I Shot a Vegetarian

Hey, c’mon. It was ONE vegetarian. It’s not like I clubbed a baby seal or anything. Geesh. And HE started it. And anyway, what’s a non-meat eating, hemp-wearing, bearded, nature dork doing participating in paintball anyway? And why would he challenge a proud carnivore? What was he thinking? And believe me; I took no pleasure in it. Really. No, REALLY……Ha! Who am I kidding? I dug the hell out of it!

So here’s what happened…some buddies asked me if I wanted to do a little paintball combat and I reluctantly agreed because these three numbskulls have a history of consuming way too much alcohol, and then wind up getting me seriously injured during the process. My previous participation with them has resulted in broken ribs, a snapped ACL, and waking up completely naked duct-taped to a tree. Why would I want to risk that again?… ‘cause those were the best times of my life! And what’s the sense of having medical insurance if you don’t take advantage of it once in a while?

We show up at this massive outdoor paintball park (late as usual), and we’re told that we can’t get out onto the field for a while because it’s so crowded. We figured that this might happen, so on the way we stopped off and got a sack full of burgers to eat while we wait. Plus we replaced our drinks with bourbon prior to coming in so we didn’t mind partaking in a little lunch before engaging in warfare. We go sit down in a crowd of guys waiting to get in and just as I take the first big bite of my burger I hear someone behind me say, “That’s disgusting!” I turn around and I’m staring at a skinny version of Zach Galifianakis who is looking back at me and sadly shaking his head. I give him a nod, squint my eyes and use my best Deniro; “You talkin’ to me?”

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