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50 Ways to Feed Your Lover

Posted by on February 8 2011 in Bacon, Holiday, Pig

Here at ES we know it’s not always just about what you eat — it’s how you eat it, too. And never is that more important than on Valentine’s Day. So we’re embracing our inner love child and suggesting 50 ways (some naughty, some nice) to feed your lover this V-Day.

From breakfast in bed to beer in your bosom, enjoy our most loving countdown to date — and click on the photos for fuller explanations.

50. Giant Gummy Bear on a Stick
Practicing your oral skills has never been so sweet.

49. Electric Cookie Press
With one-hand operation and consistent flow of icing every time, the possibilities are endless.

48. Bialetti Pizza Chopper
Works great for slicing thin crust, deep dish, or unfaithful lovers. “Simply grasp the handle at opposite ends and rock the blade back and forth to create portions in the desired size.”

47. Hillary Clinton Nutcracker
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is busting more than balls in Washington these days. See what she can do with a pecan.

46. Jigsaw Cookie Cutter
Sometimes love is complicated, but isn’t it great when it feels like a perfect fit?

45. Musical Cake Slice
Dream of being serenaded by your loved one? You can have your cake and eat it, too, while listening to an electronic version of “The Wedding March” or other tunes.

44. Rooster Apron
This not-so-subtle kitchen frock is sure to send the message of what’s for dessert.

43. Nun Salt & Pepper Shakers
Don’t let that Catholic guilt get you down. Shake out your sexual repression at your next meal.

42. The Ex – Unique Knife Holder
Re-enact Fatal Attraction in the comfort of your own home.

41. Rainbow Kitchen Utensils
We love our gays more than the U.S. military, and what better way to represent pride than with rainbow kitchen utensils?

40. Flask Bra
For the girl on the go.

39. Fisticup Brass Knuckle Mug
P. Diddy will have nothin’ on you when you offer yo’ bitch a cup of morning brew with some props, yo.

38. Bacon Wallet
Take your date out in style when you pull out this meat-lover’s pocketbook.

37. Denture Bottle Opener
The one time when using your teeth is a good thing.

36. Radio Toaster
Pining over a lost love? Listen to Delilah while preparing your morning toast.

35. Sophisticated Adult Bib
Nothing says sexy more than a black vinyl velcro bib with sequins.

34. Port-a-Pint Folding Beer Glass
Chivalry is not dead. Just pull this out the next time you want to make a move at the end of a barbecue.

33. Food Pod
Culinary contraception never looked so good.

32. Rolling Pin Glove
Doing your best Michael Jackson while zesting a lemon will be sure to win over the ladies.

31. Portion Control Bowl
Your type “A” loved one will bliss out knowing exactly how much is going down the hatch.

30. Inflatable Turkey
Want to impress your loved one but don’t have any kitchen skills? A couple of lung-fulls of hot air will do the trick.

29. Whiskey Stones
Coals in your stocking at Christmas and rocks in your cocktail for Valentine’s Day. WTF?

28. Breakfast Floss
Want to make breakfast in bed but can’t fry an egg? Here’s the perfect solution, and calorie-free too.

27. Beer Pong Costume
You may be too old for the “I’m so drunk, let’s fuck” crowd, but at least you can pretend.

26. Smart Cookie Fortune Teller
Is true love in your future? Now you can find out without the cardboard aftertaste.

25. Molecular Cuisine Starter Kit
Do you think Wylie Dufresne is hot? Seduce your own lover: molecular gastronomy-style. Mutton chops required.

24. Juvenile Delinquent Mints
Now your date can have fresh breath even if he’s from the wrong side of the tracks.

23. Donation to the Food Bank For New York City
Love a stranger by supporting one of the largest emergency food programs in the country.

22. Cotton Candy Maker
Candy hearts are so 5th grade. Class it up with some pink fluff instead.

21. Twirling Spaghetti Fork
Re-enact Lady and the Tramp and save your energy for after dinner.

20. Fridge Patrol
If you think a few extra pounds are coming between you and your true love, here’s your answer.

19. Quick Milk Magic Straws
And you thought cocaine was a fun way to get the night going.

18. Automatic Composter
Oedipal complex with Mother Earth? Here’s your solution.

17. Cathy’s Cookbook
If the perpetually single comic heroine Cathy can hook a man, so can you by following one of her easy recipes.

16. Cheese Curds
They look a lot better on a buffet than on your thighs.

15. Rotating Drink Dispenser
Feeling Tom Cruiseish and can’t decide on your sexuality or what to drink? We’ve got you covered.

14. NibMor Chocolate
You can go the classic route even if your  sweetheart is a raw vegan.

13. Good Commons
Take your loved one on a foodie destination to one of the premier boutique retreat centers in the Northeast.

12. Nulo Pet Food
Is Fido or Whiskers your one true love? Spoil them with this all-natural product from foodies who are revolutionizing how we feed our pets.

11. Pansy Can
More romantic than cracking a Bud Light (sunshine not included).

10. Long Island Bluepoint Oysters
Long known to be an aphrodisiac, now you can have them delivered to your door.

9. Chocolate-Opoly
For couples who sleep in two single beds.

8. Corn Stripper
Add a boa and you’ll be the next Gypsy Rose Lee.

7. Silly Feet Baking Cups
For the foot-fetish baker in your life.

6. Baby Food Maker
Be careful what you wish for, or you may end up cooking for three.

5. Stay Fresh Containers
Unless you’re in Italy, stinky isn’t sexy — for you or your food.

4. Slow Cooker
Sometimes it’s best to take it slow.

3. Chocolate Shooter
Take a bump, courtesy of Dominique Persoone and The Chocolate Line.

2. Inner Truth Message Mugs
Total honesty is the hardest part of a relationship. Let your coffee mug do it for you.

1. Apple Pro Peeler
Adam and Eve may have never left the Garden of Eden…

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3 Responses leave one →
  1. February 9, 2011

    thanks to this i was craving gummi bears all night last night. well, and thanks to the diet, i’m guessing :/

  2. February 9, 2011

    Thanks for the amusing post! I enjoyed seeing the fun and new ideas for gifts. I really like the Inflatable Turkey and The Knife Holder. Magic Straws are fun anytime and every time I get mine from tiddleewinks If you haven’t tried them yet your missing out :)

  3. February 11, 2011

    I want everything on this list! You guys are too funny!

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