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Friday Fuck Up: Terrine Tragedy

I was skeptical. But I thought, yeah, this would be cool. Mini terrines. First layer, lobster. Second layer, crab. Third layer, poached salmon. Fourth layer, roasted red peppers…why? Why the hell not? The gelatin to hold it all together was made with the salmon poaching liquid of vegetable stock and white wine. I made sure the thing was properly seasoned and threw in some herbs. I was thinking #1, would this hold together? And #2 would this actually taste good?

#1: Yes, it did hold together. It held together quite nicely. It held together like a can of cat food that slides right out exposing the layer of nasty gelatin on top of the stinky meat mold. I couldn’t get that wet cat food sucking noise out of my head while standing there staring at my terrine fuck up. Meow.

#2: No. Oh, no, no. It did not taste good. Chef was lucky enough to have the first taste. And when I picked up my fork to try a bit, he encouraged me to take a smaller bite. Oh boy, that’s when you know you’ve fucked up. I’m not really sure what went wrong. It was like seafood with seafood flavored jelly. Perhaps I should have brought it home to the cat. I’m sure she would have torn the hell out of this gelatinous seafood carnage. So, I accidentally made cat food. No big deal.

“How did the terrine turn out?” asked a coworker. “Um, it just…it just isn’t good. And it accidentally fell in the trash.” Oops. But the terrine has not heard the last from me. In other words, please help ESers! How do I redeem myself?!

in Fish 1 comments

by forkitude

Texts From Thanksgiving

Have you ever wanted to eavesdrop on someone’s Thanksgiving? Well, here’s your chance. Two of our ES contributors give you their Thanksgiving text-a-thon. We’d also like to hear about your texts from Thanksgiving. Especially those after dessert drunk texts. Those are our favorite.

ML: My gravy won’t thicken. What the fucking fuck.

forkitude: Really? Reduce, reduce. You could make some roux real fast by melting butter in a sauce pan and adding flour and then add it to the gravy.

ML: I’m planning on it. I feel mentally retarded.

forkitude: Maybe you should have purchased “How To Repair Food.” Big mistake.
ML: Oh man. I bet that’d tell me how to fix gravy.
forkitude: Too bad.
ML: It didn’t work. This is a mystery of science.
forkitude: WTF?? Friday Fuck Up?
ML: Uh yeah. I even tried cornstarch. And nada.
forkitude: Just call it jus and you’re golden.
ML: It will still sadly be the best tasting thing on the table.
forkitude: Oh noooo….
ML: My parents and I just had our pre thanksgiving meal so we wouldn’t be hungry later. Oh, my family.
forkitude: My grandma just said she wants ice in her wine… And now the political discussions start. Just shoot me now.
ML: My grandma will be drinking out of the bottle.

forkitude: OMG kill me. Why do we have to debate about the homeless?
ML: I’m discussing sushi with an 8-year-old.

forkitude: Wow that is insanity. My dinner was the shiznit.
ML: I’d like to eat soon? But we keep blowing fuses.
forkitude: Well at least everyone is full from the pre dinner. OMG..my mom’s man friend with an earring and a motorcycle is coming for dessert. This should be interesting.
ML: Yesss.
forkitude: My aunt talking about Mormons: “Well why would you ever want to have sex if you couldn’t have coffee in the morning and drink before you do it?” Priceless.

Artsy Photo Of The Day

If ham were a drug, I would be in detox.

in Photos / Pig 1 comments

by forkitude

Artsy Photo Of The Day

Man vs. Croque Madame

in Cheese / Photos / Pig / Sandwich 1 comments

by forkitude

In Over My Head

WARNING: MAY BE REVOLTING AND NAUSEATING.

For me, the kitchen is a constant place of learning. It’s why I love it. When Chef told me we would be purchasing a whole, fresh, organic pig from a local farm for fabrication I thought it would be a great learning experience. When I was given the challenge of figuring out what to do with the head, the learning was elevated to a whole new level. This is way beyond egg day in culinary school. This is the head of an animal. What the hell. For a semi-vegetarian, this would be an adventure.

Upon googling pig head recipes, I found out that one could do a few things with a pig’s head. I watched a video on cooking a pig’s head. I ran into a recipe for pork brawn using the snout and eyes that made me queasy looked delicious. I was inspired by a woman named Carol who attempted the torchon from Thomas Keller’s French Laundry cookbook. And then the pig head arrived.

What The Hell Is A Damson?

I sometimes buy things because I don’t know what the hell they are. It’s palate education. My friend Julia Child says you should always be educating. Never let your palate go slack. Don’t get comfortable with peanut butter & jelly and Cheerios. From Julia’s Menu Cookbook:

Eat out. Drink good wine. It doesn’t have to be often, but your palate becomes dulled if you go too long without stimulus or without quality. That’s when an otherwise excellent cook will begin to overseason.

Thanks, Julia. Overseasoning, bad. Tasting lots of shit, good.

Enter damson. No, not daaaamn son! but damson: a purple oval fruit; a subspecies of the plum tree. It can also be used as a descriptor for red wines. OK, I like it even more. And given my Czech heritage, at some point I would love to get my hands on this fermented damson they speak of called slivovitz for an evening of drunken shenanigans palate education.

I ran into this ($7 jar) of damson jam at a small specialty grocery. For today’s lesson, we will spread this lovely damson on some strong, soft cheese as the label suggests. Damson + Brie = ahhmazing. Try it.