Sometimes at Endless Simmer, we discuss only the most important, pressing issues facing the food world. This is one of those times.
I’m here today to discuss a problem that has been gnawing at my soul for some time. When I have raised this dilemma at numerous venerable eating establishments, I have found substantial support for my position.
Mozzarella Sticks: undeniably one of America’s great culinary inventions. Bread crumbs, cheese, hot oil, bam! – the perfect bar snack. But what’s up with the portion size? Why do they always come in such a small number, usually six to a plate? For a similar price, any bar menu in America will serve you a heaping platter of calamari, a generous serving of onion rings, plump and juicy chicken fingers, or a giganto plate of nachos. But never am I ever served a giant plate of mozzarella sticks.
This presents the eater with a dastardly dilemma. To ensure enough mozz. sticks to satisfy a grease-craving, alcohol-soaked group of munchers, you’d have to get three orders at least – and who is willing to spend 25 bucks on mozz. sticks? Of course, you can always go the, “these are just for me, guys” route, but then not only do you look like a douche, you inevitably get the “oh, can I just have a half?” requests, and even in a small group of friends, you end of with something like 3 and 1/2 sticks to eat yourself. Not quite meal-worthy. So I quite often put my fried cheese craving to the side and forget it altogether.
So what the hell is going on here? The big portions thing is something you usually excel at, America. I want 10 to 12 mozz. sticks per plate. And don’t tell me they are more expensive to make than the other appetizers, because it’s not like they’re stuffing them with Mozzarella di Bufala Camapana or something – that shit is Polly-O at best.
So can someone please explain to me, what’s the deal with mozzarella sticks? Is there some secret reason why the servings have to be so small? Is there any action we can take to change this accepted social norm? A petition, protest, or sit-in perhaps? The time is now, dear readers. I humbly await your advice.