It’s Only Natural To Compare March Madness To Food


With the first day of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament upon us, there are a few questions we need to answer:

1) Can you out bracket our Commander-in-Chief?
2) How much money can you cost your company by watching espn360, instead of doing work?
3) Can you come up with 5 better NCAA players/coaches to food analogies than the ones below?

The challenge is simple: Think of a popular NCAA player/coach and ask yourself, if they were food, what type of food would they be?

We’ll start with an easy one:

1) Rick PitinoKobe Beef Cheeseburger

Let’s not kid ourselves here.  Rick Pitino looks GOOD.  He dresses nice, he slicks back his hair, and he probably has a nice watch.  But, the guy also comes to play.  Having a good time isn’t good enough for Rick Pitino.  You can’t wear a white suit and not mean business.  Kobe beef cheeseburger? Not all that different.  It is always presented well. It’s a slamming good time, but don’t be fooled by your excitement; you better bring your A-game when you take down a Kobe burger.

2) Hasheem Thabeet = Fruit by the Foot

Hasheem Thabeet is really, really tall.  He’s also pretty skinny.  You think he might be a pushover, but he isn’t.  He’s actually quite intense.  In fact, at the beginning of games, you might think you want a piece of him, but after a few drives to the basket, you realize you probably don’t.  Enter: fruit by the foot.  The longest and skinniest of the long and skinny variety.  It always sounds like a good idea.  “Yea, no big deal, I can put down a foot of chewy fruit tasting dessert.” But as you stare down that last bite, you don’t want anymore.

3) Gerald Henderson = 7-Layer Nacho Dip

Look, Gerald Henderson is freakishly good.  He jumps out of the building, frighteningly quick, and scarily athletic.  Is he polished? Probably not.  Are his fundamentals ready for the next level? Maybe.  But the fact remains, he has all the ingredients.  You know what else has all the ingredients? 7-Layer Nacho Dip.  Is it perfect? No.  There are always certain ingredients that you like more than others and favor when you go in for the dip.  But it’s also ridiculously good, no matter its imperfections.  I mean, you don’t make it to every single sports-watching party by accident.

4) Stephon Curry = Pizza Calzone

Have you heard of Stephon Curry? Probably.  But do you really pay attention to him? Probably not.  Did you watch him play more than once this year? Doubt it.  Well, why the hell not!?!? He’s a great player, shoots from everywhere on the court, extremely entertaining and makes impossible shots.

Do you like calzones? Probably.  But do you ever eat them? Probably not.  Have you had one yet this year? Doubt it.  Well, why the hell not?!?! They’re delicious! A pizza sandwich?! You can eat it with your hands, a fork and a knife, fill them with whatever you want, melt cheese and sauce over it.  Why don’t people eat these more often!?

5) Tyler Hansbrough = Pork Chops

They are both big, they can both be difficult, they’re both kinda white, but yet they are both reliable, and of all the things on the menu (basketball court), there are probably at least two other dishes (players) that look better.

Anyone else?

And don’t forget about last year’s nonsense:
America’s Top 10 Drunk College Foods

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  • Maids March 19, 2009  

    6. March Madness = Green bean casserole
    It’s that supposedly amazing gourmet dish, sure to win over your taste buds, even though you always thought green beans were overrated (as vegetables go), especially when prepared with cream of mushroom soup and fried crunchy weird shit on top. But your friends spend all their time and energy slaving over the Green Bean Casserole, and you feel an obligation to have a bite, even though you know you hate Green Bean Casserole, and you know in your soul that even your cooking genius friends can’t make green bean casserole exciting for you. And of course, when you try the Green Bean Casserole your friends have been debating about and slaving over for weeks and weeks… turns out that it’s that same old nasty shit you always hated.
    🙂 yes I’m a hater.

  • 80 Proof March 19, 2009  

    First off, amazing post.

    7. One Shining Moment Theme Song = The last mozzarella stick

    You all know the song that CBS plays after the final game, showing the greatest hits from this years tournament. You know that some technician can’t even watch the championship game b/c they are furiously trying to edit in clips from the final game. But for the viewers at home, One Shining Moment is the cheesy event to savor.

    In the same way, you and your friends have worked your way through a delicious plate of mozzarella sticks (although probably too few to being with). There is one final glorious piece on the plate. What do you do?

    Share the cheesy goodness of that final stick.

  • JoeHoya March 19, 2009  

    Wow. Pure genius.

    I’ll be the first one to swing at a softball:

    8. Dick Vitale = Bacos

    He’s loud. He’s assertive. There’s something distinctly unnatural about him. He’s been around forever, and dammit, he’s EVERYWHERE. But he’s not for everyone – either you love him, in which case you think he makes every game-watching opportunity better, or you hate him, and his mere presence ruins the experience completely.

    NOTE: This is not a comparison to BACON, but rather to the artificial bacon-esque product put out by Betty Crocker that promises to “make every bite better.”

  • Mariah Carey March 20, 2009  

    Gansie, which food does Jay Wright (of THE victorious VILLANOVA) remind you of??

  • BS March 24, 2009  

    Bobby Knight = The Bacon Explosion. So horrible, but so necessary.

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