an edible cream sauce for pasta

gansie: mmm…cream sauce

80P: but apparently I didn’t use enough fat

gansie: what’d you start with

80P: Well, I started with whole milk, which I thought would thicken if I simmered it for a while

gansie: whole milk – why the hell did you have whole milk in the fridge. gross.

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