How Not to Fuck-Up Dessert

Stop. Do not preheat the oven. Do not bring out a mixing bowl. No spatula required. No fucking recipe that doesn’t lend itself to substitutions.

Just three pretty, small bowls. Fill each bowl with a different no-bake ingredient. Use up that cursed bag of white chocolate chips. And those splurge-purchased peanut butter chips, yup, they’ll work too. Chocolate covered coffee beans–can’t go wrong. And just serve.

Just serve.

Experiment with different combinations. Experiment in your mouth, that is. Try two white chocolate chips and one peanut butter chip and let them slowly melt on your tongue. Eat all three very fast. Put a coffee bean on one side of your mouth and a white chocolate chip on the other. Switch. Let a white chocolate chip dissolve from the heat of your mouth, then add a peanut butter chip, then quickly bite down on a coffee bean. It’s a trial in patience. Can you keep your jaws from clamping down on the sweetness.

It’s all so illicit. Like licking batter from your boyfriends’ fingertips.

It’s so simple. So indulgent. You’ll forget that you never even turned on the oven?

And happy birthday, 80P!