A Winning Party: The ES Election Night Guide

OK… making sure that my emergency pack is all ready. Let’s see…there’s a flashlight, batteries, aspirin (gonna need those), vodka, bourbon, party poppers and a large crying towel. Oh, and 2-song CD—got the Bee Gees “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart” and Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” Alright! I’m set. Bring on Election Night!

In the wake of recent disasters I’ve been more proactive in regards to preparing for my survival against future mood-altering situations of a political nature. Too many times in the past I’ve been caught totally off guard, and I either didn’t have enough liquor or I forgot to pin my Bails Bond card inside my jacket. But this time I’ve got a new plan! I’m hosting the Election Night shindig at my place and I’m all prepared. Got the checklist right here—Portable storage pod? Check! Rental furniture? Check! My furniture and personal items outside in the pod? Check! Neighbors warned and bribed? Check! Everyone taking a cab to my house? Check! Food, booze and entertainment ordered? Check, check and double check!

Voting for the next leader of our country can be a painful thing to do when it’s this evenly divided. Half of us ain’t gonna like the outcome, which can kill the mood of a party real quick. That’s why THIS time I’ve got it all figured out:

BOOZE: NO CHAMPAGNE CORKS! Last time I ended up with more one-eyed people than a pirate convention. Plus, that shit peels wallpaper like alien blood. Nothing under pressure or carbonated. It’s either vodka martinis or bourbon on the rocks.

FOOD: SANDWICHES, CHIPS and COOKIES! You think this sounds low-rent? It’s called safety. At my last party I served lasagna, gnocchi, salad and bread sticks. After the food fight started (and it will, believe me), I was cleaning pasta and sauce off of my place for months! It looked like a Dexter crime scene. All of the women (and a few of the guys) got dry-humped by men sporting bread stick penises. Then someone got the bright idea to call the ground parmesan cheese ‘Viagra dust.’ The idiots that weren’t snorting it were throwing it or rubbing it on someone’s crotch!

ENTERTAINMENT: MALE and FEMALE STRIPPERS! Listen, after one side concedes, it’s usually a downhill plunge on the mood train for the losers. So before the conspiracy theories start and the gloating and baiting begin, I’ve arranged a little distraction that should save me thousands in repair bills. I’ve got 2 ‘Cops’ and 2 ‘EMTs’ that will crash the party as soon as the winner is announced, which should keep the mood up-beat. Yeah, four strippers set me back a bit, and the remote video recorders were a stretch, but with MY degenerate friends this is like money in the bank! Sue me once, shame on you…sue me twice, shame on me! Revenge is sweet and I’m gonna come out a winner regardless of who takes the election. We’ll see who gets raped by a bread stick THIS time!

So there you have it…my master plan for the upcoming election night party. And don’t worry about my uppity friends finding out. They wouldn’t be caught dead reading a food blog. So vote early and vote often. I think we’re in for a hell of a night—and I can’t wait to see who comes out the winner!

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