Friday Fuck Up: The Failed Unitasker and Nuclear Peppers

Maybe they were just doomed from the start.

My mom’s colleague in Texas sent us this pepper holder for the grill. I went over for dinner last night and she decided we’d try it out with some grilled jalapeno poppers. She cored the jalapenos (with the jalapeno corer) and stuffed the peppers with manchego cheese.

What you can’t see in the picture is how many times the damn things fell out of the holder. First, my dad put it on the grill the wrong way, so the legs of the holder fell through the grates and the peppers went everywhere.

Even after that though, every time we moved it, another one tumbled down onto the grill. All three of us kept scrambling to pick them up before the cheese melted onto the grates. As soon as one went in, another would fall out. We chalked this up to the peppers being too big for the holder (TWSS?) or our Pennsylvanian inability to figure out this device.

We left it on the grill for 30 minutes and the peppers remained pretty crunchy. I tried one and my mouth was on fire, like, running into the kitchen to drink milk out of the carton, on fire. We gave up on the grill and put them on a baking sheet in a 400 degree oven for another 20 minutes.

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An Ode to a Clear Kitchen

It’s hard for me to say anything but “NO” when I see this gadget. How could there be anything more unnecessary than a banana slicer?

We pack our lives with things and stuff. And things and stuff. And things and stuff. The kitchen is the recipient of many of our purchases, from the crucial cast iron pot to the you’ll-use-it-once Dough-Nu-Matic Automatic Dougnut Machine. I scroll through friends’ wedding registries knowing the happy couple will never use half the knives in their over-priced set. And of course that famed waffle maker will never leave its box. Maybe for their first anniversary, a cute breakfast-in-bed, but then it will lead a lonely life in the corner of a dark closet.

And then there’s this fucking thing. This Bananza. Calling to our desire for a quick fix. For an easy way out. This device won’t help you eat more bananas. It won’t help you lose weight. You’ll realize this device isn’t any easier than using a knife. This device will clog up your drawer just like the avocado slicer and pitter. This device will remind you that stuff is just stuff. And more stuff doesn’t create anything but a mess.

And no, my lovely boyfriend, this doesn’t mean I won’t come home from my trip to Seattle without more items to fill the kitchen. I just bought apple smoked fleur de seul, in fact. But I thought writing this ode to a clear kitchen might ease the pain of new friends coming back with me.