The Only Bible I Need

As someone who was raised Jewish, I get Chanukah presents this time of year.  And that usually means I get presents before all those crazy Christians.  So while most of you are eagerly waiting for the 25th, I already have some presents, courtesy of 80P’s parents (thank you!) and the Jewish calendar based on the lunar cycle.

If you’re still trying to figure out what to get the foodie on your list, and you couldn’t find something here or here, may I suggest to you the anti-cookbook: The Flavor Bible.

Here’s one of my favorite excerpts, and I’m not even kidding, I actually took a highlighter to the page to capture this:

Slavish followers of recipes, who treat them as gospel instead of guidelines, make the mistake of putting more faith in someone else’s instructions than they do in themselves.  Many people would do better in the kitchen if they didn’t blindly follow recipes.  In fact, following recipes may be holding you back from achieving your potential as a cook.

Let me explain.  This is clearly not a conventional cookbook, it’s more about theory and concepts and lists.  Lots of lists. 

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Top 10 Stocking Stuffers for Foodies

OK fine, we realize no one is likely getting us any of these outrageous food gifts this year. But here are a few last-minute ideas for some cheapo gifts to toss in your favorite foodie’s Christmas stocking or Hanukaa lederhosen.

10. USB Flash Food Drives

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Is that a watermelon in your pocket or 350 megabytes of digital information? We think these nifty USB drives — which also come in hamburger, sushi, and strawberry — might just make us hungry all day long, but what a great idea to treat the food blogger on your list to.

9. One Click Butter Cutter

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Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like “here’s a way to control how much butter you eat.” But if one of your loved ones has an unfortunate tendency to eat the whole stick, you might want to consider one of these handy butter portion control devices, which ensure you get just one little pat each morning.

8. Bacon Bubbles

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For those of you who treat your pet dog less like a companion and more like an amusement, you’ll enjoy watching Fido (or BS) jump around the room for hours on end chasing an endless stream of bacon-smelling bubbles.  Honestly, I think this might actually be a torture device.

7. Barack Obama’s Favorite Chocolates

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We know you’ve got at least one on your list — the creepily obsessed hope-monger who shrieks with joy at the mere mention of anything Obama-related. (OMG did you hear who’s being considered for deputy undersecretary of agriculture? I totally can’t even believe it!) The Haphazard Gourmet Girls point us towards Barack’s favorite sweet treat — the smoked salt caramels dipped in milk chocolate from Seattle’s Fran’s Chocolates. Guaranteed to bring you one step closer to Barackutopia.

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Holiday Snack Alert

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– Did you ever say to yourself, ‘man, chex mix is such a damn good snack, I don’t think it could possibly get any better?’ Well it did. If you know me at all, you have one guess what the secret ingredient is. [SF Gate] (via Serious Eats)

Photo: Hellospuntnik

Put a Cork In It

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This festive time of year offers a plethora of opportunities for forced family bonding and awkward office chit-chats. Thankfully, that usually involves a lot of booze to grease the wheels of conversation—which, in turn, can often result in several unopened and half-drunk bottles of wine hanging around the kitchen. With holiday parties in full swing, here are a few tips from D.C. food scene experts on how to use that leftover wine.

“Purists everywhere will cry foul. But honestly, if the wine’s that good, why was it left over anyway?,” PS 7’s Restaurant general manager Curtis Allred notes before jumping into his list of uses. Allred is serious about his leftovers: the one gallon wine jar that’s a staple on his kitchen counter proves it. “Many a leftover bottle has been added to the mix, becoming a base for great sauces, salad dressings, or water color paint for my kids.”

Just as the actual blend is unknown—filled with various reds and whites—the uses are endless, too. “In the summer we take leftover wines and pour them into ice trays and put them in the freezer. They make amazing frozen sangria.” In a different concoction, Allred simmers together leftover red wine, pumpkin pie spices, and a few oranges, then combines the mixture with Cointreau and brandy for a warming and pleasantly intoxicating holiday drink. “The fun is finding the right proportions for it to be just perfect… I always encourage another slice of pie just to be sure.”

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The Top 10 Most Outrageous Holiday Gifts for Foodies

I’m sick and tired of reading about ideas for recession-era holiday gifts. We have one little global financial meltdown and all of a sudden we’re all supposed to do our Christmas shopping at Family Dollar? I don’t think so. This is Christmas! The season of greed and gluttony! The time for Americans to dig ourselves into a financial, spiritual, and health hole so deep that it lasts until Spring. Christmas is no time to start cutting up our credit cards and pulling ourselves out of this financial mess.

The “experts” keep telling us we’re in this recession thing for the long haul, so what harm could one more season of unnecessary overspending do? In that heartwarming holiday spirit, may we present the Top 10 Most Outrageous Holiday Gifts for Foodies, celebrating the best in kitchen presents that are insanely overpriced, shamelessly unitasking, and utterly, completely necessary.

10. Dough-Nu-Matic Automatic Dougnut Machine

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I love America’s favorite fried cake treat as much as the next staunch patriot, but donuts fall firmly into the category of things we should not be allowed to make at home. Especially in a gizmo that “automatically forms, fries and drains delectable mini-doughnuts in just 50 seconds!” This is just not right. I am envisioning a dark future in which a nation of 1,000-pound Americans never leave home, unable to lure themselves away from the glazed goodness that is automatically shot into our mouths every 50 seconds.  Also, I really want one of these.

9. Aerogarden Elite Garden

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I want to be a good locavore, I really do. It would be so great to have fresh basil and lettuce and tomatoes all growing in my backyard. But it all sounds so…dirty. Not anymore. This do-it-yourself (but don’t do much) kit comes complete with a ready-to-go package of seeds, is automatically set to adjust for the most appropriate lighting, and doesn’t even require soil (WTF? How?) It even alerts you when your plants need to be watered. Good luck explaining to the DEA officer that it really is oregano.

8. Peanut Butter of the Month Club

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OK, so January is creamy, February  is chunky, but what comes after that? I’m really not sure, but if peanut butter is the next thing we’re supposed to get food-snobby about, count me in! This gift features 12 “limited-production, specialty-flavored peanut butters from boutique peanut butter producers nationwide.” Who knew there was even such a thing as a “boutique peanut butter producer?!” For the low-low price of $215, you can spend the whole year telling your friends that you’re really into raspberry white chocolate peanut butter, cinnamon currant peanut butter, or truffle foie gras peanut butter laced with PCP! OK, I made that last one up but the others are real. Amazing!

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Dreaming of a Tasty Christmas

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Chrismakkah is right around the corner, and for the foodies on your list *sellout alert* out sponsors have two titles worth wrapping up.

First there’s The Comfort Table, a new cookbook from Katie Lee Joel, who you might remember as the first incarnation of Padma Lakshmi on Top Chef season one. For those of you who are more into pictures than words, The Autumn Lake Cookbook is a comic book-style, family-friendly New England recipe collection. Click on the ads on the right to check out either of these books, or visit the ES Book Club for more ideas.

Oh, and in non-sponsor news, Jason over at Mr. Bacon Pants has compiled a very comprehensive Bacon Lovers Gift Guide. I’ll take one of everything, in case anyone’s wondering.

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