To Straw or Not to Straw


Everything is better with a straw.

As a kid, straws indicated a special moment. There would  be straws when my family went out to eat. Sometimes I’d even manage to score two: one for my water and one for my coke. When I was sick my grandmother would bring me ginger ale with a straw. And one of my favorite desserts–a black and white milkshake—also came with a straw (although it’d usually be a double-team job with the help of a spoon.)

As I got older, straws made less appearances. But at some point in my post-college life, it changed. I started drinking beer with a straw. It also doesn’t matter the type of brew; I drink both Miller Lites and Beamish from a straw.

For some reason this offends the shit out of people. Strangers will not only glare at me, or tilt their head in confusion, but will question my morals.

And if fellow bar patrons don’t think I’m flunking the beer rules test, then they assume I use the straw to get drunk faster. Really, though, it’s because I’m an LPS (my dad’s abbrievation: lazy piece of shit) and couldn’t be bothered lifting the glass to my mouth. I’d rather bend my neck slightly to reach the tip of the straw. It’s so much easier with a straw. And to be honest, it’s also quite delicious.

This straw madness may have gone too far recently. I was out on a date and I started drinking a martini with that tiny black stirrer. Fine, it looked ridiculous. But do you know how dangerous it is to handle a cone shaped vehicle filled with expensive liquid when it’s already my 5th drink of the night?

Anyway. I’m perfectly proud of my straw usage. I wouldn’t mind some backing though. Any secret straw-ers out there?

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  • mary December 7, 2009  

    I hate to admit this but my favorite straw around town is McDonalds “turbo straw.” It’s the perfect fountain soda delivery mechanism around. Your soda is delivered fast and furious. Perfect for a diet coke addict like me.

  • Summer December 7, 2009  

    Using a straw — even if it’s in a glass of ice water — somehow makes me feel like my drink is more of a treat. But the BEST thing about straws, in my opinion, is that they allow a lady to drink and keep her lipstick or gloss intact. It benefits all involved. Just think about how gross it is to go to a bar or restaurant and get a glass that still has the print of some previous patron’s Passion Pink lipstick. If she’d used a straw, that crisis would have been averted!

  • Yvo December 7, 2009  

    My bf’s dad says straws are for suckers. Har, har.

    To be honest, I drink cocktails through the straw too if they’re stuck in there, even if it’s a stirrer, it’s got a hole so liquid can be sucked through it, right?

    While I don’t drink beer, I’ve heard that there’s something sexy about a girl drinking from the bottle… so I don’t know, I guess it depends on the kind of date you’re on and where you’re hoping to go with that…

  • andrew December 7, 2009  

    Straws are cool if your jaw is wired shut ala Kanye West back in the day, or you are doing the strawpedo:

  • Britannia December 7, 2009  


  • Mariah Carey December 7, 2009  

    1. Why do you look so sad in the picture above when you are enjoying a martini (through a straw, no less!)?!
    2. PINK straws > straws
    3. Straws help preserve teeth’s whiteness

  • Alex December 7, 2009  

    oh I totally drink through the stirrer! For two reasons: 1) I’m spilly and 2) I think it makes me drink slower.

  • scott December 9, 2009  

    Just a few weeks ago I sat at the bar of a pizza joint next to a beer straw practitioner. Her reasoning was that it got her intoxicated more quickly. She also covered her beer glass with a napkin when she went out for a smoke to keep it “fresher” and to also keep people from fucking with her beer.

    These are all very rational thoughts.

    Not that it should matter but this woman was a truck driver from West Virginia on disability due to back problems. Not one to judge I inserted a long black plastic straw into a bottle of Budweiser. I found my mouth full of froth and foam and looked across the bar to see a guy shake his head at me.

    I’m sticking to bottles.

  • Steezy December 14, 2009  

    I am a straw-aholic. I want a straw with everything – water, milk, soda, tea, etc. I fully support your straw love. I also always drink through the stirrer. If they don’t want me to drink through it they shouldn’t have made it hollow.

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  • naomi June 22, 2011  

    Sorry, I can’t get your back on this one. No booting me from the ES fam for this one, but. . . .

    A straw for beer-wrong. A straw for a martini-holy crap I would charge you double.

  • Elyce December 11, 2011  

    I am a total straw fan. My personal favorite? bendy straws. I keep some in my purse, truck, counter, everywhere. When I told my husband one day that I should get a straw for my beer, he gave me the evil eye, lol.

  • kale June 6, 2012  

    when the house is empty of straws i almost tear apart the entire kitchen and hardly sleep well

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