Friday Fuck-Up: Stick With the Beer

T’was the night before Christmas and there in my kitchen,
the turkey was ready; and boy, was it bitchin’!
It was seasoned and brined and buttered with care,
and ready for dinner once the gang all got there.
We’d celebrate Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and all,
and include all religions, just like the mall.
I’ve sent out the invites and bought all the booze.
They all said they’d be here, even the Jews!

This recipe is new, I’d seen it online.
It got thirty ‘likes,’ so it had to be fine.
I roast at 450 for thirty minutes or so,
to get the skin crisp—then turn it real low.
And leave it alone to keep cookin’ all night.
It was on endlesssimmer so it had to be right!

I popped in the bird and poured a short drink.
I drank it real quick, and that made me think.
What can I do while I’m timing the roast?
That drink was sure good, maybe just one more toast.
Wait thirty minutes, or some other jive?
To help me pass time I’ll take a shot every five!

Fifteen minutes go by and it’s shot number three.
Or does that make five? Now how can this be?
I started with two and then had three more.
What was the time when I started to pour?
I roast it for thirty or some other crap?
Maybe I’d better take just a short nap.

A quick little snooze and all will be right!
For only five minutes, hey, what’s that light?
Can that be the sun? It’s so hard to tell…
How long was I sleeping? Hey, what’s that smell?
Is that fog in my room, or is this a dream?
And why is my smoke alarm starting to scream?

Oh shit! Not the turkey! It cost me a fortune!
Dinner for thirty is what I am torchin’!
Then came the sirens, and the Channel Two News.
The hell with the sofa, save all my BOOZE!!
My kitchen is totaled. I’m left with just pennies.
Looks like I’m taking my friends out to Denny’s.

And they aren’t too happy; they say it’s my drinkin’!
That recipe did it! That’s what I am thinkin’.
There goes our dinner and all my hard work.
What was I doing? I feel like a jerk.
So learn from my screw-up and don’t drink too fast.
Take a few sips, but then make it last.
Merry Christmas to all and a happy new year!
And pass on the hard stuff—just stick with the beer.

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  • Hans Susser December 8, 2012  

    Great stuff.
    May I please have permission to post this (of course with the appropriate credit and links) on ”
    Please advise. Thank you.
    Hans Susser

  • Katt Kasper December 8, 2012  

    Please do! And Happy holidays!

  • Lora December 12, 2012  

    Hilarious. Love.

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