Bread Porn (Literally)
I was thinking the other day about my first time. I was young and inexperienced. She was much older and had an intimidating reputation. The ladies in town used to point and talk about her in hushed tones, but she didn’t mind. She was confident in her skills and she told me that she didn’t care what anyone thought. She did it purely for the pleasure.
When I showed up at her place I was surprised to see that she had everything laid out and ready. There was more to this than I’d imagined, but she assured me that I needn’t worry.
“I’ll take it slow” she purred. It all came together remarkably quick and before I knew it she gently took me by my hands. “I want you to do this” she said. “You need to be forceful and firm. Work it between your fingers. Here, let me show you.” Kneading, massaging, and pulling, her strong hands working their magic while I took it all in. Then, it was my turn. “Don’t be afraid to get a little rough” she cooed. “Be aggressive!”
Just as I started to feel confident she stopped and looked me in the eyes. “Now I want to put it someplace warm and watch it rise.” She poured oil into her hands and rubbed them together. “Once I’m finished we’ll cover it and let it rest. Then, when it’s ready I want you to use yours hands one more time, just like I showed you.” I was eager, and after what seemed like an eternity she finally said “It’s time!” I was surprised when I looked down to see that it had doubled in size. And I’ll admit that she took my breath away when she punched it down and slapped it on the counter top. “Now we’re close!’ she excitedly said. It was amazing to see how she pinched, pulled and rolled it under her palms, preparing it for its final destination. “Are you ready?” she teased. I nodded. “Then do it! Put it in!’ she cried!
I don’t know who’s a sicker puppy; me for writing this garbage or you for reading it! But hey, how many boring ‘How to Make Bread’ recipes have you had to endure? At least this kept your attention.
Bread Porn
Now, you can substitute skim milk and use egg whites or some kinda heart-healthy oil but trust me, make it just once like this and enjoy a little decadence in your life. It’s called Bread Porn for a reason. It’s all about pleasure baby, so lay back and enjoy the ride for once.
I’ve made this recipe the old=school way, totally by hand without the use of my high-dollar mixer, so don’t worry if you don’t own one. But I’ve been spoiled by my little Cuisinart, and its motor is powerful enough to mix concrete-which I’ve done, although it was suppose to be pancakes. Anyhow, the trick to using a mixer is the speed of the hook attachment. Use a moderate fast speed to mix the milk, butter and eggs, but then slow it way down for the addition of the flour. Otherwise, you’ll end up with a face full of powder, and I don’t mean like Tony Montana. (“Let me introduce you to my little friend!”)
Ingredients:
1 ¼ packets of active dry yeast
½ cup of sugar
1 tablespoon of kosher salt, plus more for sprinkling
1 ½ sticks of unsalted butter, plus 2 tablespoons for brushing
2 cups of whole milk
2 large eggs
7 ½ to 8 cups of all-purpose unbleached flour, plus more for dusting
About an hour before you make this, leave the eggs and 2 cups of milk out so that they get to room temperature. You’ll also want to let the butter cool before you add it prior to the eggs. So get a small bowl and measure out a half cup of warm water, sprinkle in the yeast and then add the sugar. Whisk it together and let it sit for a couple of minutes. It should start to get a little foamy. Then whisk in 1 cup of flour and set it in a warm place while you make the dough.
If you’re using a mixer, put on the hook attachment and add the milk and 1 ½ sticks of melted butter. Add the eggs and mix until it’s well blended, then turn down the speed and add the yeast mixture and the salt. Blend that well before you start adding the flour. Put in 6 ½ cups of flour, ½ cup at a time, and mix until it forms a ball. Take the remaining ½ cup of flour and spread it out on a clean surface (hopefully, your countertop). Transfer the dough to the surface and work it with your hands until it’s smooth and silky. Then, grease the inside of a large glass bowl with butter and transfer the dough into the bowl. Turn it over and cover it with a couple of terry cloth hand towels and let it rise in a warm place for 2 ½ hours. It’ll double like the blob attacking a Weight Watchers meeting..
Preheat your oven to 375 degrees and then dust your bread making surface with flour. You then need to press out the dough into a large rectangle. I use a rolling pin but if you’re good at making pizzas by hand you won’t need one. Next, divide the rectangle into thirds vertically, and then slice it horizontally into equally sized strips. You should end up with about 20 to 24 squares. Or, if you’re good at pinching off equal amounts of dough and rolling then into balls between your hands you can skip the rectangle part. Either way, you want to end up with around 24 balls of dough evenly spaced onto 2 flat greased baking sheets. Bake until the little pillows of love are golden brown (about 20 minutes), then remove them and brush with melted butter, and sprinkle each with the kosher salt. Then, it’s time to get freaky wit’cher bad self.
Yeah, I remember my first time, and I remember my last time. But what I’m looking forward to is my next time. I’m usually not one to bake and tell, but when it’s good, it’s good. And when it’s bad, it’s better!
