Katt Kasper - - Page 8

by Katt Kasper

Dandelions and Butterfly Kisses (aka Flowers and Grass)

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I could be considered a ‘Health Nut.’ I was thinking about tweaking my daily diet, but after reviewing my normal eating habits I believe that I am one fit MoFo. For instance, my morning vodka smoothies are always packed full of vibrant, fresh, locally grown fruit. And whenever I eat out at a restaurant I always order a side dish of steamed vegetables. This provides me with extra fiber, vitamins and minerals, and a moist place to extinguish my cigarettes. And after the work day is done, I feel that I am the Jack LaLanne of Happy Hour. No greasy hot wings or fat-laden dips for me. I stay with the simple heart-healthy olive. Two are conveniently provided in each low-calorie martini, and I’ve been told that there are times during the course of the evening that I’ll have consumed over twelve of these little Mediterranean medicine balls. (I don’t really recall this, but then I’ve never been good with numbers).

So after my ‘Health Nut’ self-realization, I decided to seek out and experience the next level of the healthy food lifestyle which I affectionately refer to as the ‘All Natural-Organic Health Fanatic.’ We all know someone in this category. It’s the person who does squats while talking on the phone, doesn’t eat ‘red’ meat and always asks the waiter if the tuna salad is ‘dolphin safe.’ I asked to be introduced to this lifestyle by my friend Robin who would rather fast for thirty days than eat anything that wasn’t organically grown. Plus, she’s got a great rack…er, a great rack of Self-Help books that I occasionally borrow. Robin happily agreed to escort me through her typical day of ‘health driven’ meals (her term, not mine).

Freaks and Philosophers

I’ve recently discovered that alcohol brings out the philosopher in some, the freak in others. After a long night of tasting and comparing the virtues of different single-barrel bourbons with a small group of friends, the discussion turned to favorite erotic movie scenes, and then onto which past or present celebrity we’d like to spend an active evening with. After we debated each individual’s choice, one of my freaks…err, friends came up with the following philosophical question: If you could go all American Pie on one dessert, what would it be?

Yeah, that was a show stopper for sure, but after we all acted out our best “Oh, that’s disgusting!” response, the bourbon kicked in and a heated round table discussion ensued. The women, it should be noted, requested to use produce instead of dessert items, but we made them adhere to the dessert protocol.

The following is a list of our top five desserts for both the men and women in my twisted little group. I’ve added my own highly researched opinion of the type of person or personality that would be likely to choose each selection.

For the men:

#1. Warm cherry pie (High school virgin)
#2. Two, deep-dish fruit pies (A pie threesome? Bragger/Porn star wannabe)
#3. Cream-filled sponge cake (I’m assuming the cake was filled with cream prior to the act, so I’ll say someone who has been in a long-term relationship)
#4. A large Jell-O mould (Possible necrophiliac)
#5. Freshly baked tunnel-of-fudge cake (I’m not even going to comment on THIS one)

For the women:

Friday Fuck-Up: Way Too Fiery Chicken

Editor’s Note: Bringing a bit more West Coast flavor to the blog, please welcome L.A.-based food fanatic Katt Kasper to the ES family.

Alright. It’s finally Friday and all you want to do is make it to the end of this brutal workweek without going postal on one of your coworkers, or (dare you live the dream?), your boss. So there you are, trying to forget the week, eating that ‘special’ meal in your favorite restaurant and you think to yourself, “How did they make this sauce sooooo velvety and smooth? And what’s that back taste? White pepper and thyme in heavy cream and butter, or it that a traditional roux?” I mean, how do you solve this puzzle without enrolling at the Cordon Bleu or bribing the chef? I’ve got the secret. There’s this thing called (are you ready?), the INTERNET. And it’s all there, baby. Shopping lists, cooking techniques, recipe breakdowns, how-to cooking videos…it’s endless! And I’m not talking about easy things like tomato based spaghetti sauces, or a thousand different ways to cook the perfect hamburger. What I’m talking about is a dish that you know nothing about but has rocked your world and somebody already knows how to make it! So let’s try it.

I started writing this piece while I was out of town on business in Oakland, California and I was taken into the town of Alameda to eat at a Burmese restaurant called Burma Superstar. Now I like my food spicy and hot and I wasn’t disappointed when I ordered their “Fiery Chicken with Tofu” which was a wok tossed chicken breast cooked with tofu, string beans, red bell peppers, and basil in a five spice hot and sweet sauce. When I ordered it I said “Heavy on the fire!” and I received mixed looks of horror and concern from the wait staff. When my plate arrived it looked awesome, and the pungent chili vapors made my vision blurry and nose run even before I took my first bite. Man, was it good! Spicy, savory and (as I unfortunately found out the next morning), hotter going out than coming in. THIS was a dish that I needed to learn to make!