Particle Board and Seasoned Ground Meat
Recently, I was telling a friend that I write for a food blog and they asked if I had any ambition to be a food critic. I’ve been asked this on a couple of occasions, and my typical answer is that I don’t harbor such aspirations because I don’t have any culinary training or possess a particularly exceptional knowledge of food.
I’ve been thinking about the conversation and I think I discovered the real reason I don’t feel qualified to be a food critic. It’s not that I’m not professionally trained and it’s not that I don’t possess an encyclopedic knowledge of food. Despite these factors, I think I have a pretty good palate and I like to believe I know a thing or two about a reasonably wide variety of cuisines. Rather, it’s the fact that I don’t have a sufficiently robust dining history to be able to knowledgeably and consistently spot an outstanding example of a traditional dish.
How did I come to this epiphany? There were two triggers, one mundane and one out of the ordinary. The first was reading a review of a local restaurant. The second was a result of my quest to turn a couple of torchier floor lamps into speaker stands.
The restaurant review part is really simple. I don’t even remember what the cuisine was, but the critic mentioned some shortcoming of one of the dishes by comparing it to the way it “usually tastes.” The fact that I had never heard of the dish, let alone know what it’s supposed to taste like, made me feel inexperienced. I shrugged it off because, frankly, how many people are that conversant in Laotian, Uruguayan and Finnish cooking? I was still feeling pretty good about myself.
Then I went to IKEA. See, I’ve got this nice surround-sound system with these insanely small speakers which (thanks SONY!) don’t mount properly on generic speaker stands. Of course, the stands that they do mount on cost about $125 a pair…and I need four stands. So after seeing some ideas online and convincing myself that I’m handy around the house, I headed out to IKEA to buy four NOT lamps, which I intend to hack up and turn into $14/pair speaker stands.
Of course, no trip to IKEA is official until I load up my shopping cart with a bag of frozen meatballs, two packets of sauce and a jar of lingonberry preserve. That’s when it really hit me.
I have absolutely no idea what Swedish meatballs are supposed to taste like. I know what the ones they sell at IKEA taste like. I know that I’m compelled to buy them every time I’m there despite the fact that I can buy frozen Swedish meatballs just about anywhere these days. On second thought, I’m thinking this whole “furniture” thing is a clever ruse to hide their true ambition to get us hooked on their spiced beef and pork products.
Authentic? Who knows!?
Good by Swedish meatball standards? I have no clue!
That’s fine. As long as I get to go home, bake those delicious little morsels in the oven while I mix up the sauce (complete with idiot-proof illustrated instructions…just like my end table!) and spoon a dollop of that jam on the side of the plate, I’m happy.
I’m just going to revel in my ignorance and enjoy my IKEA meatballs, and don’t try to convince me to order them next time I’m out at a restaurant. That would only shatter the illusion.