Cooking with Fabio: Drunken Red Spaghetti

Has anyone else missed Fabio Viviani? I know I’d take his crazy Italian ramblings over this year’s boring Top Chef-testants any day. Well, not to worry—I just stumbled upon his new web series, in which Fabio and his disturbingly hot mom cook up drunken red spaghetti—pasta doused in red wine and smothered in pecornio, walnuts and caramelized pancetta. I love this dish because he doesn’t add just a little bit of booze. Uh-uh. He adds enough wine to turn those noodles purple! Now that’s Italian.

Also – check out his nickle-and-dime pasta serving size trick at 2:40!

Top 10 Break-Up Foods

For some, Valentine’s Day is a time of magic and romance. For the rest of us, it’s a pain in the ass. I’m not a big proponent of feeling pressured if you’re dating someone, or sorry for yourself if you’re not. Come on, we’re all gonna get laid sooner or later, who cares if it’s on V-Day, right? And most romances end in heartache, so let’s just indulge ourselves and talk about something more realistic than the perfect confections to buy your sweetheart.

Maybe you’re feeling bitter because you got dumped right before Valentine’s Day, maybe you found out through Facebook that your high school lover is engaged, maybe you just realized that every dude on this season of Mtv’s Real World/Road Rules: The Challenge somehow resembles one of your ex-boyfriends. (I mean…hypothetically, of course.) At least there is always food and sweet, sweet alcohol.

Just in time for everyone who is feeling bitter over this “holiday,” we present Endless Simmer’s Top 10 Break-Up Foods.

10. Bananas

I know, we’re starting off with a weird one, but bear with me. For a lot of us, when we’re upset or depressed or convinced we will die alone, sometimes it’s hard to see the point of eating. (If you are in this heartbroken place, don’t worry; in my experience, this unwillingness to stuff your face will pass soon enough.) While you might feel dramatic and slightly excited by the possibility of effortless weight loss, you need something to provide you with energy, or at least keep you from fainting at your desk. I read somewhere that the human body could technically live off bananas. I don’t know if this is actually true, but this “fact” stuck with me, and now whenever I’m depressed and have to force myself to eat, I choke down a banana.

9. Coffee

You might be waking up alone, but at least you have a daybreak companion to look forward to: coffee. If you’re been up until 4am crying, or maybe writing angry emails, or pathetic “I am so lonely without you” texts, it’s gonna be a rough morning. You need to force yourself to get out of bed and face the day somehow. What is the answer? Caffeine, of course. There is something about a sober, steaming mug of black coffee that is bleakly comforting.

8. Pizza

You’re in no mood to cook. Everything is too much effort. Nothing says “I’m lonely and lazy” like some cheap pizza. Plus it’s oily enough to soak up a boozy hangover if you’re been drinking away your sorrows. Whether it’s local delivery, late-night drunken desperation, or a cold slice out of a greasy box you find in the back of the fridge, pizza is a tried-and-true break-up binge classic.

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Baking Your Way Into Bed: Endless Simmer’s Valentine’s Day Dessert Guide

Seriously, why would anyone want to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day? Eating out on the busiest restaurant night of the year has always struck us as significantly more exhausting than enticing.

If you’re really looking to get lucky, take if from ES, there’s no better tactic than staying home and making dessert. So check out our top picks, sorted by what type of date you’ve lined up for this year.

 The Classy Date: Banana Cream Pie Cupcakes

Sorry, guys — if you’re skipping the night out, you can’t just order up a pint of B&J and call it a day. Staying home for V-day usually requires presenting something both pretty and impressive. These banana cream pie cupcakes ought to do the trick.

The Quirky Date: Trashy Cupcakes

If you’re looking less for knock-her-socks-off impressive and more show-how-cute-and-quirky-I-am, these cracked-out cupcakes will display your silly side. Plus, if you’ve left it until the last minute and the only things you have in the kitchen are ramen noodles, Cocoa Puffs, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, we’ve got your back: trashy cupcakes.

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Happy Valentine’s Day

Some Creme for Your Valentine

I have a confession to make that may cause me to forfeit all my ES street cred……… I am not a huge fan of  desserts.  I admit I  have found myself tempted to join the dark (chocolate) side after some of the recent recipes our new contributor Sweet Fiend provided, but typically the interest is just passing. Cakes, cookies, brownies etc… they just don’t do it for me. Some pears and honey or a digestif are much more my style. I also have never really had much interest in baking, with its need for precise measurements and specific recipes. These problems put me in a tough situation last week but my loss may be your gain as Valentine’s Day nears.

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Come Hither, Sweet Vosges Truffle

I am kind of a chocolate freak.
I think a truffle a day keeps the doctor away.
Because truffles are more delicious than apples.
Life is not like a bowl of apples, it is like a box of chocolates.
You really never quite know what you’re going to get.

As is the case from exotic chocolate maker Vosges, which produces things like bacon chocolateoyster infused cream truffles, and enchanted mushroom chocolate bars.

The Vosges Luxe Sweet Coquette Truffle Collection is more of an experience than a box of chocolates. My sampling included instructions on how to eat them:

be present, see, touch, smell, snap, taste, linger and ponder your next move.

Okay, I like it. I rarely follow instructions, but these seemed to be well thought out and cover most of the senses. In fact, I’m gonna have to tell you about each one of these babies:

Kumamoto Truffle: kumamoto oysters, champagne, 36% cocoa butter white chocolate, pearl dust.

Oysters and chocolate? Don’t ask questions, just do it. Beyond the creamy, dreamy white chocolate goodness, the taste inspired visions of the sea. Not the sea as in a ferry to Ellis Island, but the sea as in that Cialis commercial where the couple is relaxing in clawfoot bath tubs overlooking the ocean. There is a hint of oyster cream that will probably make your lady rip her clothes off.

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50 Ways to Feed Your Lover

Here at ES we know it’s not always just about what you eat — it’s how you eat it, too. And never is that more important than on Valentine’s Day. So we’re embracing our inner love child and suggesting 50 ways (some naughty, some nice) to feed your lover this V-Day.

From breakfast in bed to beer in your bosom, enjoy our most loving countdown to date — and click on the photos for fuller explanations.

50. Giant Gummy Bear on a Stick
Practicing your oral skills has never been so sweet.

49. Electric Cookie Press
With one-hand operation and consistent flow of icing every time, the possibilities are endless.

48. Bialetti Pizza Chopper
Works great for slicing thin crust, deep dish, or unfaithful lovers. “Simply grasp the handle at opposite ends and rock the blade back and forth to create portions in the desired size.”

47. Hillary Clinton Nutcracker
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is busting more than balls in Washington these days. See what she can do with a pecan.

46. Jigsaw Cookie Cutter
Sometimes love is complicated, but isn’t it great when it feels like a perfect fit?

45. Musical Cake Slice
Dream of being serenaded by your loved one? You can have your cake and eat it, too, while listening to an electronic version of “The Wedding March” or other tunes.

44. Rooster Apron
This not-so-subtle kitchen frock is sure to send the message of what’s for dessert.

43. Nun Salt & Pepper Shakers
Don’t let that Catholic guilt get you down. Shake out your sexual repression at your next meal.

42. The Ex – Unique Knife Holder
Re-enact Fatal Attraction in the comfort of your own home.

41. Rainbow Kitchen Utensils
We love our gays more than the U.S. military, and what better way to represent pride than with rainbow kitchen utensils?

40. Flask Bra
For the girl on the go.

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