Battle of the Corkscrew…Part I




Since we’re now grown up, we took a different route for New Year’s Eve. Fancy-shmancy dinner out, then drinking at home with some friends. Of the elite, mature, grown-up group was ML and her main squeeze. Fiancée and I have gotten to know them pretty well, and lucky for them we now live closer together. We even popped his Brazilian steakhouse cherry. But I digress. The most you need to know is that he likes to talk smack. And THIS is where it begins.

As we were all getting ready to leave, he says “OH, look at you—an electric wine opener, you must think you’re effing fantastic.” (of course I may/may not/may be exaggerating here) The electric wine opener was a gift from the future sister-in-law and we were looking forward to trying it. Our feelings were demolished, the solid relationship we’ve created with ML’s squeeze was emotionally damaged and we were highly offended. How dare he. Words were thrown across the room and finally, we realized—this calls for a battle.

Which wine tool would work better? The classic wine key that they use at the restaurants and has taken most of us years of college to realize how to actually use? Or is the electric opener that literally requires you to push one button? I’ll let you decide before I explain the “part I” piece. Judges…see below:

Yes…it looks like the hand-cranked wine key won. However what you don’t see is my foil cutter owning it. Also, ML’s squeeze has had years of practice when he was a waiter in a restaurant. This was my first time. See, the problem was that I repeatedly hit the “down” button and then the “up” button. I thought once the cork went down, you hit the up button. Turns out you hold the down button until the cork comes out. The up button is only to get rid of the cork. Therefore, we need another battle…now that we both know how to use our weapons. There WILL be another battle. And I WILL win. Get your favorite wine key…I’m comin’ at you, brah.

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  • ML February 10, 2014  

    what the fuck are you going to do with that thing on a desert island when it isn’t charged? BE SOBER.

  • Neil February 11, 2014  

    Of course, the waiter’s corkscrew shown is the wonderfully advanced version, not the one we grew up with in college. This one has a double lever action allowing two different leverage points, and making pulling a cork a breeze.
    At least you didn’t lose to a wing-style with a central core (instead of a helical screw):-)
    Still, enjoy the electric one! (But head to Trader Joe’s and buy a couple of their excellent — and cheap — waiter’s corkscrews for when the battery isn’t charged, and there’s a power cut!

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