Burns My Bacon: Quinoa, The Boss of Grains
Y’know what I’ve be eating a lot of lately? Quinoa. Y’know what tastes like mini packing pellets regardless of how it’s cooked or how much cheese you throw on top of it? QUINOA!
What the F? Why don’t I get it? Is it possible that over the last six weeks on the seven different occasions that I’ve eaten this crap that somehow I’ve been given bad examples of how it is supposed to be prepared? I’ve had it cold, hot and creamy, mixed in salads and served as side and main dishes, and each time I’m like, “Who really likes this shit?”
Why am I the only one who is out of the loop on this? This reminds me of when all my friends were way into Bruce Springsteen. I could never figure out what they were hearing that I couldn’t pick up in his music. I even recently went to a concert and I remember standing there looking around at everyone going apeshit over “Born in the USA”, and I kept thinking, “What is going on? There’s no chorus. It’s just the same flat tune repeated over and over with different words. Why don’t I get this?”
Quinoa is the Bruce Springsteen of food in my world. Lots of people love it, lots of restaurants serve it, and it’s on everyone’s Top Ten list, but I’m still standing there thinking, “Why do you actually like this?” It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Like texting on my iPhone. I hold a device that will allow me to actually TALK to someone almost anywhere in the entire world and yet all my friends want to do is type me abbreviated messages. I can even FaceTime them, which means that I can actually see their faces and they can see mine, and we can communicate visually as well as verbally, and yet all I ever get is “CNT TALK. LOL.” Really? You can’t talk but you have the time to type me a message telling me that? Calling me requires pressing ONE button!
I like couscous so why don’t I like quinoa? Whenever it’s served to me I always feel that I’m stealing a parakeet’s dinner. And why is it pronounced kin-wah when it’s spelled quin-oh-ah? When I first ordered it the waitress treated me like I was having a stroke, then she just got frustrated: “I’m sorry sir, but I don’t speak Native American.”
Bruce Springsteen looks like the nicest guy in the world but his music is like a dog whistle to me. I know that a lot of people like it but I just don’t get it. Quinoa doesn’t look as nice as Bruce, but just like his music I won’t be dancing when I hear it’s in the room.