Ok, fine, it may not be artsy, but who wants artsy on a lazy summer afternoon anyway?

And, hey kids, Happy 4th (and BS’ bday!) We’re taking the day off tomorrow. You should too. But if you want some drinking inspiration, check here first.

Legend has it that one day at the height of his powers in the early 1960s, pro golfer Arnold Palmer was at the Cherry Hills Country Club in Cherry Hills, Colorado for one reason or another. Reportedly, Palmer asked one of the bartenders to mix him a special drink, the ingredients of which must have been so gauche that the Tom Cruise-wannabe behind the bar initially refused to sully his Boston shaker with the likes. At this, Palmer allegedly became so incensed with the mixologist’s cheek that he flew into a mild rage, threatened to get snooty, and, if his request was further denied, promised to get downright snotty.

Blanching at the prospects of facing down a murderously thirsty PGA Master and his posse, the barman wisely caved and quickly built Palmer’s beverage: a tall glass of ice, filled halfway with lemonade, and topped off with iced tea.

The drink has since earned the reputation of being the black-and-tan of the country club, the virgin Queen of 19th hole quaffers, and to this day, such a mixture is still known colloquially as an “Arnold Palmer.” Most barkeeps will know what you want when you order one by name, although some restaurant waitstaff may fix you with a funny look, since it is kind of a fusty old drink; something for teetotalers or closet lushes who want to keep their vice on the down-low. And while it hasn’t stopped marketers from pushing pre-packaged versions onto the masses, at least it comes with a readymade practical joke:

Safeway: Thanks for calling Safeway, your neighborhood grocery store, can I help you?
me: I just have a quick question. Do you have Arnold Palmer in a can?
Safeway: Why, yes. Yes, we do.

Translating a refreshing summer beverage into a dowdy baked good may seem like an exercise in pointlessness, but a cupcake has no points to begin with, so…

Arnold Palmer Cupcakes

I adapted this recipe from one posted at BitterSweet.

Wet Team A:

• 1 cup soymilk
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice, divided

Wet Team B:

• 1/3 cup canola oil
• 2/3 cup granulated sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 teaspoon almond extract

Dry Team:

• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup whole wheat flour
• 1/2 cup instant unsweetened iced tea mix
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon lemon zest

Preheat your oven to 350° F and line a muffin tin with paper liners.

Whisk the soymilk and one tablespoon of the lemon juice together and set aside to curdle for at least 10 minutes.

Sift the flour, iced tea mix, baking powder, baking soda and salt together.

Instant iced tea mix is used here because it imparts a stronger tea flavor to offset the astringent sweetness of the lemon frosting. An alternate method would be to bring the soymilk to a simmer and steep four tea bags in it for 10 minutes, then letting it cool completely before adding the lemon juice. The dry goods would also need to be adjusted; increase the total flour to 1 /1/3 cups and the sugar to 3/4 cup. The steeped soymilk will produce a more subtle tea flavor and a lighter colored crumb.

In a separate bowl, whisk together the sugar, oil, extracts and remaining lemon juice, then add the soymilk mixture and combine.

Add the dry goods into the wet, and stir by hand just to combine. This batter will be very fluffy and full of air, so take care not to overmix or else it’ll flatten out and get gummy. Fold in the lemon zest at the very end.

Divide the batter evenly into the muffin tin, filling the cups a little over three-quarters of the way up. Bake for 18 to 22 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of a cupcake comes out clean. Cool in the tin for 5 minutes, then de-pan and cool completely on a cooling rack.

Frost with lemonade buttercream: make a batch of Mother Buttercream Frosting, adding in two teaspoons of fresh lemon juice and a tablespoon of fresh lemon zest. A few drops of yellow food coloring helps with the lemony illusion. Dust with extra iced tea mix.

Just in case you didn’t get the gist before, I’m in a zucchini-garam masala contest. The “foodie fight” results come through on Thursday so be sure to vote today for um, endless simmer, the best dish. (Did I use strike-thru the right way?)

PS–I made this awesome* pesto* with the leftovers: parsley, chickpeas, roasted garlic, lemon, oil, salt, pepper, done and done.

The 2nd installment of my two-part series on strange looking food.

Back in April Nick from Macheesmo invited me to judge the first in a series of virtual cooking contests. Of course I was pumped to review bloggers’ attempts to create something interesting with potatoes and lemons, but I wanted to be on the other side.

Last week I was picked to be in this month’s fight. It’s a very simple duel, use two ingredients and make something awesome. That’s it. Except when one of the ingredients is something I’ve never worked with before: garam masala. (Zucchini is my favorite summer vegetable, so I was pretty excited to use it.)

I’ve messed around with curry a ton, but only a pre-mixed, commercial curry powder. I never really thought about making my own, of course until now. And I was seriously close to buying one, but just leaving another challenge that was all about using what’s on hand, I investigated my spice rack.

Using the link Nick provided for garam masala, I wrote down all of the ingredients that could possibly combine to create the spice blend. I then went to my kitchen and figured out I owned 11 of the spices and seeds.

Fuck it, I’m making my own.

Zucchini and Chickpea Spring Rolls with Garam Masala Dipping Sauce

I’m not an educated, trained cook. I really just make shit up. I blend culinary cultures like radio stations play MJ tributes. That is to say, yes, this dish is not authentic at all. But it’s totally fucking delicious, especially for summer. It’s light, takes advantage of seasonal produce and comes with a dipping sauce.

In a dry pan, toast whole peppercorns (I used black, white, pink and green), cumin seeds, cinnamon, coriander, turmeric, mustard seeds, dried red chili pepper, sesame seeds and caraway seeds.  Transfer to a mortar and pestle (can that be a verb?) the spices, crushing the whole seeds into pieces.

Pour the garam masala into a thick yogurt and stir to combine.

Slice zucchini into rounds, salt and pepper one side and place the seasoned side down in a hot oiled pan. Once browned in spots, flip the rounds over until softened, just a few minutes per side.

In the same pan that housed the spices, throw in canned chickpeas and let them brown and soften.

Pull some parsley leaves off a stem and thinly slice a scallion for the rest of the roll’s filling.

To work with the spring roll, soak it in hot water for about 15-30 seconds, or until pliable. Cut into quadrants and place two zucchini slices, three chickpeas, a parsley leaf a few scallion slices and pull the corners over top the filling and then tuck in the top and bottom to create a pillow of food.

Dip zucchini pillow into garam masala yogurt. The end.

Hey, like my zucchini and garam masala creation. Well, you should check out my competition. But then still vote for me, of course.

10. Irish Car Bomb

What? You thought this one was invented in Ireland? Yeah, by a leprechaun who needed something to pour over his Lucky Charms. In fact, this often-spilled, rather insensitive homage to the Emerald Isle’s Troubles was first concocted at Wilson’s Saloon in St. Norwich, Connecticut on St. Patrick’s Day, 1979. Only our most industrious country could produce minds bright enough to think “Hey, I can get drunk twice as fast if I just drop my shot right into my beer!” For the uninformed, a Car Bomb is equal parts Jameson Whiskey and Bailey’s Irish Cream, poured into a shot glass. Then you drop the shot into a pint of Guinness and chug the whole thing. Brilliant!

Honorable mentions: Sake bomb (pretty sure they don’t do this in Tokyo), and the Russian Boilermaker (surprise — not from Moscow).

(Photo: Penguin Bush)

9. Long Island Iced Tea

Looks so deceptively refreshing, doesn’t it? Only the most ridiculous place in all of America could loan its name to a drink that basically involves pouring everything behind the bar into one glass. For the record, a traditional Long Island is made from vodka, gin, tequila, rum, triple sec, sour mix and just a splash of cola. It tastes surprisingly un-revolting and (less surprisingly) makes you do some pretty stupid things after drinking it.

(Photo: Krscoci)

8. Venti Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino

It’s not dessert! It’s coffee! Riiiiight. Only Starbucks could convince the skinny jean wearing, yogalates practicing, yuppie women of America that it’s OK to buy a drink that has more calories than a bucket of lard. But if it’s served in a cup, it doesn’t count as food.

(Photo: Shiok or Not)

7. The Bacontini

If there’s one thing we Yanks do well, it’s obsession. And anyone who’s every met one of us can tell you there are two things we can’t stop talking about: getting effed up, and bacon. So it was only a matter of time before we combined our two loves into one outrageous, trend-ending drink. The bacontini, now appearing on every blog, and soon enough, every bar across the USA.

6. Exercise Beer

But what to do the morning after you wake up and realize you’ve consumed nine shots of vodka and half-a-pound of bacon? Obviously, that’s when you switch over to exercise beer. The latest trend in American brews is super-low calorie beers like MGD 64, Select 55, and Michelob Ultra, which is my favorite because the ads for it actually show people drinking beer and then exercising. Finally, a way to get wasted every night and still lose weight, because you wouldn’t want to do something as drastic as, say, drink a little less beer.

5. Pepsi Max

Speaking of our beer consumption, if you’ve ever wondered why American dudes insist on drinking the hoppy stuff so consistently, it’s because our non-alcoholic beverage options are so limited. Drinking soda will make you fat, and drinking diet soda, of course, will make you gay. Thank god the considerate folks over at Pepsi were wise enough to invent Pepsi Max, a sugar-free soda made just for males. I wouldn’t be caught dead drinking Diet Pepsi (how embarrassing!) But a new version of Diet Pepsi with twice as much caffeine, Xtreme packaging, and commercials where dudes get hit in the nuts? Sign me up!

4. Cosmopolitan

But stupid drinks aren’t just for dudes. We’ve got the 1980’s to thank for this one. Well, them and Minneapolis bartender Neal Murray, who realized there were plenty of gals (and sure, some guys) who wanted to look like they were drinking something suave, but didn’t want it to actually taste like a drink. And thus the birth of the candy-in-a-cup cocktail, and the reason why in half the bars you walk into nowadays, you can barely find anything on the mixed drink list that doesn’t start with something stupid and end in -tini. It’s all based on the idea that if you make the drink look pretty, people will pay you twice as much for it, which works out well for you, because it’s got half as much alcohol and twice as much fake candy flavor. Genius. Also, horrible.

3. Jell-O Shots

And of course there’s the drink designed for those for thought the Cosmopolitan was too sophisticated, too natural looking, and didn’t taste enough like candy. We suggest red, white and blue Jell-O shots this Independence Day.

(Photo: Forty Photographs)

2. Bottled Tap Water

OK, fine, the French may have been bottling their water to wash down their Turduckens for centuries, but at least they claim their shit is from magical springs or whatnot. Only in America could you turn something that falls from the sky on a regular basis into an $8-billion-a-year-industry. The best example has got to be the entrepreneur who recently thought to bottle New York City’s acclaimed tap water, and sell it in stores….in New York. Seriously, people?

1. Coca-Cola

What do you get when you mix sugar, phosphoric acid, coca leaf, kola nut, caffeine, caramel color, glycerin and some other flavors so much grosser than that they have to remain “secret?” Why, the most popular drink in the history of the  country of course! Pretty crazy that this is something we put in our bodies rather than use to clean rust off our cars. Oh wait, it can do that, too. Yum.

Previously: The Top 10 Foods Only America Could Have Invented

Sorry, but we had to do it. Have a great weekend.

offthemeathook:

They did a study awhile back on the effectiveness of chocolate milk vs. gatorade and the choc milk won out. It’s good. I think it’s because it coats your stomach and has sugar in it. It may work or it may be a placebo, who cares, I think it works!

erica:

kombucha… and fried eggs with kimchee. for some reason the combo of fried eggs and kimchee is perfect and delicious when hung over. fizzy spicy cabbage… i dunno, it works….and miso! I keep a tub at the office for just such occasions… ’cause i’m not going to fry an egg at work.

Breda:

A Bleat sandwich Aussie style- Avocados are in every single sandwich here you ES-ers will love to hear! So Bacon Lettuce (rocket - i know you guys call it something else I can’t remember the name) Egg Avocado Sandwich on toasted Sourdough with cilantro mayo served up with homemade lemonade! I actually don’t even need to be hungover to have this

And of course ES-ers chimed in on the very important issue of how to feed hummus to babies (anyone else think we’d never cover that one?)

Maids:

Romeo’s niece (who is 2) is really funny about it. Her mother serves her the hummus on blanched carrots. She takes the carrots and sucks the hummus off and double dips the cooked carrot stick back into the hummus. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t eat hummus on softened carrots either.

MonkeyBoy:

I grew up with veggies but MonkeyBaby just likes to go au naturel, finger only.
Plantain chips are nice, a good earthy flavor.

Finally, Khan (as in Wrath of) jumps on the bash New York foodies bandwagon:

OK, you are dead on. I do like cupcakes but for real its right up there with the girls and their “small dogs”.

All your other points dead on but you forgot 2 major ones 1. The whole “Old Timey/Country Farm” restaurant craze. enough already. The farm was never that romantic. I have never been to a farm where the farmer sits inside wrapping organically raised loin of pork with his hydroponicly grown, pesticide free Arctic Char. It’s this whole “Limousine Liberal” idea of the farm and rustic, that does not even exist in the “country” these people imagine. Have they been to Iowa? Not some ex-NYC firefighter living off his pension at age 42 “playing at farming” “upstate type farm.

2. The NYC food chainlets: The city prides itself on being “anti-chain” and yet, there has been a huge proliferation of “NYC-celebrity chef/mini-chains”. (BLT’s, Balthazars, Momofucko) Its a constant parade of chefs trotting out the same formulas with slightly different interiro designs. This is killing NYC creativity and vitality. So we are forced to then go to Brooklyn and endure the “Old Timey restaurant” plague…..

(Photo: Perfecto Insecto)

Editors Note: First of all, I can’t even handle this week. Nine dead from the DC Metro accident, then Ed McMahon, then Farrah Fawcett and now the King of Fucking Pop, Michael Jackson. Well, at least we can end the week on a lighter, well, okay, maybe that’s the wrong word, a sillier note.

Here’s a fuck-up via Twitter from our friend  Michael Birchenall of Foodservice Monthly. Michael recently guest starred in our After School Special Blogger Boggle.

fotorules: @EndlessSimmer … will I ever stop making a FU grilled cheese … perfect on 1 side … burnt on the other

EndlessSimmer: great grilled cheese pic - mind if we post it on friday?

fotorules: go ahead … I still ate it … I used to scrape off the burnt part … I don’t even do that any more … it’s an acquired taste

You too can become famous on ES. Just send us a fuck up. Oh, come on, we know you have one!
info@endlessssimmer.com

Quick straw (berry) poll:

Too ugly to eat?