A Winning Party: The ES Election Night Guide

OK… making sure that my emergency pack is all ready. Let’s see…there’s a flashlight, batteries, aspirin (gonna need those), vodka, bourbon, party poppers and a large crying towel. Oh, and 2-song CD—got the Bee Gees “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart” and Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” Alright! I’m set. Bring on Election Night!

In the wake of recent disasters I’ve been more proactive in regards to preparing for my survival against future mood-altering situations of a political nature. Too many times in the past I’ve been caught totally off guard, and I either didn’t have enough liquor or I forgot to pin my Bails Bond card inside my jacket. But this time I’ve got a new plan! I’m hosting the Election Night shindig at my place and I’m all prepared. Got the checklist right here—Portable storage pod? Check! Rental furniture? Check! My furniture and personal items outside in the pod? Check! Neighbors warned and bribed? Check! Everyone taking a cab to my house? Check! Food, booze and entertainment ordered? Check, check and double check!

Voting for the next leader of our country can be a painful thing to do when it’s this evenly divided. Half of us ain’t gonna like the outcome, which can kill the mood of a party real quick. That’s why THIS time I’ve got it all figured out:

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