Bad Bites

It’s true. Wedding invitations DO get lost in them mail. And when I was the victim of an invite sent to the wrong address, I realized I had to be in Elkins, otherwise known as the ‘heart of west Virginia‘, in one week.

So I packed up a last minute dress, a cute date, and an excitement for a taste of small town life. Little did I know that wasn’t the only thing I would be tasting. I was introduced to the strangest food concoction: Alfredo Bites.

We found these edible oddities at CJ Mackeys in the ‘downtown’ district of Elkins, which, well, only had the fine dining establishment: CJ Mackeys. I wondered if that meant this CJM was the ventricle of the heart of West Virginia.

CJ Mackeys is comparable to any establishment that serves appetizers ending in ‘poppers’ or ‘trio.’ Upon getting our 2 liter sized Cokes, we glanced at the 56 page menu, where the side dishes alone ran 3 pages. But the term “Alfredo Bites” stood out amongst the taters and Caesar salad.

I asked Billie Jean (I’m not kidding it’s the first one I’ve ever met) what they were. “Well I don’t know whut they are,” she said, “but e’erybuddy seems to get ’em!” That was enough for me.

What could these elusive “Alfredo Bites” possibly be? Maybe individual pasta stuffed with Alfredo sauce and a variety of vegetables. Maybe baked toasts with Alfredo cheese pasta and garlic? As I sat back and imagined what these gourmet goodies could be, a dish containing something that looked like fried hard tack hit the table.

These things were disgusting. Imagine dry Alfredo pasta, portioned into individual bricks and fried for 3 days. A squirt of Velveeta was added on top as garnish.

Bottom line: Tasty culinary adventure isn’t in Elkins, West Virginia.

Photo: Pinch’s cell phone