Eats of Glory: Top Ten Olympic Foods

5. Jamba Juice Peanut Butter Chocolate Moo’d

Photo: Enkrates

It’s so great when you’re responsible enough to skip the snack bar and just get a healthy juice instead, right? But you gotta get some protein, eh? Let’s add some peanut butter in there. Ooh, and just a little bit of chocolate. OK, a crapload of chocolate. Now just put it in a cup bigger than my head and I’ll be all set to go. What a great, healthy snack. I wonder why my pants just ripped.

Estimated Carbs: 180 g

4. Potato Pierogies

Photo: Pittsburgh MetBlog Pics

OK, fine, maybe we Americans didn’t upgrade Italian pasta the best. You gotta hand it to the Poles. Or the Ukrainians. Or the Jews. A lot of people take credit for the humble pierogi, but whoever really invented it truly deserves some praise. Take a pasta-like substance, stuff it with mashed potatoes and fry it up. Now that is some hot carb-in-carb action.

Estimatd Carbs: 200 g

3. Bronze Medal: Bloomin’ Onion

Photo: JustJOOOOlie

Everyone knows that breading and deep-frying foods is the very best thing you can do to them. But the problem is, it’s so hard to get enough breading on things. I mean, you bread a chicken cutlet and it’s still like 90 percent chicken. I wanna turn every food into fried bread, goddamit! Well the genius folks at Outback Steakhouse didn’t let that get in the way. The took an onion and breaded every last little crevice of it. Mmm…fried loaf of bread with onion-y taste. Brilliant.

Estimated Carbs: 240 g

2. Silver Medal: Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes

Photo: Cheesecake Factory

Everyone loves Mexican food, and everyone also loves cake. So why not just combine the two? Only The Cheesecake Factory would have the balls to do this. Their specialty menu item bears very little resemblance to traditional Mexican tamales, and might be more accurately described as “sugar-flour-corn pie” topped with “southwestern sauce” (read: sugary mayo). Weighing in at one of the carb-iest meals around, this dessert-for-dinner dish takes the torta.

Estimated Carbs: 300 g

1. Gold Medal: Deep Fried Coke

Photo: WRALFlickr1

Oh, Texas State Fair, something told me you were gonna come through on this one. Only you could take the sugariest substance on earth –coke– and do what? Take the water out of it and fry that hotness! To make fried coke, a concoction of Coca-Cola fountain syrup and gooey batter is deep fried, blotted with a paper towel (kidding!), topped with whip cream and cherries, and doused in even more Coca-Cola syrup. Beijing, here we come.

Estimated Carbs: Too damn many.

Next: #10 – 6 Olympic Foods

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