Politics

When it comes to widely advertised pugilistic battles, we’ve had the Thrill’a in Manila, the War at the Shore, and now the Mess in the U.S. There’s nothing like a good Presidential election to bring the country together, is there? So we might want to start thinking about which wine to pair with that huge plate of crow that slightly less than half of us will be eating the night we all cast our votes. I know, I know, the candidate that you’re backing is the right guy for the job, and it’s time to get the country back on its feet, and yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blahhhhhh.

Whatever.

Almost half of you will get it wrong so you’d better make those menus now before you’re served a big slice of ‘I Told You So’ cake. But what should it be? Nothing really tastes good when they tally up just how many idiots are allowed to vote in this country. And since we’ve all had to endure about two years worth of campaigning, we certainly don’t need anymore cheese. You might require something sweet to take that bitter taste out of your mouth. And of course, you’ll need a lot of liquor. (Buy it now before they tax the hell out of it.) Planning a ‘Loser Luncheon’ is hard because you can’t describe how you feel. It’s like a cross between ending a bad relationship, and attending a funeral. You’re kinda relieved, but then you’re kinda sad; you don’t want to hear anything from them for a while, but then you didn’t want to see them go away like that.

What makes it worse is that just across town they’re whooping it up and drinking champagne by the case, those smug bastards. Bartender! Another round of Jager shots for me and my second-place compadres! (Now I have TWO things to blame the bad taste in my mouth on.) Hot wings, pizza, tacos…nothing tastes good right now so just eat something that’s not gonna hurt when it comes back up. Tip your server, get a cab and call it a night. It’s gonna be a long four years so you might as well go home and start getting used to it, Mr. Runner Up.

For those of you who voted for the new guy and didn’t win; you probably need a good shot of caffeine now that all those tea bags didn’t work. Why don’t you have a big bowl of American made cereal with plenty of ONE PERCENT milk, you elitist idiots! Better stock up on caviar and lobster while you still can ‘cause I think your tax rate is about to go through the ceiling. Not sure where the country is headed? Don’t worry your pointy little head. Just follow the rest of us and turn LEFT!

For those of you who voted for the incumbent and didn’t win; some ice cream to go on top of that Humble Pie? No leftovers for you. You’d better eat something that you can finish in ONE TERM, you Big Government dopes! Oh, and I’d give up smoking if I were you ‘cause that health care plan that you were on is in for a little change. I think that your government subsidized meal ticket is about to be cut in half. You’ll just have to learn to be more CONSERVATIVE!

Either way it goes, a lot of us are going to lose our appetites. And since everything tastes like crap, it might be the perfect time to start that diet you’ve been talking about since college. But then again, why bother? We’re all going to hell in a hand basket – whatever that means. Just suck it up, shrug it off and come back with your head held high. And remember this; your candidate may not have won the election…….but at least you didn’t vote for that other guy.