It’s Only Natural To Compare March Madness To Food

With the first day of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament upon us, there are a few questions we need to answer:

1) Can you out bracket our Commander-in-Chief?
2) How much money can you cost your company by watching espn360, instead of doing work?
3) Can you come up with 5 better NCAA players/coaches to food analogies than the ones below?

The challenge is simple: Think of a popular NCAA player/coach and ask yourself, if they were food, what type of food would they be?

We’ll start with an easy one:

1) Rick Pitino =  Kobe Beef Cheeseburger

Let’s not kid ourselves here.  Rick Pitino looks GOOD.  He dresses nice, he slicks back his hair, and he probably has a nice watch.  But, the guy also comes to play.  Having a good time isn’t good enough for Rick Pitino.  You can’t wear a white suit and not mean business.  Kobe beef cheeseburger? Not all that different.  It is always presented well. It’s a slamming good time, but don’t be fooled by your excitement; you better bring your A-game when you take down a Kobe burger.

2) Hasheem Thabeet = Fruit by the Foot

Hasheem Thabeet is really, really tall.  He’s also pretty skinny.  You think he might be a pushover, but he isn’t.  He’s actually quite intense.  In fact, at the beginning of games, you might think you want a piece of him, but after a few drives to the basket, you realize you probably don’t.  Enter: fruit by the foot.  The longest and skinniest of the long and skinny variety.  It always sounds like a good idea.  “Yea, no big deal, I can put down a foot of chewy fruit tasting dessert.” But as you stare down that last bite, you don’t want anymore.

3) Gerald Henderson = 7-Layer Nacho Dip

Look, Gerald Henderson is freakishly good.  He jumps out of the building, frighteningly quick, and scarily athletic.  Is he polished? Probably not.  Are his fundamentals ready for the next level? Maybe.  But the fact remains, he has all the ingredients.  You know what else has all the ingredients? 7-Layer Nacho Dip.  Is it perfect? No.  There are always certain ingredients that you like more than others and favor when you go in for the dip.  But it’s also ridiculously good, no matter its imperfections.  I mean, you don’t make it to every single sports-watching party by accident.

4) Stephon Curry = Pizza Calzone

Have you heard of Stephon Curry? Probably.  But do you really pay attention to him? Probably not.  Did you watch him play more than once this year? Doubt it.  Well, why the hell not!?!? He’s a great player, shoots from everywhere on the court, extremely entertaining and makes impossible shots.

Do you like calzones? Probably.  But do you ever eat them? Probably not.  Have you had one yet this year? Doubt it.  Well, why the hell not?!?! They’re delicious! A pizza sandwich?! You can eat it with your hands, a fork and a knife, fill them with whatever you want, melt cheese and sauce over it.  Why don’t people eat these more often!?

5) Tyler Hansbrough = Pork Chops

They are both big, they can both be difficult, they’re both kinda white, but yet they are both reliable, and of all the things on the menu (basketball court), there are probably at least two other dishes (players) that look better.

Anyone else?

And don’t forget about last year’s nonsense:
America’s Top 10 Drunk College Foods