Friday Fuck Ups: Not-So-Easy Mac
So I know you all have this idealized foodie image of yours truly that starts with me waking up each day and whipping up a perfect batch of eggs florentine with a side of thick-cut pork belly and a few slices of passion fruit. No? OK, maybe just an idealized version of myself. But believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I cooked way less and drank way more. That time was called college. Well, and a few years after college, to be honest.
Back in those days, my favorite-favorite hungover 11 a.m. breakfast was Easy Mac. Actually I always say Easy Mac but I should clarify that I was never pathetic enough to use the microwave kind; just the stovetop Kraft kind where you pour milk, butter and a scary orange cheese powder over macaroni. It’s disgusting. And amazing. There’s just something about fake cheese flavor that I can’t get enough of.
Moving on, a few Fridays back I awoke around nine to discover I was massively hungover after drinking something pathetic like four beers. WTF! Getting old sucks. I didn’t have much food around, but it wouldn’t have mattered if I’d had an extra batch of white truffle-hazelnut ravioli, because the only damn thing I wanted was easy mac…
Of course, I am now way too much of a food snob to allow myself to actually go out and buy some. Instead I figured that I have to be talented enough by now to make my own, slightly less disturbing version, right? I had some mini-shells on hand, so I went for it.
Following what I thought was gonna be a pretty simple cheesy, creamy sauce recipe, I melted some butter and a little bit of milk over low heat on a saucepan. After it simmered for a bit and got a little thick, I grated some mozzarella cheese in and stirred. Now I know this is not exactly how you make cream sauce — most obviously, I probably should have used cream. But I was going with what I had on hand and I figured it did not have to be perfect on this occasion.
Perfect it was not. As soon as I added the cheese, the “sauce” completely separated and I was left with a few globs of gluey cheese floating in a sea of milky piss-butter. It was gross.
This is what I ate. I was not a happy hungover 27-year-old. Where did I go wrong? Is there a way I could have saved this not-so-easy mac? God, I’m pained all over again just looking at this crap.
Effed up a meal lately? Don’t be ashamed, be a star! Send your Friday Fuck Ups to ES!