Man-Whore Bars: Chocolate-Chip-Oreo-Peanut-Butter-Cup-Rice-Krispie-Treat-Chocolate-Ganache

I realize I’ve been a bit MIA, but lets make-up. To start, I bring you Man-Whore Bars. Remember Slutty Brownies? Well these guys make those look downright prude. These bars are appropriately named since they contains 4 desserts in one–2 cookies (chocolate chip and Oreos); candy (Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups); rice krispie treats; and chocolate ganache—plus more chocolate chip cookies for a final sprinkling.

Man Whore Bars from Endless Simmer

Damn, right? I thought so.

Now more importantly, I’m on a mission to mainstream these like Jessica Simpson did for the Slutty Brownies on Katie Couric’s show. Which by the way, I birthed the cousin to those slut brownies with these Slutty Cheesecake Bars—seriously damaging stuff. But this–this, might be my all-time favorite over-the-top bar and the follow-up to the slutties.

So can I ask you guys a  favor? {lease make these, pass them around and proudly refer to them as Man-Whores Bars, because maybe then they will reach Ryan Gosling who can then explain them to Katie.

Ah, you guys are fantastic. I’m so glad to be back, now let’s get busy and make some bars.

Man-Whore Bars

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The Runaway Cupcake

cupcake

OK, so we all now know I am the world’s worst cupcake froster, but the rustic look was actually all good because the party we went to this weekend was “hobohemian” themed (yes, my life is basically one extended episode of Portlandia.)

Anyway, the gf had a genius idea for saving our hobo cupcakes (which, by the way, were The Toasted Sprinkle’s delicious bourbon vanilla cupcakes with chocolate buttercream). We decorated each one with a bindle, so that the cupcakes itself could look like an old-school hobo (or a would-be runaway child). They’re easy to make.

1) Break a kebab stick into thirds

2) Cut out square pieces off your most hobo-esque scrap fabric

3) Wrap each one around one or two mini marshmallows

4) Cut some string and wrap up yo’ bindle.

No actual hobos were harmed in the making of this cupcake.

Healthiest Chocolate Bar Ever?

In my neverending quest to find weird, wacky candies, I unearthed something surprisingly healthy last weekend: a quinoa chocolate bar!

QuinoaDarkChocolate

Weird, right? They had it in the artisan chocolate section at my Central Market (which is basically the Texas local version of Whole Foods). I just had to buy it ($4.29) because I love quinoa, but also because I knew it would enrage the resident ES quinoa haters. In your face, haters! Made by Alter Eco Foods, this candy bar is objectively good. Seriously, if you didn’t know the crispy bits were quinoa, you’d just think it was a dark chocolate Krackel bar or something.

In all honesty, you’re probably not reaping more benefits from this bar than you would from any other dark chocolate (it has 2g of protein per serving, I don’t think that’s shockingly beneficial), but whatever—I like to pretend I’m being super healthy and responsible when munching on this bad boy. Plus it’s organic! What more do you need? Basically I just lost 5 pounds, lowered my cholesterol, and got my week’s worth of fiber by trying this new candy.*

*No, I didn’t, but whatever.

Resolving to Make My Own Gin

Everything is DIY these days. People brew their own beer. Urban farmers with backyard chicken coops and beehives are multiplying exponentially…or at least, here in Austin they are. It was only a matter of time before Americans took certain matters into their own hands and started distilling their own homemade liquors as well.

Luckily for us agriculturally-challenged folks, the dudes at the Homemade Gin Kit have our backs. No Boardwalk Empire bathtub swill for us in 2013! Instead, you can send away for a big box packed with (almost) everything you need to create your very own bottle of gin. For $40 plus tax and shipping, they’ll send you juniper berries, a mix of botanicals, spices, and flowers, two glass swing top liquor bottles, a double mesh fine strainer, a funnel, and detailed instructions. All you need to have is your own bottle of mid-grade vodka, and a little bit of patience.

I was fortunate enough to score a sample of the Gin Kit before it was released to the public this holiday season, and I’ll be honest: while the idea of making my own booze was undeniably appealing, I was a liiiiiittle bit skeptical. Could I really make gin just by throwing some dried herbs into a bottle of vodka? Also, I’m pretty picky about gin quality (unlike boxed wine or  well vodka, I actually have standards when it comes to gin, because the cheap stuff makes me nauseous)—would this creation even be up to my standards?

Well, if anyone was up for the challenge of finding out, it was THIS GIRL.

Here’s what came out of my kit:

homemadeginkit

Here you can see all the supplies I listed above (plus my own bottle of Vikingfjord Vodka, which is pretty good, and a steal at $10ish!) The equipment is all high-quality stuff—-the glass bottles are really nice and sturdy, and the strainer and funnel are solid as well. I will definitely add these to permanent rotation in my kitchen tool collection.

Anyway, the process is pretty simple. You add some of the juniper to the vodka bottle, wait a day-ish, add the rest of the botanicals, wait longer, than strain out all the crud and funnel the remaining liquid into the glass bottles. Ta-da, gin! The process of making the gin itself took about a weekend (as in, spending 5-10 minutes on each step, every other part was just waiting) and it was fun and exciting. I guess the excitement factor depends on how thrilled you get about booze, but we all know how I feel about that.

Here’s me fulfilling my destiny with the last part of the process, funneling the gin into its final home:

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Hungry for More

I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news; according to the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), in the highly coveted world competition among developed countries to see which nation is the most obese, the world-class leader is once again (drum roll please),….the United States of America! Our entire country is 30.6 percent obese, which just crushes second place Mexico, trailing us at a paltry 24.2 percent. Mexico is 4 to 5 percent fatter than they were last year and they still couldn’t keep up with us! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Now for the bad news; even though there are 1.6 billion overweight and obese people in the entire world, we’re only number one in obese individuals–not overweight ones. There is a difference between overweight and obese. To be overweight you must have a Body Mass Index over 25. To be considered obese your BMI has to be over 30 and morbid obesity is over 40. The rest of the world can’t match our BMIs over 30 and 40, but when it comes to the over 25 BMI group–the merely ‘overweight’–we come in a pathetic ninth place.

I know. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Even if you wrap it in bacon and pour sugar on it. Only 74.1 percent of our nation is overweight compared to 94.5 percent of the country of Nauru, which is the world’s smallest island nation with a population under 100,000. Man, they smoked us! How can their Mango Papaya Sherbet and Coconut Crusted Fish compete with our Krispy Kremes and Quarter Pounders?

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Miniature Wine at a Miniature Price

Just when I think I’ve experienced all the wonders wine has to offer, it continues to astound and excite me. Enter: Copa Wine. I was at my local grocery store, grabbing some cheap-ish white wine to use in a recipe (actually, in the Sage Butter Chowder I shared recently) when I noticed a very intriguing new display in the booze section:

Copa Di Vino, or wine by the glass, is the brilliantly simple idea of bottling premium wine directly into a glass. Wine lovers can now drink delicious, quality wine from an attractive, eco-friendly, single-serving container. Just peel back the lid and enjoy!

I was a bit suspicious of these claims at first. Even though the display board proudly screamed that it “Tastes Great!” how good can a mini-bottle (or… cup?) of wine be if it only costs $2.99? Especially if it boasts a peel-back aluminum lid? “Really, though,” I thought, “who am I to judge?” And with that, I tossed a Copa Cabernet Sauvignon into my cart, determined to get to the bottom of this new and exhilarating product.

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