Burns My Bacon: Oreo Thins


The skinny Oreo. Yes, you heard it right, Nabisco is giving in to the effed up health-conscious world to bring you “Oreo Thins.” Supposedly, Nabisco is not trying to offer a healthier option than their Crisco-filled counterparts, but they project sales to increase from offering this wafer-like substance formerly known as an Oreo. Yes, these are more sophisticated snacks “for adults” according to the Associated Press. Nabisco claims that adults don’t want to twist or dunk their Oreos. Instead, adults want to chomp down on some thin piece of cardboard that does not have nearly enough sugar-lard filling and claim that they are satisfied. I call BS.

Let’s be real. First off, since the dawning of the Oreo, debates among young and old centered around the question: to dunk or to twist? “I prefer to eat my Oreo dry, with less filling, and untwisted” – said nobody. Further, when given the choice between a regular Oreo and Double Stuffed, I am willing to bet that 9/10 people will choose the double-stuffed. I mean, I’ll take two double-stuffed Oreos, twist off precisely so that all of the cream is on one side, and then sandwich the two double-stuffed sides together. I am not alone. And yes, on most days, I am an adult.

Finally – let’s talk about the Oreo brand. Oreo makes their money off of the “twist vs. dunk” debate. Endless advertising highlights the debate – even including adults. I recall an ad with a father (adult) and his son (to be an adult some day) by which the father teaches his son “the proper way to eat an Oreo.” I believe he actually followed the twist and dunk technique. What a simpleton.

PHOTO: Associated Press

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Candy Corn Oreos. We’re Going There.

Okay, it’s October, can we plllllease talk about the Candy Corn Oreos? I know the Internet already went (and is still going) bonkers over this questionable product when it was released a few weeks ago, but I’m sorry, that was in mid-September and I WAS NOT READY. Now that we’re officially in Halloween territory, I’ve decided it’s Candy Corn Oreos’ time to shine.

Here are some facts about this magical monstrosity of the cookie world:

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Attack of the Oreo…Cocktails!

I’ve never been one of those people who can’t say no.  I have no problem saying it.


{In school}

Can you copy my test? I think not.

Lunch money?  Ain’t got none (clearly our school system is failing).


{As an adult}

Need help moving?  I’m busy that day.

Oh, I also can’t help you paint your house.  I got a thing.

Yeah, I can’t babysit your kid ’cause I don’t wanna.

Your birthday is coming up?  I’m no good at cakes.

Also, I have given to a charity already this year, so not today, seedy people who approach me at the gas station.


Yeah, there’s a lot more stuff to say no to as an adult. But, when your co-worker of 5-plus years asks you to make some of your “very delicious Oreo truffles, pleeeaaasse” for her son’s wedding on a budget…sometimes you gotta suck it up and say yes.

Months go by and I’m dreading it and dreading it. Ugh.  Today is the day. OK, so I’m gearing up to make a million truffles, but clearly I need to make a stop at the liquor store to get through this madness.  I texted my brother updating him on my situation.  Then he said the best thing ever.

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